迟到的完美沙滩身材

文/Colin+Nissan+译/殷子

We regret to inform you that your beach body， slated1） for arrival in early June of this year， will be delayed， perhaps indefinitely. A number of factors， all under your direct control， have contributed to this unfortunate setback.

First and foremost， you are still eating a lot of food. While you have done an excellent job of including more vegetables in your diet， you have also included more of everything else， like cake. In the past month alone， you have eaten cake on eight occasions. None of which were birthday-related.

You have been complaining about your metabolism2） slowing down. Metabolic rate is difficult to determine， but what is certainly not slowing down is your intake3） of frozen French-bread pizzas. In fact， it is more than likely that one of those cheese-choked blubber4）-makers is circling inside your microwave at this very moment.

Making your hip-hop workout playlist right after the New Year seemed like a big step in the right direction. Of course， music can help only so much if you dont own sneakers， which， technically， you didnt until March.

While your recent efforts to increase the intensity of your workouts have been admirable， a look at the numbers indicates that your treadmill5） speeds have increased only from 3.8 miles per hour to 3.9 miles per hour. Not surprisingly， the impact on your body has been negligible. One might argue that it has worked to your detriment6）， given that your duration on the treadmill has plummeted7） by an average of fourteen minutes.

As you know， motivation can be elusive8）. There are unseen forces that oppose motivation and seek to douse9） the flames of inspiration. In your case， that force is napping. You really do nap a lot.

This far into any successful beach-body program， you should not still be wearing your fat jeans. By now， you should have already held those jeans up in front of you and proudly marvelled10） that you were ever that big. But you cant hold them up and marvel at them， because they are on your body. Snugly11）.

If you were to stay true to your original beach-body timeline， you would begin some preliminary swimsuit shopping right around now. Owing to the significant delays youre experiencing， we do not recommend standing in front of a three-way mirror at this point， unless you want all three of you to feel terrible about yourselves.

As the days pass and the temperatures rise， you may find yourself scrambling12） to recalibrate13） your goals. To lose just five pounds instead of twenty， say， or to unearth just one ab14） instead six. Sadly， when measured against the utopian physique you set out to achieve， these thoughts will quickly fade-drowned out， in all likelihood， by the crunch of a Cheeto15）.

In conclusion， with some significant life-style tweaks16） you could， according to our estimates， achieve your beach body by November. Just in time for Thanksgiving. Revealing your actual body before then， as you likely will， may trigger feelings of disappointment and guilt； even shame. Try to focus not on negative emotions but on ways in which you can stay positive and also stay submerged up to your neck for as much of the summer as possible.

我们遗憾地通知您，您原定于今年6月初练成的沙滩身材将会延期，或许是无限期地延期。一些因素导致了这一不幸的挫折，而这些因素全都在您的直接掌控中。

最首要的原因在于，您还是吃了太多东西。尽管您表现不错，在饮食中纳入了更多的蔬菜，但您也将更多其他食物纳入其中，比如蛋糕。仅在过去的一个月中，您就在八个场合吃了蛋糕，没有一次与生日相关。

您一直在抱怨自己的新陈代谢在变慢。代谢率很难判断，但肯定没有变慢的是您吃冰冻法式硬脆皮比萨的频率。事实上，就在此刻，一块满是芝士、催人长肉的比萨很可能正在您的微波炉里转着加热呢。

新年刚过您就创建了街舞健身的音乐列表，貌似是朝着正确的方向迈出了一大步。当然，如果您没有运动鞋，音乐也只能帮这么多。实际上，直到3月份您才有了运动鞋。

虽然您近来加大锻炼强度的努力值得称赞，但瞅一眼跑步机，上面的数字显示您的速度仅从每小时3.8英里提高到了每小时3.9英里。这对您身体的作用微乎其微，这可一点都不奇怪。或许还可以说，这对您是有害的，因为您在跑步机上的时间突然减少，平均减少了14分钟。

正如您所知，积极性是难以捉摸的。有一些看不见的力量在阻碍积极性，并试图浇灭激励的火焰。对您来说，这种力量就是打盹儿。您打的盹儿真的太多了。

执行任何有成效的沙滩瘦身计划这么久，您都不该还穿着您那些肥大的牛仔裤。此时，您本该在自己面前举起那些牛仔裤，倍感自豪地惊叹自己曾经那么胖。但您却没法举起那些裤子并为此发出惊叹，因为裤子就在您身上穿着，紧紧地贴在您身上。

如果您坚持最初的沙滩瘦身计划的时间表，那差不多现在您会开始准备购买泳衣。鉴于您现在正处于严重延期阶段，我们不建议您在此时站到三面镜前，除非您想让镜子中的三个您都为自己感到难过。

随着时光流逝和气温上升，您可能发现自己正急于重新设定自己的目标。比如说，仅将体重减轻五磅而不是二十磅，或是只练出一块腹肌，而非六块。可悲的是，与您之前打算练成的理想体形相比，这些想法十有八九会随着您咔嚓咔嚓嚼奇多的声音而迅速烟消云散。

总之，据我们预计，您通过在生活方式上做一些重大的微调，还是可以在11月练成沙滩身材的。正好赶上感恩节。在那之前展示您真实的身材，正如您可能会做的那样，引发的可能是失望、内疚，甚至是羞愧的情绪。尽量不要老想着这些消极情绪，而是想想怎样才能保持乐观，还要想想在这个夏天，怎样尽可能长时间地将脖子以下的部分都遮掩起来。

1. slate [sle?t] vt. 预定，预计；安排

2. metabolism [m??t?b??l?z（?）m] n. 新陈代谢

3. intake [??nte?k] n. （食物、饮料、空气等的）摄取量，吸入量

4. blubber [?bl?b?（r）] n. 过多的脂肪

5. treadmill [?tred?m?l] n. 跑步机

6. to ones detriment：（结果）不利于，有害于，有损于

7. plummet [?pl?m?t] vi. （数量、比率或价格）骤然下跌，暴跌

8. elusive [??lu?s?v] adj. 难以捉摸的，难以描述的

9. douse [da?s] vt. 浇灭；熄灭

10. marvel [?mɑ?（r）v（?）l] vt. 对……感到惊讶；不胜惊羡；大为赞叹

11. snugly [sn?ɡli] adv. （衣服等）紧身地，贴身地

12. scramble [?skr?mb（?）l] vi. 争抢；急于

13. recalibrate [r??k?l??bre?t] vt. 重新校准；重新调整

14. ab [?b] n.〈口〉腹肌

15. Cheeto：奇多，一种由膨化玉米粉制成的干酪口味的零食

16. tweak ：请参见51页注释15。