Humors in the Old Times

By [Ming Dynasty] Jiang Yingke

Those Who Live Far Away Can Leave First

There was one man who was a real tippler. One day, at a party in a friend's house with a bunch of people he had drunk way too much but didn't want to go home. He looked at everyone, crosseyed, and said, “Those who live far away can feel free to leave first.”

The guests left one after another in quick succession, leaving only him behind. The host didn't want to kick him out, so all he could do was just to continue to keep him company.

After a while the man, again, said, “Those who live far away can feel free to leave first.”

The host laughed and said, “Apart from you I'm the only one here.”

The guy retorted, “You still need to walk to your bedroom. I'm going to have another couple of drinks and then lie down here and sleep for the night.”

Eyebrows

There was a scoundrel whose family was very poor. The New Year was coming and he had no money to buy things in preparation for the celebrations. His wife asked him what he was going to do and he told her, “I have a plan.”

Just then a barber passed by on the street. He approached the barber and asked him to shave his head, and said “Snip off my eyebrows too.” The barber didn't get it but complied anyway.

After the barber had just cropped off one of the eyebrows the man screamed, “You give a haircut and also cut off eyebrows, do you?” Yelling, he threatened to take the man to appear before the magistrate.

The barber didn't want any trouble so all he could do was to pay him 300 wen (the smallest unit of Chinese money in ancient times) in compensation. The mantook the money and went to buy the things his family needed for New Year's celebrations.

His wife saw him and said, “You might as well shave off the other eyebrow. You don't look good with only one eyebrow.”

The man replied, “You're really not very calculating. I'm keeping this eyebrow for the coming Lantern Festival.”

No Time For Telling Lies

There was a young kid from Wuling who was very adept at lying. One day he saw an old man he knew on the road. The old man said, “Everyone says you're good at lying, can you lie once to me and see if you can trick me?”

The kid replied, “Someone just told me that the East Lake has dried up and everyone has gone there to catch fish. I need to hurry up and get there too; I have no time to tell you lies.” After he finished speaking he rushed off.

The old man, taken in, also headed to the East Lake. After he got there, he saw the vast endless waters and only then was it that he realized that he had been duped.

Another day the kid passed the house where a nobleman lived. The distinguished person called from upstairs, “Everyone says you're a good liar, can you fool me to come downstairs?”

The kid replied, “You're up there, there's nothing that I can do. But if you were down here, I could trick you into going upstairs.”

The honored person didn't believe it and immediately went downstairs to say, “Let's see how you'll trick me into going back upstairs.”

Donor's Book Keeps Off Tigers

A bandit and a mendicant Buddhist monk were traveling together. On the way they encountered a tiger. The bandit grabbed a weapon and struck the tiger. The tiger seemingly wasn't afraid of humans in the slightest and started circling while battling with the bandit.

The monk had no weapon and the only thing he could toss at the tiger was his notebook that he kept for recording alms numbers in. Unthinkably, the tiger saw the book and immediately fled off into the forest.

The tiger's son was extremely confused and asked his dad, “You're not afraid of a marauder but why you are frightened of a monk?”

The tiger said, “Son, there are things that you do not know. When the outlaws come I can fight like crazy with them. But this monk, he is a mendicant. If he asks me for money, and I have no money to give him, I also cannot fight him, how do you want me to get rid of such a person? All I can do is run away from it all.”

(From Xuetao's Collection of Anecdotes. Translation: Sam Bowden)

广笑府

文/[明] 江盈科

路远者先走

有人极贪杯。一天，他和许多人在朋友家聚会，喝得酩酊大醉，却不肯回家。他斜着眼睛对众人说：“路远者尽管先走。”

客人陆续告辞，只剩下他。主人不好意思逐客，只得继续相陪。

一会儿，此人又说：“路远者尽管先走。”

主人笑着说：“除你之外，就只有我一人。”

前几天，同事给我一道初二数学题让我解答，我如今只会加减乘除，那些公式、理论早都不记得了，好在我有外援，那就是最擅长解此题的当然是我那才参加高考的表弟。

此人说：“你还要走到内室，我再喝几杯，就躺在这里睡觉。”

眉毛

有一无赖，家里很穷，春节将至，没有钱办年货。妻子问他怎么办。他说：“我自有办法。”

这时，街上来一剃头匠。他走过去要剃头，说：“把我的眉毛也剃掉吧。”剃头匠虽然不理解，也答应可以。

刚剃去一边，此人突然大声喊道：“给人剃头，有剃眉毛的吗？”说着，他拉起剃头匠要去见官。

剃头匠不愿招惹麻烦，只得赔偿三百文钱。此人便用这些钱购买了年货。

妻子说：“不如把那边眉毛也剃去吧，只剩一边不好看。”

此人说：“你好没算计。这一半眉毛，还要留着过元宵节呢。”

没空说谎

武陵有一少年，善于说谎。一天，他在路上遇到一位熟识的老人。老人说：“人们都说你善于说谎，你能否给我说一次，看能不能骗着我？”

少年说：“刚听人说东湖的水干了，大家都去捉鱼。我也要赶去，现在没时间跟你撒谎。”说完，他急匆匆走去。

老人信以为真，也向东湖走去，到达之后，只见白茫茫一片，才醒悟已经上当。

又一天，少年路过某贵人楼下。贵人在楼上喊：“人们都说你善于撒谎，你能否将我骗下楼去？”

少年说：“你在楼上，我没有办法。你若在楼下，我就有办法将你骗到楼上去。”

贵人不相信，立即下楼，说：“我看你如何能骗我上楼。”

少年说：“我本是骗你下来，何必再骗你上去？”

化缘簿退虎

一强盗和一化缘和尚同行，途中遇到一只老虎。强盗手持武器打虎，老虎似乎并不怕人，与强盗周旋搏斗。

和尚没有武器，只好把用来记录化缘数目的本子向老虎投去。没想到，老虎看到此物，立即逃入山林。

老虎的儿子深感困惑，问爸爸：“您不怕强盗，却为何怕一和尚？”

老虎说：“儿有所不知。强盗来时，爸爸可以和他拼命厮打。这个和尚却是化缘的，若向我要钱，我无钱给他，又不能打，你让我如何打发？故只能一走了之。”

（摘自《雪涛谐史》）