懒人爱创新

Jeff+Charlebois

这个世界上到处都是懒人。有人懒得彻底，生活得一塌糊涂。有人却身懒心不懒，想尽办法进行各种发明和创新，让自己从无聊的重复性工作中抽身出来，以便能有更多的时间继续懒惰。所以，一批批让人们的生活变得更加轻松的新式工具和发明应运而生：电话、遥控器、汽车、洗衣机、刷碗机、扫地机器人……从古至今，懒人们对社会贡献的创新点子可远远不止这些，下面就让我们来见识一下懒人们的不凡之举。

Americans are lazy. And you know what？ Id like to argue that laziness is a good thing. Laziness gets us going. It breeds innovation. After all， what do people want？ They want something that can make their lives simpler. People will always buy that widget1） or gizmo2） that makes their day easier. So the forward-thinking lazy man will set his laziness aside for a few months to come up with something that promises to help people become lazier. Why？ Because life is all about greed and money. And not only are greed and money good， so is good， old-fashioned laziness.

There was a time when people used to have to walk places. （I know， crazy， isnt it？） At that time， there was no other choice. Eventually， however， folks got tired of walking， got lazy and jumped on the back of a horse. Unfortunately， they came to find out that this horse was a bear to take care of. It needed a barn to stay in， which meant someone had to build it one. Someone had to feed the horse， brush it， and generally look after it. The whole undertaking was a pain. So some lazy slob， who was no doubt tired of walking or smelling horse manure， invented the engine. A car was born.

Basic communication began with smoke signals but I have to imagine it would be pretty tiresome building a fire every time you wanted to invite someone over for dinner. Thankfully， someone invented papyrus3） so that people could make up formal invites. Then， because it would take monks several weeks to make copies of those invites， along came Gutenberg4） with a press that could crank out ten invites in a day. This allowed monks everywhere the ability to return to not talking to each other and humming.

Delivering the invites probably took months， thanks to the Pony Express5）， which meant that dinner was usually spoiled by the time folks received their dinner invitations. But then， along came Alexander Bell （who no doubt found opening an envelope burdensome and time consuming） to invent the telephone. This device allowed people to personally invite someone over for dinner. Sure， its always a pain getting up off the couch to answer the phone， but a much bigger problem is coming up with a spur-of-the-moment lie to justify declining the invitation. （No one wants to admit to being too lazy to attend.）

And so we have the answering machine. This device allowed the excuse of being out of town to become fashionable. Enter cell phones， allowing people to be reached at all times， a development that has made ducking invitations even more difficult than ever.

And what about our kids？ Without question， children are an integral part of the American nuclear family. But their primary function is to engender laziness—to help the parents out on the tedious household chores. As soon as a child is able to walk， its legal to make the little runt6） a household slave. Why should you have to take out the trash when theres a kid around？ The bright idea to assign chores to children was the secret reason behind the population boom. I suspect people were just plain tired of having to do the dishes and wash their clothes， and they figured kids were easy to boss7） around and fun to spank8）. Let kids handle the stuff that adults hate to do. Brilliant！

（Note： This plan has ultimately backfired9） because many children have now become lazier than their parents.）

Yes， my friend， laziness breeds innovation. Throughout history， almost everything ever invented was born from slothfulness： the steam engine， the choo-choo train， the riding lawnmower10）， the computer. Each of these things was concocted11） for one reason： to give us more time to rest. （Sleep is a beautiful thing.）

Many baby boomers12） remember the grueling13） days of having to sit through numerous commercials on TV. Ugh. （These were the olden days in which there were only three networks—and you had to play with rabbit ears to get them.） Luckily， some MIT genius， who was probably tired of having to put down his Twinkies and get up to switch over to Star Trek， came up with the greatest invention in the world： the remote control. This device revolutionized television watching and the slug14） was born. No more having to get up off the couch （groan） and change channels. No more sending your kid to do it for you. Now it was possible to just sit in one place and push a button to allow the world to unfold in front of you.

But commercials serve their own role in the promotion of laziness. Not a night goes by that several “as seen on TV” ads dont pop up on the screen， each hawking The Garden Weasel， Wonder Hangers， The Neckline Slimmer， Smart Mop， or that crazy little Ped Egg15）. In such advertisements， hyper16）， coked-up pitchmen17） swear they have items that will make our lives easier. （The only catch？ Most of these miracle items last about a week.） No need to run to the farmers market when you can have giant blueberries in your own backyard！ Toss Mr. Steamy18） in the dryer and never do any painstaking ironing！ And how about the breakthrough technology of The Flowbee19）？ Instead of having to waste energy by squeezing a pair of scissors together， now you can simply cut and vacuum your hair！ No more dandruff20）. Spill something？ All those time-consuming trips to grab paper towels are things of the past when you buy a ShamWow21）！

But for my money22）， the one item that epitomizes just how lazy Americans have become is The Clapper23）， a device that has finally made our one form of exercise—getting up and turning off a light—obsolete. Im telling you， youve got to think lazy to be rich！

Thank God for lazy people. If you want to be wealthy， take an hour or two out of your daily television watching and invent something that will help people become lazier.

As for me， Im off to make my dinner. I dont know if I have the strength to cut up any vegetables tonight. Where the hell is my Slap Chop Food Chopper？ Oh， and could someone please invent something that writes articles？

美国人都很懒。你明白吗？我想说明的是：懒惰是件好事。懒惰使我们进步。懒惰催生创新。说到底，人们需要什么？他们需要可以使生活变得更加简便的东西。人们总是喜欢买一些小工具、小发明，以使日子过得更加轻松。于是，有着超前思维的懒人就腾出几个月的懒惰时间，发明出一些有望使人们变得更加懒惰的东西。为什么呢？因为人生在世，无非就是贪婪和金钱。而且，不光贪婪和金钱是好东西，老掉牙的懒惰也是好东西。

从前，人们不得不靠两条腿四处走动。（我知道，这听起来也蛮拼的，对吧？）那时候，不这样也没别的办法呀。不过，人们最终还是厌倦了走路，变得懒惰起来，于是就骑在了马背上。遗憾的是，人们渐渐发现，这马照料起来也挺费事的。有了马就需要马厩，这就意味着你必须给它建造一所。还要有人来喂马，给马梳毛，并进行一些日常的照料工作。这样照料来照料去也够折腾人的。于是，某个懒人—他毫无疑问厌倦了行走或者说受不了马粪的臭味—就发明了发动机。于是汽车就诞生了。

人类最基本的通讯手段始于烟火信号，但依据我的想象，如果你每次邀请朋友过来共进晚餐都要点把火，也真是够麻烦的。谢天谢地，有人发明了纸莎草纸，这样一来，人们就可以书写正式的邀请了。接着，由于僧侣们往往要花费几周的时间才能制作出几份这样的邀请（编注：13世纪中期的欧洲，通常僧侣和牧师都是受过教育的，能读能写，所以像制作请帖之类的工作就交由他们来完成），于是，古腾堡的活版印刷就问世了，一天可以制作出十封邀请信。这就使得世界各地的僧侣们可以继续吟诵经文而无需彼此交谈了。

由于当时采用的是驿马快信制，传递这些邀请函可能会花费几个月的时间，这就意味着等人们收到宴会邀请函时，饭菜通常都馊了。于是，亚历山大·贝尔出现了（毫无疑问，他发现打开信函太麻烦、太费时间），他发明了电话。电话让人们可以亲自邀请某人前来共进晚餐。毋庸讳言，从沙发上起身接电话始终是件痛苦的事，但更大的问题是如何当场灵机一动想出一个谎言来拒绝邀请。（没人愿意承认自己太懒，懒得出席晚宴。）

于是，我们就有了电话留言机。电话留言机使得出门在外成为一个流行的借口。接下来手机应运而生，手机使得人们随时都能被联系到，这个进步使得躲避邀请比以往任何时候都更加困难。

那么我们的孩子们呢？毫无疑问，儿童是美国核心家庭不可分割的一部分。但儿童的主要功能是助长懒惰—使父母从无聊的家务活中解脱出来。孩子只要一学会走路，父母就可以合法地将这个小不点变成家务奴隶。家里有小孩，你又何须亲自动手倒垃圾呢？将家务分配给孩子做，这想法真是聪明绝顶，这才是人口激增背后的秘密原因。我猜想人们只是彻底厌倦了刷盘子、洗衣服，他们觉得孩子容易使唤，打起他们的屁股来也很好玩。让孩子去做成人们痛恨的事情。真是太聪明了！

（注意：这一招数的终极结果是搬起石头砸自己的脚，因为如今许多孩子已变得比他们的父母还要懒惰。）

的确，朋友们，懒惰乃创新之母。从古至今，几乎所有的发明创造都诞生于懒惰：蒸汽机、火车、骑乘式割草机、电脑。所有这些东西都是因一个原因而问世：给我们更多的休息时间。（睡觉是件美妙的事情。）

婴儿潮时期诞生的那代人许多都还记得那些难熬的日子：不得不忍受一个又一个的电视广告。我呸！（遥想当年，仅有三家电视网络可供选择—你还要常常摆弄兔耳朵似的电视天线才能收到。）幸运的是，麻省理工学院的某个天才创造了世界上最伟大的发明：电视遥控器！或许是因为他讨厌放下夹心面包频频站起来将电视调到演《星际迷航》的频道吧。遥控器的发明使得看电视的行为发生了革命性变化，电视懒人从此诞生。再也不需要从沙发上频频起身（抱怨着）换台了。再也不需要打发孩子替你动手了。现在你完全可以坐在一个地方，只需按一下按钮，整个世界就会展现在你的眼前。

但广告本身也在为懒惰的发扬光大推波助澜。每天晚上，电视屏幕上都会出现若干“电视购物”广告，推销“花园鼬鼠”园艺工具、神奇衣架、脖颈按摩器、智能拖把或者小巧怪异的磨脚蛋（译注：一种去除脚部死皮的蛋形磨脚器）等。在广告中，那些亢奋得跟吸食了可卡因似的推销员们信誓旦旦地说他们的产品将会使我们的生活变得更加方便。（唯一的问题？这些神奇的产品大多只能使用一周左右。）在自家后院里就可以种植超大蓝莓了，你再也不需要跑到农产品市场去了！把蒸汽干衣球扔到烘干机里，你再也不需要费力去熨烫衣服了！还有真空理发器那突破性的技术怎么样？你再也无需浪费精力使用剪刀了，你可以轻松剪掉头发，并把碎头发清理干净！从此再也没有头皮屑。把液体弄洒了？只要你拥有吸水魔巾，费时费力跑去拿纸巾的日子就将一去不返！

但在我看来，有一件物品体现了美国人到底变得多么懒惰，那就是声控开关。这一装置使我们的一种运动方式—起身关灯—终于成为过去。我告诉你，要想富，你就必须拥有懒人思维！

感谢上帝给了我们那么多懒人。你想发财吗？那就从每天看电视的时间里抽出一两个小时，发明一种可以让人们变得更加懒惰的东西。

至于我，我要赶紧做晚饭去。我不知道自己今晚有没有力气用菜刀切菜。我的拍拍刀食品切碎机到底放哪儿去了呢？哦，还有，有没有谁能发明出写作机器呢？

1. widget [?w?d??t] n. 小机械；小装置；（公司的某种）小产品

2. gizmo [?ɡ?zm??] n. 小发明；小装置，机械装置

3. papyrus [p??pa?r?s] n. 纸莎草纸

4. Gutenberg：即约翰内斯·古腾堡（Johannes Gutenberg， 1400～1468），德国发明家，是西方活字印刷术的发明人，他的发明推动了西方科学和社会的迅速发展。

5. Pony Express：驿马快信制，又译快马邮递或小马快递，是美国近代一项利用快马接力，在加利福尼亚州和密苏里州间传递邮件的系统。

6. runt [r?nt] n. 幼仔；（发育不全的）矮小动物（或植物、人等）

7. boss [b?s] vt. 对……发号施令；把……差来遣去

8. spank [sp??k] vt. （用手）打（小孩）的屁股

9. backfire [b?k?fa??（r）] vi. （计划）产生适得其反的结果

10. lawnmower [?l??n?m???（r）] n. [建]割草机

11. concoct [k?n?k?kt] vt. 调制；调合

12. baby boomers：（尤指1945至1965年间英国和美国）生育高峰期出生的人

13. grueling [?ɡru??l??] adj. 折磨人的；让人受不了的

14. slug [sl?ɡ] n. 懒散的人

15. 文中此处指各类新发明的产品。

16. hyper [?ha?p?（r）] adj. 亢奋的

17. pitchman [?p?t?m?n] n. 商品宣传者，广告员

18. Mr. Steamy：一款蒸汽干衣球，产品介绍宣称使用这款产品，衣服不需熨烫，自然平整。

19. The Flowbee：一款剪头发用的产品，集真空吸管和电动剪刀为一体。优点是不掉头发渣，头发渣全都被吸到吸尘器里了。

20. dandruff [?d?ndr?f] n. 头皮屑

21. ShamWow：一款抹布，产品介绍宣称其吸水性特别好。

22. for my money：据我看来，依照我的意见

23. The Clapper：一款声控电动开关，可用于控制两个电动装置，具体控制哪一个装置取决于用户拍手两次还是三次。