科幻小说中的五大鸡肋发明

Remember all those Star Trek gadgets you wished you had because they looked so cool? Well, it turns out looking cool is about all theyd be good for.

Heres five inventions that will be available some day... even if nobody wants them.

还记得在《星际迷航》里那些让你想要拥有的看起来酷毙了的小玩意儿吗？呃，实际上，它们也就是看起来酷，仅此而已。

这里有五个在将来会得到应用的发明……尽管没有人想用它们。

第五名：飞行汽车

As seen in:

Blade Runner, The Fifth Element, Back to the Future II, Futurama, The Jetsons... its actually kind of difficult to list sci-fi that doesnt feature some variation of the flying car.

Why we thought we wanted them:

First, we dont mean some kind of sissy half-plane, half-car hybrid that some people will try to tell you is a flying car. No, we mean real, float off the ground, how the crap is that happening, Jetsons sort of flying cars.

Of course, once you learned to drive, you wanted one even more. Every time youre stuck in traffic, you can picture yourself flipping a switch and swooping into the sky, leaving those honking fools behind. Youd fly straight to work, free as a bird.

Why we were wrong:

Well, guess what: They will not let you do that. People just flying wherever they want would be a death warrant for every radio tower and power line in the country.

曾出现在：

《银翼杀手》《第五元素》《回到未来II》《飞出个未来》《杰森一家》……实际上，从某种程度上讲，很难能列出来一个单子，说科幻小说里没有出现飞行汽车的。

我们为什么想要它：

首先，有人会把那种不伦不类的又像飞机、又像汽车的混合动力车叫作飞行汽车。不，我们说的是真正能离开地面飘在空中的那种——就是《杰森一家》里那种，那简直可以说是个垃圾玩意儿。

当然，一旦你学会了开车，你会迫不及待地想要一辆飞行汽车。每次你被堵在路上的时候，脑子里就会浮现出一个画面：你按了一个按钮，然后你的车就一下子飞上了天，把那些还在死命按喇叭的倒霉蛋儿们远远地甩在了后面。而你像一只自由的小鸟，直飞向工作地。

我们为什么错了：

呃，试想一下：他们不会让你那样做。人们飞着去他们想去的任何地方，这会让每个收音天线塔和国家的输电线处在一击致命的危险中。

第四名：飞行背包

As seen in:

The Jetsons (again), The Rocketeer, James Bond used one in Thunderball, Boba Fett in Star Wars... too many to count. If youve never heard about and/or purchased a toy featuring a jet pack, you are from the 1800s.

Why we thought we wanted them:

Because every single human wants the ability to fly, pretty much from birth. Were talking about the ability to fly, not ride in a thing that flies.

Why we were wrong:

Were going to skip past the obvious point that the Rocketeer here would be left with charred stumps below the thigh, since that exhaust is coming out at around 2,000 degrees.

Modern jet packs just use tanks of compressed gas that basically fart you into the air. If that sounds lame, youre right. The prototypes they have now let you fly a whole 30 seconds.

曾出现在：

《杰森一家》（又来了），《火箭人》，詹姆斯邦德在《雷霆万钧》里也用过一次, 星球大战里的Boba Fett... 数不胜数。要是你从来没有听说过它，或者没有买过一个带着飞行背包的玩具，那你肯定是从19世纪来的。

我们为什么想要它：

因为每个人从生下来就都渴望能够飞翔。我们说的是具有飞翔的能力，而不是说坐在一个能飞的东西里。

我们为什么错了：

我们先不说最明显的一点，即那个火箭人的大腿会被烤得像截烧焦的树桩，因为火箭的气流会以大约2000度的高温喷出来。

现在的飞行背包用的是装着压缩天然气的罐子，基本上只能把你“喷”离地面。如果那听起来很衰的话，正是如此。现在研究出来的原型机只能让你飞整整30秒。

第三名：全息甲板

As seen in:

Most people would know the holodeck as being an invention out of the Star Trek series, but they probably took the idea from a Ray Bradbury short story called The Veldt where a family has a holodeck that simulates an African veldt, and then are (predictably) eaten by virtual lions.

Why we thought we wanted it:

The holodeck is just big room, that can simulate any number of environments and/or experiences for the user, and can trick all five senses into believing that its real. You dont have to hook anything up to your brain, and you can walk in and out of it like any room.

Why we were wrong:

Of course, we here at Cracked were too busy practicing Jujitsu and working on our dragsters to watch something as geeky as Star Trek, but we do know that the dangers of a holodeck were demonstrated in Episode 234. This episode proved that if you get shot by a cowboy in the holodeck world, you really die.

曾出现在：

大多数人对全息甲板的了解，可能以为它是来自《星际迷航》系列的一个发明。但是，他们很可能是从雷·布莱伯利写的一个叫《大草原》的短篇小说里得到这个想法的。在这部小说里，一家人有一个全息甲板，能模拟非洲的大草原，然后他们（很可能）被虚拟的狮子给吃掉了。

我们为什么想要它：

全息甲板只是一个能模拟任意数量环境的大屋子，也能模拟进去的人的感觉，从而欺骗人的五感，让人以为是处在真实的世界。你不用在你的大脑上连接什么东西，你也可以像进出任何屋子一样进出全息甲板。

我们为什么错了：

当然，就像我们疯也似的忙着练柔道和改装汽车一样，我们疯狂地看着像《星际迷航》这样令人生厌的东西。但我们知道，全息甲板的危险性出现在第234集里。这集告诉我们，如果你在全息甲板的世界里被一个牛仔射杀了，那你也就真的死了。

第二名：远程传送

As seen in:

Star Trek, The Fly, countless video games.

Why we thought we wanted it:

Heres a technology thatd make the flying car and the jet pack both look like that retarded Flintstones car you drive with your feet. Were talking instant transport to anywhere, any time. You can live on the beach in Hawaii and live in New York. Sit there in the morning and sip coffee until about five seconds before the meeting is set to start, then step into your transport—there you are, in the conference room.

Why we were wrong:

Many later science fiction writers have declared that a device that can disassemble and reassemble a human molecule-by-molecule would be patently unsafe (the most famous and grotesque portrayal of a teleporter accident came, of course, in the film Spaceballs). But, even if they get the bugs worked out, there is a much larger and much weirder issue.

A teleporter wouldnt actually break down your atoms and then shoot those same atoms thousands of miles through the air; even if it were possible, thered be no reason to do it. It would instead just grab Hydrogen and Oxygen atoms from out of the air and assemble you out of those (one Hydrogen atom is the same as another, after all).

曾出现在：

《星际迷航》，《变蝇人》，还有数不清的电子游戏里。

我们为什么想要它：

有一种技术，能让飞车和飞行背包都看起来像呆呆的《摩登原始人》里，你用脚来开的那种车一样傻。我们说的是瞬间传送东西到任何时间、任何地点的技术。你可以住在夏威夷的海滩上，也可以住在纽约。在开会前五秒钟，你还可以坐在早晨的海滩上品着咖啡，然后你起身走进你的传送机——你就到会议室了。

我们为什么错了：

后来的许多科幻小说家都声明说，那种可以一个分子一个分子地拆分、组合人体的设备，很明显是不安全的（史上最著名和怪异的失败的传送，出现在电影《太空炮弹》里）。但是，尽管他们补上了漏洞，还是有一个更大的、更离奇的问题。

一台传送机不会真的拆分你到原子然后把那些原子发射到几千里外；即使这是可能的，也没有理由去那样做。取而代之的是，只要在空气里抓一把氢和氧的原子，然后把它们组装起来，就是你了（毕竟氢原子们总是一模一样的）。

第一名：物质复制机

As seen in:

Again, Star Trek

Why we thought we wanted it:

Youre hungry, and you dont really feel like cooking or even going out to get something. Well no need to starve! This machine will replicate virtually any food that you can think of. Or, at least a series of foods that have previously been programmed into the machine.

Not just food, either. Anything. Need new batteries for your remote? Replicator. New pair of shoes? No problem. Forget your girlfriends birthday? Punch a button on the replicator and itll spit out a pair of flawless diamond earrings.

Why we were wrong:

Since its just assembling molecules, presumably it would be cheaper for this thing to make you a pair of diamond earrings than a hot dog, since fewer molecules and less energy would be required. It could print perfect counterfeit money. Hell, punch a button, and itll crank out a molecule-for-molecule replica of The Mona Lisa.

The bad news is, of course, it would eliminate your job. Your job, and all your friends jobs, and, well, almost everyone elses. No need for farms or factories or stores. The only people whod still be working are doctors and the people who make replicators. Oh, wait, you can just have a huge replicator that makes replicators.

曾出现在：

还是《星际迷航》

我们为什么想要它：

你饿了，可你很不想做饭，甚至不想出去买吃的。你不会饿死的！这台机器基本上可以复制出任何你想吃的东西。或者，至少是那些被预先编到机器程序里的食物。

还不止是吃的东西，而是任何东西。遥控器该换新电池了？复制。想要双新鞋？没问题。把女朋友的生日忘了？按机器上的一个钮，一对完美无瑕的钻石耳环就从机器里出来了。

我们为什么错了：

既然只是分子的组装，那么可以推出，用这个机器做一对钻石耳环会比做一只热狗便宜，因为做前者用的分子和能量更少。它还能造出完美的假币。更绝的是，只要按一下钮，它就会做出一幅一个分子一个分子复制的《蒙娜丽莎》。

当然，坏消息是，这显然会让你失业。你的工作、你所有朋友的工作，还有几乎每个人的工作都会丢掉。我们再也不需要什么农场或者工厂或者商店了。唯一在工作的人们，就是医生和那些做复制机的人。呃，等等，你可以只做一个巨大的复制机，专门复制复制机。