愧Feeling Guilty

在整理旧稿1时，发现了一个孩子给我的信，那是一颗如水晶般透明的心，热诚地贡献给我；而且这个孩子，正走到满是荆棘的园地2里，家庭使他受苦，社会又使他惶惑，他那颗稚嫩的心，便开始受伤，隐隐地滴血。正在这时候3，他抓住了我，叫道：“老师！你领导我呀4，你给我些止血的圣药呀！”唉，伟大，这霎时间，在我心灵中闪光，我觉得我的确充实着力量，而且我很愿意，摧毁一切的虚伪，一样地把我赤裸裸的心，贡献于他。于是两颗无疵无瑕的心，携着手，互相地抚摸安慰。

When I was organizing old communications and drafts， I came across a letter from a child. Like a drop of crystal-clear water， it revealed an innocent mind. The child was wandering amid a thicket of thorny bushes. He had suffered a lot and felt lost both within and without his own family. Feelings of dejection were gnawing at his young heart. He craved comfort and guidance. Taking me by the hand， he begged me to lead him out of despair， “Please！ Please give me some magic pills， and help stop my pain！” For a moment my heart lit up. My strength surged， determined to smash all hypocrisy， and ready to protect his pure heart with my pure heart. We held each other’s hand， and encouraged each other to be strong.

但恶魔从暗陬里闪了进来，把我灵宫中昙花一现的神光遮蔽了，在渐积的世故人情的威权下，我忽略了那孩子所贡献给我的心，他是那样饥饿地盼望我的救助，而我只是淡淡地对他一瞥便躲开了。

But before long a demon emerged from darkness， blocking the light in my heart， and subduing me under the crushing weight of worldly concerns. Gradually I forgot to warm that innocent child’s heart， and began to ignore his desperate cries for help. I would cast him no more than an indifferent look.

残酷的流年，变迁了一切，这颗孩子的心，恐也不免被渐积的世故人情所污染。这自然未必都是我的错，可是在事隔五年的今天，翻出那孩子所给我心的供状，我的脸不禁火般地灼热，我的心难免颤抖，呵，我怎能避免良心的鞭策5？

Five cruel years have gone by. Things have changed. I’m afraid that kid may not have been able to escape the clutch of the power of worldly decay. That may not necessarily have been my fault. But when I revisited his letter today， my face turned red with shame， and I found myself trembling. How can I not be reproached by my own conscience？

而且就是如今，我仍继续着，干这惨忍的勾当，我不能如我想象般应付那些透明孩子的心，当他们将纯洁的心泪，流向我面前时，只有我受恩惠，因为在那一霎时，我真烛见无掩无饰的人生，而我又给他们些什么呢？6

Even today I’m still doing these cruel things. I’m not responding to children’s cries as I would like to. When they open their hearts to me， they allow me to see what an untainted life is like. For a moment I find myself basking in their aura of innocence， and inspired by their courage not to hide behind a facade. But what can I give them in return？

惭愧，我对于一切的孩子的心抱愧，在这谲诡奸诈的社会里，孩子们从所谓教育家那里所能得到，仅是一些龌龊的人世经验。唉，这个世界上只有孩子才配称得起人们之师吧！

I feel guilty. I have failed to protect the innocence of children. Amid rampant treachery and intrigue， what can kids expect to learn from the so-called educators？ No more than dirty worldly pursuits. Alas！ The roles should be reversed： only kids are true teachers.

1“旧稿”可以指任何旧的稿件，包括书稿、文稿或书信等，故用old communications and drafts来表示。 2“园地”经常译成garden，但此处称之为garden不一定合适。此处的“园地”是“满是荆棘的园地”，强调的是“荆棘丛生”，而不是“花草满目”，所以笔者将其译成a thicket of thorny bushes。

3“正在这时候”如果译成at this time，在英文里会相当唐突，原因是作者描写的是小孩的心境，而这个心境是持续性的，并非在某一时刻突然出现。然而，这里确实需要某种过渡，以确保行文连贯。先从受伤滴血的心转到求助的渴望，才能自然转到下一个动作：“抓住了我，叫道……。”根据这一考量，笔者增添了“He craved comfort and guidance.”，以此句取代“正在这时候”。中文里的过渡的确是靠“正在这时候”一语实现的，同样的过渡方式为何在译文里不妥呢？这是由中英文的差异所致：英文对逻辑连贯的要求高于中文。 4“你领导我呀”一语本身没有说明引导“我”做什么或去哪里，在译文里无法按此悬空挂着，我们有必要补充一点内容，如he begged me to lead him out of despair。另外，笔者将部分直接引语移到引号之外，这是考虑到直接引语太长，内容太多 ，不利于烘托挣扎中的童心的伤痛。

5“鞭策”的字面义是“用鞭子抽马”，一般用来比喻督促或激励，但这种解读在此语境里显然不合适。作者在前面谈及“我的脸不禁火般地灼热，我的心难免颤抖”，反映的是一种内疚的心理，而鼓励（encourage）这样的心理是荒唐的，所以这里的“鞭策”似应按字面解读，即用鞭子抽打，那就相当于责备，而“良心的鞭策”就是reproached by my own conscience。 6 这段译文没有参照中文格式及结构，但着力再现原文的内涵。翻译“应付那些透明孩子的心”时我们固然无法称deal with the hearts of children，而只能结合上文所述（小孩在受苦，在求助），译成responding to children’s cries。“因为在那一霎时”是过渡用语，本身没有实际意义，中文写作时可用的过渡方式在英文里不一定合适，所以没有必要硬译。