Never Too Late

By Zhang Kangkang

My son was born in Beidahuang, or the Great Northern Wilderness (the 55,400-squarekm reclaimed land in northeast China’s Heilongjiang Province), with only one character, “Fang,” as his given name.When he was only one year old, his father and I got divorced.Since his hukou (household registration) was transferred back to Hangzhou, he had to live with his grandparents.I could only see and play with him during the holidays when I visited my family.I would bring him new clothes, toys, and snacks.Every time we met, I found he casually called me mom with much reluctance as if it was only an empty dry title.

Unsolved Matters of the Heart

Fang was reluctant to smile or talk, and tended to avoid eye contact with people, even as a child.He was depressed, frustrated, and alone throughout his childhood, with seemingly nothing to do all day long and poor school performance.Despite his grandparents’ repeated persuasion, he wouldn’t develop an interest in his studies.

During his high-school years, Fang, like most of his peers, was attracted to popular songs originating from regions like Hong Kong and Taiwan.I found out that he was a gifted singer—some of his renditions were as well sung as the original recordings.I was overjoyed by this.I told myself that a person would become motivated if he knew what he really wanted.Hence, despite my own poor taste for popular songs, I encouraged him by purchasing some tapes and hiring private vocal coaches.In order to secure the copy recorded with songs from the Taiwan pop star Gao Lingfeng, I asked my friend in Hong Kong to hunt everywhere for it.I said to my son, “If you really like singing, you should be serious about it.A real singer never copies others’ style, and you should start by learning the numbered musical notation and move on to the stave.After that, you can write music and lyrics of your own.”

At my words, he became puzzled and frustrated.We had many quarrels about his learning the numbered musical notation.I was once so angry at his careless attitudes and slow progress that I threw a songbook on the ground with force.But he just said lightly, “I sing songs just for fun, but you push me so hard.All the fun is ruined!” It left me speechless.

As a result, my plan for him ended up with failure.He remained what he was, tirelessly enjoying the tape recordings, and he practiced singing by following the Karaoke videos.

Between his late teens and early twenties, we had a difficult time getting along.Finally, I lost all my patience one day and seriously criticized him for his lack of hard work.He spat out the long-held words in his heart, “If you and Dad hadn’t broken up, I wouldn’t have been like this…”

I got stung by his words, and felt so hurt and disappointed.We had done what we could—all for his sake.His step-father even gave up the idea of having his own child.What else could we do for him?

After all, he frankly spoke up with what was on his mind.It took great courage to open the heavy and rusty door of his heart.

As his mother, I was in no position to blame him.It might take a lifetime to solve such heartbreak, for a water pipe clogged by dirt should be cleaned by water itself.

Overseas Experience

I thought Fang needed a change of environment.I should “drive” him out so that the fresh wind from the outside world could remove the dark clouds over his heart and let sails of his heart take him forward.

Later, there happened to be an opportunity for him to study Japanese in Japan.If he passed the Japanese language test, he would be accepted into a university there.When Fang learned it he was so excited that he couldn’t wait to start his Japanese language study.Soon he boarded the plane bound for Japan with determination.He was 22 that year, which marked a major turning point in his life.

During those two years, his letters from Japan reported his typical life—his part-time job and study, together with some topics like China-Japan relations—in which I was not really interested.He didn’t mention a word about what I really wanted to know, such as food, health, study and safety.I was told that he got a second-hand stereo to enjoy pop songs every night, no matter how busy he was.During his college years, he took a part-time job at a local fast food company, which not only supported his life and studies in Japan, but also earned him a little savings.I incidentally learned that his boss was kind to him, and often treated him to a glass of beer after work.Whenever Fang talked about this, he would readily argue that he didn’t realize he was a grown-up until he went to Japan.

Two years later, he suddenly wrote to me that he didn’t want to apply to any university, but planned to return to China to find a job.He seemed quite confident about his Japanese proficiency, so that no further study was needed.If he really thought so, I could weakly agree.Concerned about his loneliness in a foreign country, I was finally assured that he indeed returned out of loneliness rather than his work.With huge masses of workaholics in Japan, I was afraid that he would develop a sort of autism if he stayed there longer.An open country should offer people full freedom of coming and going—and so should an open home.

Setting Sail Again

After he returned, he looked skinny, but his head rose high and his back straightened up.His face glowed with confidence and his eyes showed more willingness to communicate.I could sense that he had changed his mind for the better.Could he grow up into an adult overnight?

Two months later, he took a job interview from a newly opened entertainment center without seeking advice from family members.He was accepted and soon promoted to the foreman.I was shocked when I learned of it.I told to myself, “Of all the jobs, why do you take the one receiving Japanese customers? I wouldn’t wish you to become a foreman, as a returned student from Japan.” The words rose to my throat but I checked them.I had to respect his own choice, and let him follow his wish because he already became a grown-up.

Several months later, he told me that he planned to serve as an interpreter in a Hangzhou-based Japanese funded enterprise, whose boss was a regular customer of the entertainment center and was well-received by Fang.After he found that Fang was an honest man with a good command of oral Japanese, he extended him an offer with the salary twice as much as that of his job at the entertainment center.Fang was soon promoted from the interpreter to the vice general manager, and he bought many books about corporate management for his self-study and managerial practice.

I came to believe that my son was a different man from what he used to be before his trip to Japan.While I was still too concerned about his weaknesses, he had already defeated them and forged ahead.What is the source of his values in life, and where is his personality from—family education or social environment?

During his one-year stay in the enterprise, he made an astonishingly rapid progress.The voice from his weekly call appeared as calm and determined as an adult.He regarded me as his colleague to exchange ideas about matters in his company.

However, it was interesting to see that he was not happy about himself even as we were content with his progress.A man’s self-dissatisfaction could be greater power to drive him forward.

Actually, he did quite a good job in that company where he maintained good relationship with the boss and co-workers.However, he realized that he was unable to handle more important work with limited Japanese language abilities, especially if he didn’t receive professional education.He needed the knowledge of modern management and improved skills in his written Japanese, as well as more general practice.He felt as if he was standing beside the vast ocean, with only an aim in mind, but hadn’t started his voyage yet.

He made a surprising decision for the whole family that he would give up his well-paid job and apply to an economics college in Japan.

I was filled with more joy than just surprise.My son was eventually motivated to study.It seems it is never too late to start, as long as a man can put himself on the right track.

In only three months, he prepared all the documents required and successfully made his way.

Before he left, some coworkers held a send-off party for him, and they confessed to him a lot of things never told before.He said he was happier that night than on the following day when the boss treated him to a farewell meal.

In the chilly April air, I went back to Hangzhou to see him off.On a clear night, we rode bicycles to Baidi for fun.At the side of the glimmering lake, he stopped for a while before he said, “Mom, just forget the stupid things I said before, I am so sorry for my childish attitudes then.”

I may not have understood what he meant, yet I should have.

“In fact, I knew long before that you became a true mom to me after you got divorced.I would follow your example to work hard, and I really appreciate that you have found a good dad for me.”

Dim was the crescent moon hanging in the sky, but it had never appeared so clear and beautiful to me.

As we both further ourselves and lives, who knows, my son’s f light might just arrive at the Tokyo airport—and start a new chapter of his journey.

(FromMy Visiting Memories, Changjiang Literature and Art Publishing House.Translation: Wang Wen)

什么时候开始都不晚

文/张抗抗

儿子出生在北大荒，单名一个“放”字。还在放放一岁的时候，我和他的父亲便离异了。他的户口办回杭州以后，就一直同爷爷奶奶生活在一起。我每年只能在回杭州探亲的日子里，带些衣物和玩具食品，去看望他，与他玩耍。每一次见到他，总觉得他开口叫妈妈，实在叫得很勉强，例行公事似的，淡漠得可有可无。

心结难解

儿子从小就不爱笑，也不爱说话，更不爱与人交往。他的童年过得不快乐，一副抑抑郁郁的样子，心事重重，形孤影单。一天到晚无所事事，学习成绩总是中等偏下，老人磨破嘴皮也无法培养起他的学习兴趣与好奇心。

到了高中时，儿子像许多年轻人一样，迷上了港台流行歌曲。突然就有那么一天，我们知道他竟然会唱好多好听的歌，有几首模仿得同磁带一样。这一发现使我欣喜若狂，我想，一个人只要找到自己喜欢做的事，就会产生学习的动力。于是，自己虽然不十分欣赏流行歌曲，但也对他大加鼓励，给他买录音磁带还给他找老师。为了帮他买到他酷爱的台湾歌星高凌风的磁带，我拜托香港的朋友跑遍了香港街头。我说：“你若是喜欢唱歌，你就好好唱，真正的歌手从不模仿别人的歌，你应该从学习简谱开始，然后学五线谱，然后自己作词作曲，然后只唱自己的歌。”

听到这里，儿子的眼神茫然无措，继而便暗无天日了。为了学习简谱，我和他之间发生过多次争执，他学得漫不经心一无长进，气得我曾狠狠把歌本摔在地上，而他却轻飘飘地说了一句很富哲理的话：“我唱歌本是为了高兴，你让我学得这么苦，那我唱歌还有什么意思呢？”噎得我哑口无言。

自然，我所想象从乐理入门的计划，很快彻底告吹，他依然我行我素、不厌其烦地听着录音带，然后跟着卡拉OK轻松地唱出：“我不是一个坏小孩……”

从儿子十七八岁到二十一二岁这段时间，我们母子间相处得十分艰难。终于有一天，在我失去了耐心，激烈批评他不够努力之后，他吐出了心里一直耿耿于怀的那句话：“如果……如果不是因为父母在我那么小的时候就分手，我不会是这样……”

这句话深深地刺伤了我。我觉得委屈和失望。为了全力关心他、爱护他，我们已经做了所能做的一切，他的继父甚至在没有亲生子女的情况下，做出了一个男人最大的牺牲，放弃了再要一个孩子的愿望。我们还能再为他做些什么呢？

但他毕竟坦率地说出了自己的想法。当他启开这扇锈锁多年的沉重心门之时，需要多大的勇气啊。

作为母亲我没有权利责怪他。一个攒了20年的心结，也许需要一生的时间去化解。即使水流被腐叶阻塞，淤泥最终还得靠水流自己去疏通。

单飞历程

我想儿子是需要改换一下环境了。我得把他“放”出去，放单飞，让外面开放世界上流动的风，驱散他心上的阴云，鼓动起他的心帆。

恰好不久后就有了一个去日本学习语言的机会，两年后若是日语通过考试，可以再升入日本的大学。儿子得知这个消息，兴奋得毫不犹豫。他跃跃欲试地开始学习日语，然后勇敢地登上飞机东渡扶桑，开始了他求学的生涯。那年他22岁，那是他人生的一次重大转折。

两年中，来自日本的平安家书报告着上学打工千篇一律的日子，只是字里行间多了一些你并不太关心的日中关系之类，你作为父母极想知道的诸如饮食、身体、功课，包括地震，却只字不提。听人说他捡拾了一台废弃的音响，无论多忙，每晚依然很潇洒、很专注地欣赏那些流行的磁带。两年中，他竟然安之若素地始终服务于一家快餐公司，打工挣钱交学费养活自己还略有节余。偶尔得知那日本老板似乎很平等，常在工作结束后请他喝上一杯啤酒。后来，儿子讲到这一点便眉飞色舞，他说他感到自己已是个成年人，就是在到了日本以后。

两年以后儿子突然表示不想再考大学，而要回国工作。他似乎认为自己的日语水平相当不错，无须再继续读书了。对此，我当然无法苟同，我在心里牵念着儿子在异国的寂寞，确认他的归国是由于孤独而不是工作。东瀛那个地方多工作狂人，儿子再待上几年弄不好染上点孤独症、自闭症什么的可就悔之晚矣。开放的国界当然是来去自由，何况家呢。

重新起航

回国后的儿子，从外表上看仍是瘦弱纤细的，但以前总是闷闷低着的头，如今却高高地扬了起来，以前常萎靡不振的腰板如今挺得笔直，脸上开始有了一种自信的光泽，眼睛里多了些闪烁的问号。我隐隐地觉得，他的内心已发生了我看不见的变化，他莫非真的就这样突然成熟了？

两个月以后，他在没有征求家人意见的情况下，自作主张报名去一家新开张的娱乐城应聘。他居然被录取了，然后很快升为领班。我知道这个消息时目瞪口呆，我想对他说，你哪儿不能去，干吗去娱乐城接待日本客人，我把你送到日本去可不是为了让你回来当领班。但我什么也没有说。我得尊重他自己的选择，面对一个长大了的儿子，我只能“放”任自流了。

又过了几个月，他告诉我，他将要到杭州的一家日资企业去当翻译了。那家公司的老板就是他曾经多次在娱乐城接待过的客人。那老板发现他的日语讲得不错，人又诚实可靠，就以比他原先高一倍的工资，把他“挖”了过去。他很快就由翻译兼任副经理，然后买了一大堆企业管理方面的书籍，开始自学并实践企业管理工作。

我不得不开始相信，儿子已同去日本之前判若两人。当我们过多地担忧并停留在孩子的弱点上时，他已悄悄迈过沟坎昂然起步。那么，他的人生价值标准和个性，究竟更多的是来自家教还是来自社会大环境呢？

在这家日资公司的一年多里，儿子继续以惊人的速度变化发展着。他用来唱流行歌曲的嗓音，从每周的电话里传过来，显然变得从容沉稳、有条有理，像一个成年的男子，把我当成了他的同事，讨论着公司的事情。

然而，有意思的是，当我们开始为他感到欣慰的时候，他却开始对自己不满意了。一种来自对自己的不满，可以成为人生道路上又一次巨大的动力。

应该说，他在那家公司干得不坏，老板和工人都同他相处得十分融洽。但是，他终于发现自己如果不接受系统的专业教育，现有的日语能力便无法适应日后更重要的工作。他需要学习现代管理知识，需要提高日语书写水平，需要到更广阔的天地去强化训练自己。他忽然觉得自己像是站在苍茫浩瀚的大海边，只是刚刚有了一个目标，其实根本就还没有启程。

他做出了一个令我们全家都十分吃惊的决定：放弃目前报酬还算优厚的工作，报考日本的经济专门学校，再次东渡日本艰苦求学。

惊奇之后更多的是欣喜——儿子终于从内心产生了学习上进的愿望。一个人只要大步上路，什么时候开始都不晚。

短短的3个月中，他独自办好所有的手续，一路绿灯，顺利成行。

他离开公司前，工人们自发请他喝酒为他送行，说了许多以前被他管理着的时候不曾说过的真心话，他说他那一晚比第二天老板请他喝酒更开心。

春寒料峭的4月，我专程回杭州为他送行。一个晴朗的夜晚，我和他骑车到白堤去散步。在波光粼粼的湖边，他沉默了好一会儿，突然说：“妈妈，我以前说过的那些话，你都把它忘了吧，我想，那时我还是孩子……”

我不知道他指的是什么。不，也许我应该知道。

“其实……其实，我早就明白了，你是在离婚以后才真正成为我的妈妈的。我会像你一样，靠自己去奋斗。也谢谢你后来又给了我一个好爸爸。”

那天晚上，弯弯的月牙朦朦胧胧，我却从未见过那么明亮美丽的月色。

当我写完最后一句话的时候，儿子乘坐的飞机也许正降落在东京机场。这是他又一次“放飞”。

（摘自《回忆找到我》长江文艺出版社）