老妈的“辞职信”

张玲

老妈发飙了！快来听听老妈的倾诉，变得乖一点吧。要不然，去哪儿找那么好的老妈呢？

Dear Kids，

Remember me？ I'm the tired， angry martyr1） you malign2） and ignore every day. I'm the harridan3） who nags4） and bitches5） at you 24/7. I'm the one with the bad temper who swears and despairs in equal measure. I'm the tragic one who hasn't managed a good night's sleep since the day you were born. Yeah， it's me. I just wanted you to know that I'm taking a break. I'm giving myself a big time-out； sending myself to camp， going away for a while. Before I do， though， there are a few things you need to know.

I have left a hamper6） in each of your bedrooms. It is for your laundry. Neither I nor Dad will be doing your laundry any more. None of it. You're old enough to do your own. If you don't know how to use the machine， use those enquiring， independent minds I have endeavored to nurture and learn！

I will not be concerning myself with your diets. I will not be thinking of your nutrition， or of who likes what. I will not be buying， preparing， cooking or doing anything with food for you. I will not be baking cakes， scones7）， flapjacks8） or making grilled cheese， tuna melts9） or anything else for when you walk in the door. I will not spend one moment on ensuring you have enough protein or fiber. I will not concern myself with making any family dinners where you can unwind10）， connect， laugh or ponder11） the events of your day. This should make you happy. You can put your elbows wherever you like， talk loudly with your mouths full and cover everything in ketchup or maple syrup12）.

You may clean up after yourselves13）. I will not be putting hairbrushes or gel14） back in the drawer. I will not be picking up your pajamas from the bath mat. I will not be cleaning up your toothpaste spit from the sink every morning. I will not be opening your windows to air out15） your bedrooms or making your environment pleasurable in any way. I will not be making sure you have gym clothes ready. I will not be putting your breakfast bowls in the dishwasher， nor wiping up the milk you spilt. I will not be doing your abandoned chores because I won't be taking pity on you. I will not be dying/braiding your hair， taking you for haircuts or getting you prescriptions for your skin. I will not be taking you to the doctor/chiropractor16）.

Arrange your own rides everywhere. I will not be planning any trips for you or driving you anywhere. I will not be coordinating with any other parents to get you to or from any of your activities， despite how much hard-earned and scarce money we have paid for you to do them.

Do your homework or don't. I won't be checking if you have any， if you've done it， helping you with it or signing any papers. I won't be reminding you of projects or procuring17） your supplies. I won't be contacting any teachers with excuses for why you're late/haven't done homework/can't attend. I will not be taking any interest in your education whatsoever. Your future， for now at least， is in your hands. Not mine.

Lastly， look carefully elsewhere for a soft place to land. Advice， empathy， support， sympathy， encouragement， solace18） and kindness will not be supplied. I will not be listening to your problems with your friends. I will not be a sounding board19） for your issues. I will not be listening to your tales， jokes， trials or tribulations20） nor will I be helping you to find solutions to your myriad21） difficulties. I will not be providing hugs， massages， foot rubs22） or any form of physical comfort to let you know you're loved， accepted or cherished. I won't be paying you compliments or telling you how smart/handsome/pretty/cute or funny you are. I won't be bolstering23） your fragile， burgeoning24） egos in any way.

While I'm away I want you to play a game. It's called "Pretend You're Me". Metaphorically25） wear my shoes. Walk in them for a little bit. Do what I do for five minutes. See what I see and try to feel what I feel. She or he that finishes exhausted， sad， stressed， milked， over-burdened and exploited is the winner！

Love，

Mum

亲爱的孩子们：

还记得我吗？我是那个又累又气的受气包，你们每天说我坏话，还不理我。我是那个一周七天、一天24小时唠叨、埋怨你们的悍妇。我是那个坏脾气的家伙，诅咒发誓和绝望无助一样的多。我是那个悲催可怜的家伙，自打你们出生就再也没能睡上一晚的好觉。是的，这个人就是我。我只是想让你们知道，我要休息一下了。我要给自己放一个大长假，送自己去露营，离开一段时间。但是，在我离开前，有几件事儿你们得知道。

我在你们每个人的卧室里都放了一个洗衣篮，用来装你们的待洗衣物。我和你们的爸爸都不会再帮你们洗衣服了，一件也不洗。你们已经长大，可以自己洗了。如果你们不知道怎么用洗衣机，就动动我一直竭力培养你们的那爱探究和独立思考的脑瓜，自己去学！

我不会再操心你们的饮食。我不会再考虑你们的营养，或谁喜欢吃什么。我不会去买食物，准备食物，烹饪食物，或为你们做任何和食物有关的事情。当你们走进家门时，不会再看到我在烤蛋糕、司康、煎饼，或在做烤奶酪、金枪鱼三明治或其他任何东西。我不会再花哪怕一点点时间去确保你们摄入了足够的蛋白质和纤维。我再也不用操心做什么家庭晚餐，让你们能够在这时放松心情、沟通交流、开怀大笑或思考这一天里发生的事情。这应该会让你们开心吧。你们可以想把胳膊肘放哪儿就放哪儿，可以满嘴是饭也大声说话，可以吃什么东西都抹上番茄酱或枫糖了。

你们可能还要给自己清理善后。我不会再帮你们把梳子或发胶放回抽屉。我不会再把你们的睡衣裤从浴室的地垫上捡起来。我不会每天早晨清理洗脸池里你们吐的牙膏沫。我不会帮你们开窗，给你们的卧室通风或以任何方式让你们的环境变得舒适宜人。我不会再保证你们的健身服都准备好了。我不会把你们早餐用过的碗放进洗碗机，或擦掉你们洒出的牛奶。我不会再做那些你们不愿做的杂事，因为我不会再同情你们。我不会帮你们染头发或编辫子，不会带你们去理发或找医生给你们开治皮肤病的药。我不会再带你们去看医生或做理疗。

不管去哪儿你们都要自己安排行程。我不会再帮你们计划任何旅行，也不会开车带你们去任何地方。我不会再和其他任何家长协调你们参加任何一个活动的接送问题，尽管那些活动是我和你爸爸已经花了辛苦挣来的宝贵金钱让你们去参加的。

你们做不做家庭作业都行。我不会再检查你们是不是有作业、是不是做了作业，我也不会再帮你们做作业或在你们的卷子上签字。我不会提醒你们要完成课题或给你们买相关用品。我不会联系任何一位老师，为你们解释你们为什么迟到、没做家庭作业、不能去上学。我不会再对你们的教育有任何兴趣。你们的未来，至少就目前而言，在你们的手里，而不在我的手里。

最后，去别处仔细寻找“温柔乡”吧。我这里不会再为你们提供建议、同感、支持、同情、鼓励、安慰和慈爱了。我不会再听你们倾诉你们和朋友间的问题。我不会再为你们的问题出谋划策。我不会再听你们讲故事、说笑话、倾诉忧伤，更不会再帮你们想办法解决那没完没了的难题了。我不会再为你们提供拥抱、按摩、捏脚或其他任何形式的身体上的安慰，好让你们知道我爱你们、接纳你们或爱护你们。我不会再夸你们或告诉你们，你们有多聪明、帅气、漂亮、机灵或有趣。我不会再用任何方式增强你们那脆弱的、正在萌芽的自我意识了。

我离开家的这段时间里，我希望你们能玩一个游戏。游戏的名字叫“假装你们是我”，用比喻的方法说就是“穿上我的鞋子”。穿着我的鞋子走一会儿，做五分钟我做的那些事情，从我的角度去看，尽量去体会我的感受。谁到最后觉得疲惫、伤心、紧张、透支、不堪重负、被人剥削，谁就是这个游戏的获胜者！

爱你们的妈妈