It was Saturday again. Grace and Karen disliked Saturdays. That was another thing the twins had in common. They shared the same clothes and tied their hair in the same manner.In fact, it was hard for their classmates and teachers to tell the difference between them sometimes.
Unlike their classmates, they had to get up early at seven every Saturday to prepare for their lessons. Grace had to attend the art lesson and Karen had to attend her ballet(芭蕾)lesson.“How I wish I could do something different today,”said the twins with one voice.All at once, an idea came to Grace and Karen at the same time.“Would you like to be me for a day?”they asked each other. It seemed like a wonderful plan to them. After giving each other a description of their own friends, Grace put on Karen’s ballet dress while Karen put Grace’s brushes and paints into her bag.Then they left for their classes.
When the art lesson started, Karen was lost. Unlike Grace, Karen was poor at drawing.When the art lesson finally ended,Karen didn’t dare(敢)to hand in her work.
At the same time, Grace was struggling(挣扎)in the ballet class as well. As she had no idea about the dance steps,she had to follow her classmates blindly.As a result,she kept knocking into them. Their ballet teacher became impatient with her,“Karen, you should remember the basic steps.You can’t depend on copying what others are doing.”
When Karen and Grace got home, they were tired. They decided that they would never try to be someone else. It seemed that the grass was not always greener on the other side of the fence.
If you have the chance,would you like to be someone else for a day?Why or why not?
假设你是李华,你以前的同学杨林向你抱怨英语太难学了,他上次的英语考试又不及格。请你给他写封邮件,给他一些鼓励和建议。
原文呈现
Dear Yang Lin,
Sorry to hear that you failed in English exam again! Many students have the same problem.
首段语言过于简洁,未能表达出对杨林考试不及格的同情与理解,不能引起杨林的情感共鸣。
I’d like to share what I do to learn English well with you. Maybe you can try some of my ideas. It’s necessary to listen carefully in class. After class, I go over what I have learned in class as often as possible. If I have problems, I usually ask my teachers for help.
给出的建议部分句式结构较单一,缺乏必要的过渡和连贯,给出的建议不够具体,缺少针对性。
Keep trying, and make better progress in your English!
通过祈使句给予鼓励,力度稍有不足。
Yours truly,
Li Hua
升格展示
Dear Yang Lin,
I’m sorry to hear that you failed in English exam again and I can understand your feelings. Many students have the same problem, so you are not alone.Now I’m writing to give you some advice.
First, you should listen attentively in class and take notes. If you have any problem, turn to your teacher. Besides, a large vocabulary is a must, which can help you read more smoothly. Last but not least, I suggest you read some English stories for it can help develop your thinking.
As the saying goes,“Practice makes perfect.”I believe you can make progress in English as long as you put time and efforts into it.
Best wishes!
Yours sincere,
Li Hua
综合点评
本篇书面表达属于应用文,要求小作者给初中同学杨林写一封建议信,对他上次英语考试不及格表示理解,给出学习英语的建议并进行鼓励。升格后的作文第一段情感自然,过渡句合理。第二段是文章的主体部分, first, besides 以及last but not least 使建议层次分明,逻辑清晰,要点齐全。第三段结尾巧用谚语“Practice makes perfect.”以及as long as和make progress in 等进行鼓励,表达期待。总体来看,文章主题明确,结构紧凑,语句连贯,表达清晰。