母亲算账令父亲哭笑不得

By Clarence Day

美国著名作家克拉伦斯·戴（1874—1935）的《与父亲一起生活的日子》是一部叫人百读不厌的作品。作者细腻幽默的笔触总能精确地击中读者的笑点，他笔下的父亲老克拉伦斯·戴的生动形象深深地刻在读者的心里，耐人寻味，经久不衰。

这期选登一篇跟家庭经济学有关的故事。母亲不工作，手里没有现金，每个月她都张口向父亲要家用。母亲经常为一些她忘了买的东西垫付小笔开支，遇到资金周转不开时，就把本来要买的东西暂搁一下，以便把账目摆平。有一次父亲给母亲6美元买咖啡壶，后来父亲核账时，发现新买的陶瓷咖啡壶只需5美元，母亲的答复是：当时法式咖啡壶断货了，于是她从这6美元中挪了4.5美元给自己买了伞，又付给洗衣工托宾太太2美元，共支出6.5美元。她认为父亲还欠她0.5美元，再加上她省下了1美元，所以父亲一共欠她1.5美元。母亲的逻辑让父亲哭笑不得。而且母亲的耳朵根子非常软，总是禁不住推销商的花言巧语而买一些没必要的东西。这次她又买了什么呢？

Father said that one great mystery about the monthly household expenses was what made them jump up and down so. “Anyone would suppose that there would be some regularity after a while which would let a man try to make plans， but I never know from one month to another what to expect.”

Mother said she didnt， either. Things just seemed to go that way.

“But they have no business to go that way， Vinnie，” Father declared. “And whats more I wont allow it.”

Mother said she didnt see what she could do about it. All she knew was that when the bills mounted up， it didnt mean that she had been extravagant.

“Well， it certainly means that youve spent a devil of a lot of money，” said Father.

Mother looked at him obstinately（倔强地）. She couldnt exactly deny this， but she said that it wasnt fair.

Appearances were often hopelessly against Mother， but that never daunted her. She wasnt afraid of Father or anybody. She was a woman of great spirit who would have flown at and pecked（啄，回擊）any tyrant（暴君）. It was only when she had a bad conscience（良心不安）that she had no heart to fight. Father had the best of her there because he never had a bad conscience. And he didnt know that he was a tyrant. He regarded himself as a long-suffering man who asked little of anybody， and who showed only the greatest moderation in his encounters with unreasonable beings like Mother. Mothers one advantage over him was that she was quicker. She was particularly elusive（巧妙逃避的）when Father was trying to hammer her into shape.

When the household expenses shot up very high， Father got frightened. He would then， as Mother put it， yell his head off. He always did some yelling anyhow， merely on general principles， but when his alarm was genuine he roared in real anguish（苦恼）.

Usually this brought the total down again， at least for a while. But there were times when no amount of noise seemed to do any good， and when every month for one reason or another the total went on up and up. And then， just as Father had almost resigned himself to（放弃）this awful outgo（支出）， and just as he had eased up on his yelling and had begun to feel grim（严肃的）， the expenses， to his utter amazement， would take a sharp drop.

Mother didnt keep track of these totals， she was too busy watching small details， and Father never knew whether to tell her the good news or not. He always did tell her， because he couldnt keep things to himself. But he always had cause to regret it.

When he told her， he did it in as disciplinary（训诫的）a manner as possible. He didnt congratulate her on the expenses having come down. He appeared at her door， waving the bills at her with a threatening scow（l怒容）， and said， “Ive told you again and again that you could keep the expenses down if you tried， and this shows I was right.”

Mother was always startled at such attacks， but she didnt lose her presence of mind（冷静）. She asked how much less the amount was and said it was all due to her good management， of course， and Father ought to give her the difference.

At this point Father suddenly found himself on the defensive and the entire moral lecture that he had intended to deliver was wrecked. The more they talked， the clearer it seemed to Mother that he owed her that money. Only when he was lucky could he get out of her room without paying it.

He said that this was one of the things about her that was enough to drive a man mad.

The other thing was her lack of system， which was always cropping up in new ways. He sometimes looked at Mother as though he had never seen her before.“Upon my soul，” he said， “I almost believe you dont know what system is. You dont even want to know， either.”

He had at last invented what seemed a perfect method of recording expenses. Whenever he gave any money to Mother， he asked her what it was for and made a note of it in his pocket notebook. His idea was that these items， added to those in the itemized（逐項登记的）bills， would show him exactly where every dollar had gone.

But they didnt.

He consulted his notebook. “I gave you six dollars in cash on the twenty-fifth of last month，” he said， “to buy a new coffeepot.”

“Yes，” Mother said， “because you broke your old one. You threw it right on the floor.”

Father frowned. “Im not talking about that，” he answered. “I am simply endeavouring（尽力）to find out from you， if I can—”

“But its so silly to break a nice coffeepot， Clare， and that was the last of those French ones， and there was nothing the matter with the coffee that morning； it was made just the same as it always is.”

“It wasnt，” said Father. “It was made in a damned barbaric manner.”

“And I couldnt get another French one，” Mother continued， “because that little shop the Auffmordts told us about has stopped selling them. They said the tariff（關税）wouldnt let them any more， and I told Monsieur Duval he ought to be ashamed of himself to stand there and say so. I said that if I had a shop， Id like to see the tariff keep me from selling things.”

“But I gave you six dollars to buy a new pot，” Father firmly repeated， “and now I find that you apparently got one at Lewis & Congers and charged it. Heres their bill： ‘one brown earthenware（陶器）drip coffee-pot， five dollars.”

“So I saved you a dollar，” Mother triumphantly said，“and you can hand it right over to me.”

“Bah！ What nonsense you talk！” Father cried. “Is there no way to get this thing straightened out？ What did you do with the six dollars？”

“Why， Clare！ I cant tell you now， dear. Why didnt you ask at the time？”

“Oh， my God！” Father groaned.

“Wait a moment，” said Mother. “I spent four dollars and a half for that new umbrella I told you I wanted， and you said I didnt need a new one， but I did， very much.”

Father got out his pencil and wrote “New Umbrella for V.” in his notebook.

“And that must have been the week，” Mother went on，“that I paid Mrs. Tobin for two extra days washing， so that was two dollars more out of it， which makes it sixfifty. Theres another fifty cents that you owe me.”

“I dont owe you anything，” Father said. “You have managed to turn a coffee-pot for me into a new umbrella for you. No matter what I give you money for， you buy something else with it， and if this is to keep on， I might as well not keep account books at all.”

“Id like to see you run this house without having any money on hand for things，” Mother said.

“I am not made of money，” Father replied， “You seem to think I only have to put my hand in my pocket to get some.”

Mother not only thought this， she knew it. His wallet always was full. That was the provoking（激怒的）part of it—she knew he had the money right there， but he tried to keep from giving it to her. She had to argue it out of him.

“Well， you can put your hand in your pocket and give me that dollar-fifty this minute，” she said. “You owe me that， anyhow.”

Father said he didnt have a dollar-fifty to spare and tried to get back to his desk， but Mother wouldnt let him go till he paid her. She said she wouldnt put up with injustice.

Mother said it hampered（妨碍）her dreadfully never to have any cash. She was always having to pay out small amounts for demands that she had forgot to provide for， and in such emergencies the only way to do was to juggle things around（玩杂耍，这里指把钱挪用来挪用去）. One result， however， of all these more or less innocent shifts was that in this way she usually took care of all her follies（蠢事）herself. All the small ones， at any rate. They never got entered on Fathers books， except when they were monstrous（巨大的）.

She came home one late afternoon in a terrible state.“Has it come yet？” she asked the waitress.

The waitress said nothing had come that she knew of.

Mother ran upstairs with a hunted expression（焦慮又惊恐的表情）and flung herself down on her bed. When we looked in， she was sobbing.

It turned out that she had gone to an auction（拍卖）， and she had become so excited that she had bought but not paid for a grandfathers clock.

Mother knew in her heart that she had no business going to auctions. She was too suggestible（耳根软的，易受影响的）， and if an hypnotic（催眠的）auctioneer（拍卖商）once got her eye， she was lost. Besides， an auction aroused all her worst instincts—her combativeness（斗志）， her recklessness（鲁莽）， and her avaricious（贪婪的）love of a bargain. And the worst of it was that this time it wasnt a bargain at all. At least she didnt think it was now. The awful old thing was about eight feet tall， and it wasnt the one she had wanted. It wasnt half as nice as the clock that old Miss Van Derwent had bought. And inside the hood over the dial， she said， there was a little ship which at first she hadnt noticed， a horrid ship that rocked up and down every time the clock ticked. It made her ill just to look at it. And she didnt have the money， and the man said hed have to send it this evening， and what would Father say？

She came down to dinner， and left half-way through. Couldnt stand it. But an hour or two later， when the doorbell rang， she bravely went to tell Father.

She could hardly believe it， but she found that luck was with her， for once. If the clock had come earlier， there might have been a major catastrophe（灾难）， but Father was in a good mood and he had had a good dinner. And though he never admitted it or spoke of it， he had a weakness（偏爱，嗜好）for clocks. There were clocks all over the house， which he would allow no one to wind（上发条）but himself. Every Sunday between breakfast and church he made the rounds， setting them at the right time by his infallible（绝无错误的）watch， regulating their speed， and telling us about every clocks little idiosyncrasies（特点）. When he happened to be coming downstairs on the hour， he cocked his ear， watch in hand， to listen to as many of them as he could， in the hope that they would all strike at once. He would reprove（责备）the impulsive pink clock in the spare room for striking too soon， and the big solemn clock in the dining-room for being a minute too late.

So when Mother led him out in the hall to confess to him and show him what she had bought， and he saw it was a clock， he fell in love with it， and made almost no fuss at all.

The let-down was too much for Mother. She tottered off（蹒跚地走）to her room without another word and went straight to bed， leaving Father and the auctioneers man setting up the new clock alongside the hat-rack. Father was especially fascinated by the hard-rocking ship.