雅思习作评改系列（8）：恰当的举例可为作文增色

为了论证段落中的主要观点，我们可以采用多种多样的方法，比如对比法、因果法、引用法等，在雅思写作中，这些方法都可以采用，但本期老雅想给大家介绍一个更为常用的方法，即举例法。顾名思义，举例法就是举出恰当的例子来证明自己的观点。那么，在雅思写作中应该举什么样的例子呢？老雅认为，只要是能证明观点的例子都是合适的，包括名人经历、文学作品人物、烤鸭自己的亲身经历，都可以作为例证。很多同学在写作文的时候，喜欢板着脸讲道理，这样的文章了无生趣，枯燥无味，而恰当的例证则可以瞬间点亮文字，给作文增光添彩。本期老雅给大家修改一篇学生习作，大家可以看看老雅是如何为它增加例证，让作文生动起来的。

题目

Do you think it is important for people to want success in life？ Is ambition a positive or negative characteristic？

学生习作

The desire for success keeps one motivated to work hard， which is important to both individuals and society， but the scale of its significance remains a question. Basically， I think ambition is a positive trait， only we need to keep a balanced mentality towards it.

Everyone needs to be respected and longs for admiration deep down. Given that success is the most direct way to win others’ favour and approval， it is safe to say that for people to want success derives from their human nature. Typically， the more competent a person is， the more ambitious the person inclines to be. Anyway， to reach one’s potential is not only natural but also encouraged by the whole society for its driving force to the betterment of mankind. To state the obvious， we should not know what a plane is if there had not been this someone who was so ambitious as to want to fly and perhaps no America on our map if the ambitious Columbus never showed up.

However， ambition can also be a burden to people， bearing in mind what is promised by success： more money and higher social status. In a society that judges the personal status of the individual so much by their material worth and social power， it is therefore easy for many to be enslaved by their desire for money or power. So， if one’s ambition comes merely from such longings rather than reaching one’s potential， he/she could not be really happy in the long-term.

Indeed， success is important， but more important is life itself. We try our best to achieve what is required by our hearts and live a full and varied life， and that is all; no matter whether we are successful in others’ eyes.

評分：6.5

总评：本题问期待成功是好还是坏。事实上，我们一般会说，当然是好，因为正是这种雄心壮志才能推动这个世界前进;但过分的雄心壮志，尤其是那些为个人目的的雄心壮志，可能会毁灭个人，甚至毁灭世界。因此，我们应该区分什么样的雄心壮志，并将其控制在有利于社会发展的范畴内。学生习作语言质量相当不错（有个别小错），逻辑也基本通顺（有个别模糊的地方），但总体给人的感觉比较生硬，似是而非的论证多，实际而有力的举例比较少。所以，习作看起来好像不错，但读起来欠缺英语的亲切感。

逐句修改

第1段：The desire for success keeps one motivated to work hard， which is important to both individuals and society， but the scale of its significance remains a question. Basically， I think ambition is a positive trait， only we need to keep a balanced mentality towards it.

【老雅修改】The desire for success keeps one motivated to work hard， which is important to both individuals and the society as a whole， but the scale of its significance remains a question. Basically， I think ambition is a positive trait， only we need to keep a balanced attitude towards it.

【老雅点评】本段引出话题，点明自己观点，预示文章整体结构。写得比较成功。老雅仅做了个别调整。

第2段：Everyone needs to be respected and longs for admiration deep down（1）. Given that success is the most direct way to win others’ favour and approval， it is safe to say（2） that for people to want success derives from their human nature. Typically， the more competent a person is， the more ambitious the person inclines to be（3）. Anyway， to reach one’s potential is not only natural but also encouraged by the whole society for its driving force to the betterment of mankind. To state the obvious（4）， we should not know what a plane is if there had not been this someone who was so ambitious as to want to fly and perhaps no America on our map if the ambitious Columbus never showed up（5）.

【老雅修改】Everyone has a deep-ingrained need to be respected and admired. Given that success is the most direct and sure way to win others’ favour and approval， it is rather safe to say that people’s desire for success is derived from their human nature. To reach one’s potential is not only natural but also encouraged by the whole society for it is the driving force for the betterment of mankind. To cite two well-known examples. We should not know what a plane is if there had not been this someone who was so ambitious as to want to fly， nor would there be an America on our map if the ambitious Columbus had never shown up.

【老雅點评】本段论述ambition的好处所在。首先说ambition是人的天性，然后指出ambition对社会的作用，最后举例证明。整个结构比较清楚。几处修改：（1）Everyone needs to be respected and longs for admiration deep down. 这句语法没有错，但一个被动句和一个主动句放在一起，增加了读者的处理难度，而且deep down用来表达“内心深处”在这里显得过于口语化。整句修改为：Everyone has a deep-ingrained need to be respected and admired. （2）“... it is safe to say... ”显得过于绝对化，增加rather、perhaps这样的程度副词，可以弱化一下语气。（3）Typically， the more competent a person is， the more ambitious the person inclines to be. 本句放置的位置破坏了行文前后的连贯性。前文讲ambition是人类天性，后文说ambition不仅是人类天性，还是社会动力，而本句讲一个人越能干，就越ambitious，好像前后不搭。所以老雅将本句直接删去。（4） to state the obvious，这个短语过于庄重，不适合出现在雅思作文中。改为to cite two well-known examples。（5）… perhaps no America on our map if the ambitious Columbus never showed up. 本句缺主语，后面的虚拟语气形式不太准确。值得肯定的是，习作在论证中使用了一些举例，从而让作文带有一定的个性化特色。雅思作文中，不要全板着脸讲道理，适当举例（尤其是个人生活中的例子）可让作文更加生动活泼。比如以下两段雅思考官高分范文：

例1：Some people spend large sums of money without thinking about it. However， they could manage with less money and have a better life by taking a job they enjoy or by working fewer hours. I have observed that in families who go on expensive holidays and always have a new car， it is often the father who works such long hours that his children rarely see him. In my opinion that is not an attractive lifestyle and it would be better if he found a less well-paid job that enabled him to spend more time at home.

本段意圖证明挣钱多不见得是好事，完全不讲大道理，也没有堆砌大词汇，而是用举例法。这样包含细节的例子和亲切通顺的语言（... who go on expensive holidays and always have a new car...）非常具有个性，而不是千篇一律、让人生厌的大道理。

例2：Some students use websites which offer ready-made assignments. This is not a good idea， even if you ignore the fact that it is cheating， because such websites may contain factual errors or biased views. In a recent case， a student found herself in serious trouble when she submitted an essay from one of these sites only to discover that it was about Austria， not Australia， but had an error in the title.

本段意在论证网络上的信息有可能不准确。同样不讲大道理，而是用身边的例子搞定：这个例子来自生活，非常具体（Austria， not Australia...），而且非常得当，充分证明了网络信息的不可靠性。

第3段：However， ambition can also be a burden to people， bearing in mind what is promised by success： more money and higher social status. In a society that judges the personal status of the individual so much by their material worth and social power， it is therefore easy for many to be enslaved by their desire for money or power. So， if one’s ambition comes merely from such longings rather than reaching one’s potential， he/she could not be really happy in the long-term.

【老雅修改】However， ambition can also be a burden to people， if they care too much about what is promised by success： more money and higher social status. In a society that judges individuals by their material success and social power， it is way too easy for many to be enslaved by their desire for money and power. Such people could never be really happy because their ambition leads to these unwanted longings rather than reaching their potentials. I have seen many such “ambitious” fathers who find no time to stay together with their children in their pursuit of big houses and expensive cars.

【老雅点评】本段论证ambition可能带来的问题。原文有一定逻辑性，但问题同样存在：讲道理太多，实际例子不够，所以虽然语言功底看似不错，但写出来的内容没有吸引力。老雅在段末增加了一个例子，让作文显得更加温情一些。

第4段：Indeed， success is important， but more important is life itself. We try our best to achieve what is required by our hearts and live a full and varied life， and that is all; no matter whether we are successful in others’ eyes.

【老雅修改】Indeed， success is important， but more important is life itself. Therefore， we should look at ambition as something that helps us to achieve a full and varied life. If this happens， whether we are successful or not does not really matter.

【老雅点评】此为结论段，但令人奇怪的是，却没有出现全文的关键词ambition。修改文从第一句中的life入手，提出它与ambition的关联，然后以自己的观点结束全文。

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