How Do I Stop Being Lonely? Here’s the Google’s Answer怎样才能不孤独？谷歌的答案

凯特·利弗

Loneliness is a stealthy bastard. It can settle in on your soul without you even noticing， until the texture of the words appears on your tongue one day： “I’m lonely.” It’s a hollow melancholy that wraps itself around your heart and stays there， whispering fear of social rejection1 in your ear and growing stronger， feeding on your insecurities.

As much as we may like to think it is a symptom of old age， it can touch anyone from any age or demographic2.

Loneliness ravages our immune system， leaves us more vulnerable to cancer， affects our heart health， lowers our pain threshold， raises our blood pressure， tightens our arteries and puts us at greater risk of dementia3. It is， as I said， a real bastard.

And so， how do you stop being lonely？

The very first thing is to identify it. Naming the feeling， saying the words “I’m lonely” out loud， and preferably in the presence of a trusted human being， strips that malevolent4 emotion of some of its power. Loneliness relies on mystery to survive; it needs to nestle into your psyche undetected in order to make you feel your emptiest.

Loneliness is at its most potent when you mistake it for something else—for depression， for heartache， for garden variety5 sadness. When you find the courage to admit that you are lonely， you claim a little control back for yourself. Shame clings to loneliness like a pernicious6 little pilot fish7， so it’s best to vanquish it as quickly as possible. It is not shameful to be lonely—it is human and it is natural and it is salvageable.

Next， you must truly understand it. Loneliness is not necessarily the same thing as social isolation8. Perhaps the cruellest thing about loneliness is that it can exist in the company of others. You can feel lonely in a relationship， lonely at a party， lonely in the middle of a wedding with 200 guests. For my book on this very topic， The Friendship Cure， strangers generously shared their experiences of loneliness with me， and it was astonishing how often it affected healthy， sociable people with plenty of friends.

Perhaps my favourite description was from a woman called Amy， who said that loneliness is like being at a silent disco—a party where guests dance to music they’re listening to through headphones—but she’s the only person in the seething， sweaty crowd who can’t hear it. A man called Dave said he feels the sting of loneliness on his commute every day， somewhere in the space between work Dave and home Dave.

Between them， Amy and Dave have captured what loneliness is： it is the fear of being alone， more than the act of being alone. It is that frightening gap between our multiple identities， when we press pause on the persona we present to the world and actually have to confront who we may be as people. It is the chasm9 between our expectations of life and the reality. The feeling that there is something missing.

And so， in order to truly tame it， you must find out what is missing. Loneliness often thrives on a feeling of inadequacy， or self-doubt， or trauma. Group or individual therapy may help to work out what is bothering you. As a minimum， some earnest introspection is required. What could be the cause of your loneliness， especially if you are not physically alone or unable to leave the house？ And if you are emotionally captive in your own home， what is stopping you from leaving？ Cognitive behavioural therapy10 may help， or simply a game of netball at the local sports club.

Finally， you must push yourself to reconnect with people in order to bid it goodbye. Studies by Professors John and Stephanie Cacioppo suggest that loneliness makes us grouchier11， more defensive， less open to socialising and more likely to push away the very people who could keep us company through an existential crisis12 （or at the very least get brunch）.

And so， you must urgently find the courage to get out and interact with other human beings in a meaningful way. You must start by putting yourself literally in the presence of other human beings. That could begin with a message， a coffee date， a walk in the park， a Sunday roast at the pub. But—this is important—be strategic about your friendships and do an audit13 of the people in your life.

You could be lonely because you’re catching up with14 people who do not lift you up， nourish you， make your life lighter. The very best cure for loneliness is genuine， loyal， fierce， loving friendship—the kind that makes you feel complete， the kind that makes you feel sentimentally satiated15. If you do not have these friends in your life already， you must seek them out. That is hard， but who ever said fighting loneliness was easy？

And then， you have one final task. Loneliness is a deeply private affliction， you see， but it’s also a modern public health crisis. To eradicate loneliness altogether we must launch an aggressive campaign of kindness towards other people. We must find a way to care and be cared for， to overhaul the way we interact as a species， to value friendship in a way we have forgotten. Only then， will we be able to stop the bastard.

孤独是个鬼鬼祟祟的混蛋。它能在你毫无察觉时潜伏于你的灵魂，直到有一天你尝到“我很孤独”这几字划过舌尖的滋味。它是一片虚无的愁云惨雾，笼罩着你的内心久久不散，一边在你耳边低语着对社会排斥的恐惧，一边以你的惶恐不安为食而日渐壮大。

我们可能都认为这是一个与老龄挂钩的症状，但它却能找上任何年龄或群体的任何人。

孤独损害免疫系统，削弱肿瘤防御，影响心脏健康，降低疼痛阈，升高血压，绷紧动脉，增加罹患痴呆的风险。正如我所说，它，是个十足的混蛋。

既然如此，怎样才能不孤独？

你要做的第一件事是发现它。给这种感觉定名，大声喊出“我很孤独”这几个字，其时身边最好有一个你信任的人陪伴，以此削弱那种恶意的情绪。孤独依赖秘密存活，它需要不被发觉地缩匿于你的灵魂，使你感受自己最空虚的一面。

当你把孤独错认为其他东西，比如抑郁、心痛或者普通的伤心时，也正是它最为强大的时候。当你寻得勇气承认自身的孤独时，你才为自己夺回了一点儿控制权。羞耻就如一尾依附于孤独的恶毒引水鱼，最好尽快击溃它。孤独并不羞耻——它符合人性，顺从自然，足可挽救。

下一步，你必须真正理解它。孤独未必等同于社会隔绝。或许关于孤独最残酷的一点在于，他人的陪伴也不能将其抹除。你可能在恋爱中感到孤独，在派对上感到孤独，在有着200位宾客的婚礼中感到孤独。我的书《友情灵药》就是关于这个话题的，在创作过程中，很多陌生人慷慨地与我分享了他们的孤独经历，令人震惊的是，孤独竟经常影响那些健康、好交际、朋友成群的人。

或许其中我最喜欢的一段描述来自一位叫艾米的女性，她说孤独有如身处一个寂静的迪斯科舞厅，聚会上的客人全都伴着耳机播放的音乐起舞，而她是唯一一个身处沸腾而汗湿的人群中却听不见音乐的人。一位叫戴夫的男性说，他每天上下班途中都能感到来自孤独的蜇刺，那时他恰处于“职场戴夫”与“居家戴夫”之间的某一点。

综合他们两人的感受，艾米和戴夫已经抓住了孤独的本质：比起独处本身，孤独更多的是对独处这一行为的恐惧。它是我们多重身份之间骇人的差别——当我们暂停展示呈现在世人面前的个人形象，不得不直面作为人的真实自我;它是我们对生活的期望与现实之间的鸿沟;它是那种缺少了什么东西的感觉。

因此，为了真正驯服孤独，你必须找到缺少的是什么。孤独经常在缺乏自信、自我怀疑或者精神创伤时旺盛生长。群体或个体心理治疗或可帮助找出是什么在困扰你。至少，你需要一些真诚的内省：尤其当你并非真正一个人独处，或并非无法离家的时候，你孤独的原因可能是什么？还有，假如你在情感上将自我禁锢家中，是什么阻止你离开？认知行为疗法或可帮到你，或者就在当地体育俱乐部打一场无挡板篮球。

最后，为了告别孤独，你必须强迫自己重新与人联系。约翰·卡乔波与斯蒂芬妮·卡乔波两位教授的研究指出，孤独使我们更爱抱怨、更重戒备，社交时更难敞开心扉，也更有可能推开能陪伴我们度过某个存在危机的人（或者至少是能陪我们吃早午餐的那个人）。

因此，你必须赶快找到勇气摆脱并与他人进行有意义的互动。开始时，你必须让自己真正建立起与他人的联系。这可以从一条信息、一次咖啡约会、一段公园散步或周日的一顿酒吧烧烤做起。但有一点很重要——对友谊要抱着审慎的态度，好好审视你周围的人。

你之所以感到孤独，有可能因为遇上的人并没有提升你、滋养你或者使你的生活更轻松。对抗孤独最好的药就是诚恳、忠贞、强烈而充满爱的友谊——那种使你感到生活完满、情感得到满足的友谊。假如现在你的生活里还没有这样的朋友，你必须去寻找他们。那很难，但谁又说过对抗孤独是件易事呢？

然后，你还有最后一个任务。要知道，孤独是一种极度私密的痛苦，但它同样是现代社会的公共健康危机。要把孤独彻底铲除，必须大力发起一場善待他人的行动。必须找到一种方法送出关怀与接受关怀，彻底改变我们作为一个物种的沟通方式，以一种早已遗忘的方式来珍视友谊。唯有如此，我们才能阻止孤独这个混蛋。

（译者为“《英语世界》杯”翻译大赛获奖选手）