青少年、自恋以及“被误解的”自信

By+Lea+Waters

Psychological science is full of interesting topics， many of which align1 to tell a coherent picture of human nature， but some of which create seemingly contradictory stories. A case in point is the thorny2， and misunderstood， intersection between strength-based science and the research on narcissism.

There is now convincing evidence to show that narcissism is on the rise， especially in our youth. Some researchers have gone so far as to say that it is occurring in epidemic proportions， with about 25% of young people showing symptoms of narcissism. The inflated ego of Generation Me is reflected in reality TV， celebrity worship， out-of-control consumerism， voyeurism， materialism…perhaps even a new breed of president.3

We are correct to be concerned about this phenomenon but our fear that all kids are budding4 narcissists has caused an unhelpful counter-reaction to approaches that seek to make our children and teens feel good about themselves.

In my own research on strength-based parenting it is common for people to wrongly label this approach as a recipe for self-entitlement. Their argument seems to be that a child who knows their strengths will automatically view themselves as better than everyone else. It is argued that the self-assurance that comes with identifying and using their positive qualities will make a child arrogant， selfish and uncaring. Genuine confidence about ones strengths is categorised as over-confidence； desirable self-knowledge is branded as excessive self-admiration.

Why does this occur？ Its partly because more is known about narcissism than strengths. While strengths psychology has largely stayed within the confines of academic journals or has been applied only within certain contexts such as the workplace， research on narcissism has made its way into the mass media and into our collective conscious. The New York Times noted that narcissism is a favoured “go-to”5 topic and that people everywhere are diagnosing others with it.

The fear that a strength-based approach will cause narcissism also occurs because we unwittingly fall prey to binary thinking.6 We mistakenly believe that one cannot be both confident and humble. We focus on Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian rather than Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa.7 Theres no way that Gandhi and Mother Teresa could have achieved what they did without confidence in their strengths， and yet they are both pillars of humility and selflessness.

When we assume that strength-focus is the same as a selffocus， we fail to entertain the idea that people who know their strengths are， actually， more likely to be pro-social and focus on helping others.8endprint

Its tempting to conclude that every young person is at risk of becoming a narcissist but Id like to stand up for the thousands of young kids I have worked with who are caring， thoughtful and humble—even when they use their strengths.

Prof Jean Twenge from San Diego State University， an expert on narcissism， points out that narcissism is distinct from the concept of self-esteem. Being a strength-based parent is not about indulging your child in grandiosity9， its about connecting to them to what is really inside of them， their inherent talents and qualities.

Nor is strength-based parenting about ignoring a childs weaknesses or problem behaviour. Indeed， the solid self-identity that comes through strengthbased parenting gives children the sturdy foundation needed to acknowledge and address their weak spots because they know that their parent is seeing their strengths.

In other words， their strengths are not overly inflated and their weaknesses are not ignored—this is pretty much the opposite of narcissism.

At its core， strength-based parenting helps kids develop self-awareness—a key psychological building block for a happy life. Self-awareness，“knowing who they are”， allows your child to make better decisions about their interests， friendships， school subject choices， career and so on—real choices that suit their personality， skills and talents， not grandiose choices based on a false， over-inflated sense of self.

Finally， contrary to what some people argue， theres little risk of strength-based parent creating a selfinvolved child who thinks they are the only special one in the world. If anything， strength-based parents drive home the point that our strengths make us unique， but they dont make us special—because everyone has strengths.

Theres actually nothing special about having strengths. What is special is how we learn to use them in ways that are good for us and for others. That is how strength-based parents help kids achieve.

We cannot ignore the alarming10 trend of rising narcissism—its constantly in our face—but we are wrong to think we should not build confidence in our kids.

In truth， our best bet to overturn this trend of narcissism is to raise a generation of kind， selfconfident， humble kids. Kids who know their strengths and know how to use them to create a better future for society.endprint

心理科学充满了有趣的话题，其中有许多连贯一致将人类天性勾画出来，但也有一些则似乎自相矛盾。其中一例就是基于优点的心理科学与自恋研究的交叉部分，十分棘手而且存在误解。

如今有令人信服的证据表明自恋问题正在抬头，尤其是在年轻人当中。有些研究人员甚至声称自恋正在以流行病的态势蔓延，大约有25%的年轻人表现出自恋的症状。“唯我独尊的一代”那膨胀的自我反映在电视真人秀、名人崇拜、失控的消费主义、偷窥心理、物质享乐主义……或许甚至在新一任总统身上。

我们对这一现象表示担忧并没有错，但如果我们担心所有的孩子都是萌芽中的自恋症患者则会适得其反，使得那些试图让孩子们和青少年自我感觉变好的方法失效。

在我自己基于优点的育儿研究中，人们普遍错误地给这种方法贴上“自恋良方”的标签。他们的论据似乎就是孩子一旦了解自身的长处就会自动地认为自己高人一等。人们认为通过发掘、发挥自身长处获得的自信会让孩子变得傲慢无礼、自私自利、冷漠无情。在看待自我优点上，真正的自信被当做自负；适当的自我了解被当做过度自恋。

为什么会这样？部分原因是因为人们对自恋的了解要比对优点的多。优点心理学很大程度上仍然仅见诸于学术期刊或者只在有限的场景（比如职场）中运用，而自恋研究则已走进了大众媒体并且走进了我们的集体意识。《纽约时报》指出，自恋是一个人们喜爱随口谈起的话题，而且不管在哪里人们都在为其他人下“自恋”的诊断书。

人们之所以担心基于优点的方法会造成自恋也是因为我们不自觉地陷入了二元对立的思维模式。我们错误地认为人不能同时自信与谦卑。我们关注唐纳德·特朗普和金·卡戴珊而非圣雄甘地和特蕾莎修女。但如果圣雄甘地和特蕾莎修女对自己的优点毫无自信的话，他们不可能取得如此的成就，然而他們二位都是谦卑与无私的典范。

当我们假设关注优点等同于关注自我，我们就不能接受这一看法：了解自身长处的人事实上更可能是亲社会的，并且注重帮助他人。

人们很容易得出结论：所有年轻人都有自恋的风险，但我愿意为与我共事过的成千上万体贴、周到、谦逊的孩子们说话，甚至是在他们发挥自身优点时。

圣地亚哥州立大学的让·特温格教授是一名研究自恋问题的专家，她指出自恋与自尊的概念有所不同。成为基于优点的父母并不意味着要纵容孩子狂妄自大，而是将他们同自身内在真正已有的优点联结起来，同他们与生俱来的才能与品质联结起来。

基于优点的育儿也不意味着忽视孩子的弱点或者问题行为。确切来说，通过基于优点的育儿构建的稳固的自我身份给了孩子承认、改进自身缺点的坚实基础，因为他们知道父母看到了自己的优点。

换句话说，他们的优点没有被过分夸大，而他们的缺点也没有被忽视——这可以说与自恋恰恰相反。

就其核心而言，基于优点的育儿帮助孩子培养自我意识——获得幸福生活的关键心理基石。自我意识，即“了解自己是谁”，让孩子在兴趣、友谊、课程选择、事业等方面做出更好的选择——真正适合自身个性、技能与天赋的选择，而非基于虚假、膨胀的自我意识之上的不切实际的选择。

最后，与一些人所认为的相反，基于优点的父母不太可能会培养出认为自己天下无双的自恋的孩子。总而言之，基于优点的父母让孩子明白我们的优点让我们独特但并没有使我们变得特别——因为人人都有优点。

拥有优点并没什么特别。特别的是我们如何学会以利己利人的方式运用优点。这就是基于优点的父母是如何帮助孩子获得成功的。

我们不能忽视自恋问题令人担忧的蔓延趋势——这一问题始终挥之不去——但我们认为我们不应培养孩子的自信，这是错误的。

事实上，我们逆转自恋蔓延趋势的最好办法就是培养出一代善良、自信、谦卑的孩子。他们了解自身的优点并且懂得如何运用优点为社会创造更美好的未来。

1. align： 使成为一线，协调。

2. thorny： 棘手的。

3. consumerism： 消费主义，是指人们一种毫无顾忌、毫无节制的消耗物质财富和自然资源，并把消费看成是人生最高目的的消费观和价值观；voyeurism： //偷窥癖；materialism： 实利主义，物质主义（认为钱财比宗教、道德、艺术等更重要的信仰）。

4. budding： 初露头角的。

5. go-to： 不加思考而最常使用的。

6. unwittingly： 不知不觉地；fall prey to： 深受……之害；binary：二元的。

7. Kim Kardashian： 金·卡戴珊，美国娱乐界名媛；Mahatma Gandhi： 圣雄甘地（1869—1948），印度民族解放运动领导人、印度国父；Mother Teresa： 特蕾莎修女（1910—1997），世界著名的天主教慈善工作者，一生致力于消除贫困，1979年获诺贝尔和平奖。

8. entertain： 心存，怀着；pro-social： 亲社会的，有利于社会的。

9. grandiosity： // [心理学] 夸大。下文的grandiose意为“浮夸的，不切实际的”。

10. alarming： 使人惊慌的。endprint