我的文学人物生涯

by Simon Kuper 译/葛千华

我是个低调的人，既不追名也不逐利。虽然我写过几本书，接受过电视台的采访，拥有一群数目不太惊人的微博“粉丝”，甚至还曾成为文学作品中的人物，但我始终保持淡定的心态。不过，当我成为妻子书中的主人公，而且这本书还因我的精彩“戏份”而一路畅销时，我平静的内心开始起了波澜……

After the publishers read the manuscript of my wifes book， they had one request： “Expand the husband character. Hes hilarious2）.” My wife was surprised but she complied， and as a result her French Children Dont Throw Food3） became a bestseller in the UK and is now bopping an unsuspecting American public over the head as Bringing Up Bébé. Many reviewers have described it as a guide to French parenting. In fact， its something more interesting than that： its a portrait of me.

I had been immortalised in literature before—Paddy Agnew4） sets up his book on Italian football with a pompous5） remark by me， which he then rebuts6） at great length7）—but only now have I joined the select group of people who are better known as literary characters. I will forever be bracketed8） with the minor 19th-century critic Leigh Hunt， who is remembered only as the model for the ridiculous Skimpole in Dickenss Bleak House9）.

This is a more common fate than you might think. I was once contacted by an economist who introduced himself as the model for a character in a Zadie Smith10） novel. Based on the couple of novelists I know， I have developed a theory of the novel that says that writers just write down what happened to them， and sometimes change somebodys name. But now that I have been turned into a major literary character myself， I dont want to be one. My wifes portrayal of me may be factually correct， but facts cannot capture such a subtle and complex figure. The “Simon” in the book lacks the appeal of the actual me.

“As far as I can tell，” she writes， “Simon has never visited a museum … Since the boys were born， Simons incompetence is less charming. I no longer find it adorably mystifying11） when he breaks the second hands on all his watches … He cant drive a car， blow up a balloon or fold clothes without using his teeth … Hed be hard-pressed12） to know which end of a sleeping bag to crawl into. In the wild hed survive about fifteen minutes [etcetera].”

I can see that all this is mildly amusing， and true at a crudely factual level， but I am sure my friends do not think of me in these terms. Indeed， they speak of me in tones of admiration.

And when she writes， “He almost never actually laughs， even when Im attempting a joke，” I must object. In fact， while reading my bons mots13） in her book I laughed out loud several times. I pointed out to her afterwards that on the evidence of her own work she was married to a very funny man. She replied that if a writer spends 10 years collecting one persons jokes， shes likely to end up with eight decent ones.

In truth， close reading of French Children Dont Throw Food does reveal my gift for laughing with others. Heres my wifes account of a discussion between me and our daughter Bean （not her real name， or not precisely）：

“When you were born， I thought you were a monkey，” he tells Bean playfully one morning.

“Well， when you were born， I thought you were a caca，” she replies. Simon laughs so hard at this； hes practically in tears. It seems Ive just never hit on his preferred category of humour： scatological14） surrealism.

Or as experts call it： “English surrealism.” Its true： from the start I have raised my daughter to be the rightful heir of the late British comedian Peter Cook15）.

There is one thing I will say for my wifes book. On Monday it will be exactly 10 years since I came to France， and I still havent begun to understand this baffling country. Reading French Children Dont Throw Food， I discovered to my dismay that my wife does. When I used to take French language classes here， the teachers always assured the class that the best way to integrate in France was to join the “école horizontale，” i.e. to shack up with16） a French person， preferably a language teacher. In Britain， the preferred method of integration is to set immigrants tests with questions such as， “What is the national day of Wales？” It now turns out that there is a better way： write a book about the adopted country. Here is the solution to the integration issue.

Other readers seem to find my wifes book useful， and the main character hilarious. The book now ranks higher on Amazon than any of mine ever have， even though I check my rankings hourly. No doubt all this is creditable to my wife， although on the other hand I now have 2，673 followers on Twitter， and was once interviewed on the main channel of Finnish TV. In any case， the greatest books are often the least popular in the writers own lifetime.

I have no need of the spotlight. I have given instructions in my will that my emails should be burned， and no biography attempted.

出版社读完我妻子的书的原稿后，提了一个要求：“让‘丈夫这个角色更丰满些，他太有意思了。”我妻子颇感意外，但还是照办了，于是她的新书《法国小孩不乱丢食物》在英国一路畅销，现在又改头换面为《抚养法国宝宝》，给了毫不知情的美国公众当头一棒。不少书评人把这本书说成是法式育儿指南，实际上这本书可比育儿指南有趣多了：它描写的就是我。

在这以前，我就已经在文学作品中英名永存了：帕迪·阿格纽以我的一番自大言辞开场，而后用洋洋洒洒的篇幅对之加以驳斥，写就了一本关于意大利足球的书。可直到如今，我妻子这本书出版，我才算跻身精英群体——此群体更为人熟知的名字叫文学人物。从今以后，我将永远被归为利·亨特的同类，他是19世纪一位名不见经传的批评家，人们记得他仅仅因为他是狄更斯所著《荒凉山庄》中那个滑稽的斯金波先生的原型。

这样的命运比你想象中常见。有位经济学家在联络我时就曾自我介绍说，他是扎迪·史密斯的一部小说中某个人物的原型。根据我认识的两三个小说家的情况，我总结出写小说的一个原理，那就是作家写的只是发生在自己身上的事情，有时会改掉某人的名字。但既然现在我自己也摇身一变成为一位重要的文学人物，我就不愿沦为其中的一员了。我妻子对我的描述在事实层面上可能站得住脚，但光凭事实难以把握我如此微妙和复杂的人格，书中的“西蒙”也缺乏现实中的我所具有的魅力。

她写道：“就我所知，西蒙从未光顾过博物馆……自从男孩子们出生，西蒙生活能力低下这一点就不再那么有魅力了。在他弄坏他所有手表的秒针时，我也不再觉得这种行为让人困惑同时又非常可爱了……他开不了车，吹不了气球，不用牙咬住就叠不了衣服……他得费好大力气才能弄明白睡袋要从哪一头钻进去。他在野外也就能存活大约十五分钟[等等]。”

我知道，所有这些多多少少会让人觉得好笑，在基本的事实层面上也能成立。但是我敢肯定，我的朋友们不是从这些角度看待我的。实际上，他们谈到我时都是崇拜的口气。

她还写道：“他几乎从来没有真正笑过，甚至在我尝试讲笑话时他都不笑。”对这一点我必须提出异议。实际上，在她书中读到我的珠玑妙语时，我有好几次放声大笑。之后我向她指出，她在自己书中列举的证据表明，她嫁给了一个非常有趣的男人。她回答说，如果一个作家花上十年来收集某人的笑料，她可能最终只能收集到八个靠谱的笑话。

说实话，你要是细细地读《法国小孩不乱丢食物》，就会发现我有与人同乐的天分。这是妻子笔下我和我们的女儿豆豆（不是真名，或者说不完全是真名）之间的谈话：

一天早晨，他开玩笑地对豆豆说：“你生下来时，我还以为是只猴子。”

“哼，你生下来时，我还以为是坨便便。”豆豆回答说。这次西蒙笑翻了，实际上把眼泪都笑出来了。看来我以前只是没有击中过他最爱的笑点：屎尿屁超现实主义。

这或者像专家们说的那样——“英格兰超现实主义”。真是这样，我从一开始就是把女儿当成已故英国笑星彼得·库克的继承者来培养的。

关于我妻子的书，我还想说一点。到本周一为止，我到法国就整整十年了。时至今日，我仍未开始理解这个令人困惑的国家。在读《法国小孩不乱丢食物》时，我郁闷地发现，我妻子已经理解法国了。以前在这里上法语课时，老师总是让班上的同学相信，要融入法国，最好的方法是参加“横向学校”，也就是找个法国人同居，最好是教语言的老师。而英国更青睐的促进移民融入的方法是让他们参加考试，回答诸如“威尔士的国庆日是哪一天？”之类的问题。现在我发现，原来还有更好的办法：写一本关于移居国的书。这就是移民融合问题的解决之道。

有些读者似乎觉得我妻子的书让人颇为受益，而且书中的主角让人乐不可支。这本书在亚马逊上的排名比我写过的任意一本书都要高——即使我每个小时都会查一次我的排名。毫无疑问，这说明我的妻子成绩斐然，虽然从我这方面来说，我现在在微博上有2673名粉丝，还曾经接受过芬兰电视台主要频道的采访。但无论如何，最伟大的作品在作者生活的时代往往都是最不受欢迎的。

我完全不需要声名显赫。我在遗嘱里写明，要毁掉我的电子邮件，不要想着给我写传记。

1. Simon Kuper：西蒙·库珀（1969～），英国人，体育经济学家，欧洲最好的足球记者之一，现为《金融时报》（Financial Times）专栏作家。

2. hilarious [h??le?ri?s] adj. 令人捧腹的，喜不自禁的

3. French Children Dont Throw Food：《法国小孩不乱丢食物》，是本文作者的妻子帕梅拉·德鲁克曼（Pamela Druckerman）的畅销书。帕梅拉为多家媒体的专栏作家，曾任《华尔街日报》（The Wall Street Journal）记者。

4. Paddy Agnew：帕迪·阿格纽（1955～），爱尔兰足球记者

5. pompous [?p?mp?s] adj. 自命不凡的，华而不实的

6. rebut [r??b?t] vt. 反驳，击退

7. at great length：详细地，细致地，洋洋洒洒地

8. bracket [?br?k?t] vt. 把……归为一类；把……相提并论

9. Bleak House：《荒凉山庄》，狄更斯最长的作品之一，它以错综复杂的情节揭露英国法律制度和司法机构的黑暗。

10. Zadie Smith：扎迪·史密斯（1975～），英国青年一代作家的代表，代表作有《白牙》（White Teeth）等。

11. mystify [?m?st?fa?] vt. 使神秘化；使迷惑

12. hard-pressed [?hɑ?（r）dprest] adj. 很难做到的

13. bon mot [?b?n? ?m??] n. 〈法〉妙语；机智诙谐的言辞

14. scatological [?sk?t??l?d??k（?）l] adj. 与粪便有关的

15. Peter Cook：彼得·库克（1937～1995），英国讽刺作家、喜剧演员

16. shack up with：与……同居