雅思习作评改系列（5）：你还在写流水句吗？

在雅思寫作考官给定的评分细则里，经常出现“本作文的标点符号使用有不少问题”的评语。很多同学不太明白这个标点符号问题究竟指的是什么。其实，对中国学生而言，标点符号问题往往出现在该用句号的时候却用逗号，从而造成所谓的“流水句”（run-on sentence）。流水句写得多了，分数也会无可奈何随之流走，非常可惜。

很麻烦的是，中国学生中的英语流水句现象非常普遍，而且难以根除。老雅曾经在某个作文班一开始时就与学生打赌：课程结束之后，如果你们的英语作文中完全根除了流水句，那老雅就请全班吃饭！学生们都发誓不犯这个错误。但到最后，老雅还是在学生的作文中发现了两例十分典型的流水句，让全班其他同学的努力付之东流。那么，为什么中国学生非常容易写出英语流水句来呢？究其原因，还是因为中文语法的影响。原来，中文里使用流水句完全是自然、合法的！随便摘录一句中文“我们要保护环境，这很重要”，我们肯定使用逗号，而不会使用句号。但若按照中文将这句转化为英语“We should protect the environment， this is important.”那就是标准的流水句了，因为“We should protect the environment”已经是一个完整的句子，而“this is important”也是一个完整的句子，这两个完整的句子之间必须要有连接词来表达它们之间的关系，这才符合英语语法要求。因此，这个句子可以按照以下方式修改：

A. We should protect the environment. This is important.

B. We should protect the environment， and this is important.

C. We should protect the environment， which is important.

本期老雅给大家修改一篇学生习作，该作文中出现了多次流水句现象，希望各位烤鸭能从本次修改文中吸取教训，在今后的写作中避免此类问题，不再给考官留下扣分的理由。

题目

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

学生习作

With the development of interaction between human beings， sense to deal with fierce competitions have become the most important thing for education in many schools. However there are still some of people insisting that cooperating with others can makes children more useful when they grow up. In the following essay， both of views of education would be discussed and my own opinion would be given.

Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children could realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well paid company. And this realization might encourage teenagers to be diligent and work hard on study. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

By contrast， only competition is not enough to train a children into useful adults when they grow up， corporation is also extremely important. First， corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work the society.

Conclusively， although competition sense is very necessary， the usage of corporation cannot be ignore. So teachers should improving the sense of competition of students while developing their skills to corporate.

評分：5.5

总评：具有一定的英语表达能力;能用英语表达观点并对其进行一定程度的论证;逻辑基本清楚（个别地方模糊），词汇能达意（有不少错误），句型能传达思想（有较多错误，个别地方影响读者理解）。需要在语言表达准确度上进一步努力。

逐句修改

第1段：With the development of interaction between human beings， sense to deal with fierce competitions have become the most important thing for education in many schools. However there are still some of people insisting that cooperating with others can makes children more useful when they grow up. In the following essay， both of views of education would be discussed and my own opinion would be given.

【老雅修改】As the interaction among people increases day by day， many schools have regarded it as the most important thing to develop children’s sense of competition. However， some people still insist that cooperation with others makes children more useful when they grow up. In my view， sense of competition and cooperation are equally significant for children’s growth.

【老雅点评】1. 作为开头段，基本合格，老雅仅仅做了部分语言调整。2. with the development of interaction between human beings这个表达是很奇怪的，interaction怎么会发展？显然，这里想说的是人类之间的交往越来越多，可改为：as the interaction among people increases...。3. can makes是一个绝对的语法错误。4. In the following essay...，这是个套路句子，请尽量避免。应该直接表达观点。

第2段：Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children could realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well paid company. And this realization might encourage teenagers to be diligent and work hard on study. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

【老雅修改】As students in school are suffering from huge pressure， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well-paying company. And this realization might give impetus to teenagers to be diligent and work hard. Besides， developing children’s sense of competition provides a‘warm up’ for their future job， since competitions will become more intense when they get to the job market. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

【老雅点评】1. 本段写培养竞争意识的好处，原文基本意思表达清楚。2. 原文有一个不太好的倾向：在两个意思有关联的句子之间，不用连接词，从而让句子成为“流水句”。比如：

A. Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition.

前后两个独立句子之间，用from this相连接，而且都是逗号，这是受汉语语法影响的结果。英语中，需要把两个句子用句号分开，或者把其中一个句子变成从句，可修改为：As students in school are suffering from huge pressure， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. [把前面一句变成原因状语从句]

B. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable.

这同样是个流水句，因为前面是一个独立句子，后面又是一个独立句子，两者用逗号连接，而且没有任何连接词。修改为：

Besides， developing children’s sense of competition provides a “warm up” for their future job， since competitions will become more intense when they get to the job market. [把后面一句变成原因状语从句]

第3段：By contrast， only competition is not enough to train a children into useful adults when they grow up， corporation is also extremely important. First， corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work the society.

【老雅修改】However， only competition is not enough to train children into useful adults when they grow up， for corporation is also extremely important. First， as the decisions made by a team are always more reliable and feasible， the products a team makes can be ensured in quality because together， they can provide better and all-round ideas. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand each other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work.

【老雅點评】1. 本段讲合作的好处。论述显得比较薄弱，而且有些句子无法读懂，逻辑也比较混乱，是本习作中最糟糕的一个段落。可以这样论证：合作可以让学生学会如何与人打交道，如何沟通协调，为了一个共同的目标做出自己的努力。将来学生在工作中往往不需要单打独斗，往往需要与人合作，因此合作尤其重要。2. By contrast不太合适，此处是转折，应该用However。3. 第一句还是流水句，修改文中添加了for就规避了这个错误！4. 本段最大问题是这句：... corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. 这里要讲的原因到底是什么？是说合作能够带来更可靠的决定，还是合作能够带来更好的产品。我的理解是合作首先带来更可靠的决定，然后才是带来更好的产品。写作中一定要理顺思想之间的关系，颠倒后就让人无法读懂。

第4段：Conclusively， although competition sense is very necessary， the usage of corporation cannot be ignore. So teachers should improving the sense of competition of students while developing their skills to corporate.

【老雅修改】 In conclusion， although the sense of competition is very necessary， the ability to cooperate with others cannot be ignored. So teachers should cultivate children’s sense of competition and develop their skills to corporate.

【老雅点评】1. 结论段意思上没有大问题，但语法上错误也不少。2. conclusively 还是用in conclusion。3. the usage of cooperation这个表达非常奇怪，是“合作的用法”吗？4. cannot be ignore应该是cannot be ignored。5. should improving应该是should improve。

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