一百万个可能 Soraya Nadia McDonald

傅婧瑛

I found it.

我找到了。

I found a perfect movie for 4/20.Well，almost.

我找到了完美適合大麻爱好者的电影。或者说，近乎完美。

It's Space Jam（minus the treacly R.Kelly theme that doesnt even match the tone of the movie）.

那就是《空中大灌篮》（当然要去年R.Kelly那首和电影风格根本不符的腻歪的主题曲）。

But Space Jam is an accidental stoner classic.Its a kids movie that just happens to be the perfect mix of hilarious，fantastical，riveting and disturbing when watched while one is stoned out of ones gourd.The stakes revolve around slavery.Slavery！Imagine if its forthcoming sequel took that energy and made it intentional.

不过《空中大灌篮》却是一个意外的大麻电影经典。这本是一个给小孩子看的电影，却将搞笑，异想天开，引人入胜和让人反感完美地结合了一起，特别适合神魂颠倒的大麻爱好者。故事的主题是奴隶制，奴隶制！想象一下未来的续集会不会特意把这个话题摆在台面上。

If Space Jam 2 possesses the hallmark phantasmagoria of its director，Terence Nance，it ought to leave sober viewers wondering if theyve accidentally ingested shrooms.

如果《空中大灌篮2》保留以奇幻场景闻名的导演特伦斯·南斯，神志清醒的观众看电影时一定会产生疑问，导演是不是吃了致幻蘑菇？

Which gives me great hope that besides being a multiple NBA-championship—winning philanthropist who builds schools and produces documentaries that shine a light on those least illuminated，LeBron James could end up producing and starring in the best stoner flick since The Big Lebowski.LeBron has the range.And we deserve.

这不禁让我充满希望，拥有多枚NBA总冠军戒指，修建了学校，拍摄了纪录片让世界了解小人物的慈善家勒布朗·詹姆斯，会不会监制并主演自《勒布斯基老大》后最好的大麻电影。勒布朗有这个能力，我们也值得这样的电影。

This week，I busied myself with a bit of public service journalism.I went on the hunt for the perfect black stoner flick and kept coming up disappointed.Maybe they dont existyet.They should.

本周，为了公众利益，我开始了认真的新闻写作。我去寻找最完美的黑人大麻电影，但总是失望而归。也许这样的电影不存在，但这样的电影早该问世了。

But until that day comes，lets revisit what makes Space Jam an excellent stoner film.

可在那一天到来前，还是让我们重温《空中大灌篮》这部出色的大麻电影吧。

In Space Jam-which somehow required not one，not two，not three，but FOUR sereenwriters—like an epic adaptation of Doctor Faustus，Michael Jordan has retired from basketball and has moved on to baseball.He has a bulldog named Charles.（As in Charles BARK-ley，get it？）At the same time Michael is making this career transition，a group of aliens from a place called Moron Mountain descends upon Cartoon World，which is the home of Bugs Bunny，Porky Pig，Tweety Bird，the Tasmanian Devil，the Road Runner，Lola Bunny，Elmer Fudd，Daffy Duck，Yosemite Sam，Marvin the Martian，the weird rooster with the Southern accent and one elderly white granny.（Among elements that go unexplained：why the male-to-female ratio in Cartoon Land is so screwy.）

《空中大灌篮》——这个电影需要不止一个，不止两个不止三个，而是四个编剧——就像改编版的《浮士德博士》，迈克尔·乔丹从篮球场退役，来到了棒球场，他有一只名叫查尔斯的斗牛犬（查尔斯·咆克利，懂？）。在乔丹适应职业变化时，一群来自笨蛋山的外星人来到了卡通世界，也就是兔八哥，猪小弟，翠迪鸟，塔斯马尼亚魔鬼，跑跑者，萝拉兔，鸡蛋头艾默，达菲鸭，山姆大叔，火星人马文，有着南方口音的奇怪以及一個白人老奶奶的家。（还有个问题没法解释：为什么卡通世界里的男女比例这么失调。）

The Alien Moron Imperialists look like what might result if a person used CRISPR to splice together the DNA of a cockroach，a toucan and a guinea pig.Theyre not that bright，but they have guns.They say things like.“You.All of you are now our prisoners：”

拥护帝制的笨蛋外星人看起来就像有人重组基因序列将蟑螂，大嘴乌和豚鼠的DNA结合在一起造出来的生物。他们不聪明，但有枪。他们说：“你，你们所有人都是我们的囚犯。”

“Were taking you to our theme park in outer space：”

“我们要把你们带到外太空我们的主题公园里。”

“Nofood.”

“没饭吃。”

“Where you will be our slaves and placed on display for the amusement of our paying customers.”

The aliens basically declare that theyre establishing a triangular trade between Moron Mountain，Earth and Cartoon Land，which seems to be located somewhere between the Earths crust and mantle，given that Jordan ends up there after hes shrunken and swallowed into a putting green hole.

“你们在那会成为我们的奴隶，展示给我们的付费用户。”外星人说的就是，他们在笨蛋山，地球和卡通世界间建立了一个三角贸易区，位置差不多就在地球的地壳和地幔之间，因为乔丹缩小后被吸进了一个绿色的洞里。

The Looney Tunes，faced with an existential crisis and no means to defend themselves（except maybe Elmers shotgun，which no one bothers to try shooting），hatch a deal with the aliens.

“Give us a chance to defend ourselves，”they request.With a basketball game.

《华纳巨星总动员》里的卡通角色面临着生存危机，又没有自我保护能力（除了鸡蛋头的猎枪，但似乎没人想着开枪），于是他们和外星人达成了一项协议。“给我们一个保护自己的机会。”他们提出要求。用一场篮球赛保护自己。

OK，there is actually some defensible logic here.The aliens are about the size of guinea pigs and the Looney Tunes are…taller.The odds should be in their favor.Still，the only thing lying between Porky，Tasmanian Devil，Lola，Tweety，etc.，and ending up like Sarah Baartman is…basketball？Thats a bit of a head-scratcher.

好吧，这里的逻辑还是说得通的。外星人差不多和豚鼠一样大，而卡通角色们……挺高。胜利的天平应该倒向卡通角色们。但是阻拦猪小弟，塔斯马尼亚魔鬼，萝拉兔，翠迪鸟等变成活展品的唯一障碍是……篮球？这就让人挠头了。

The aliens take the deal then set about sucking the talent out of a bunch of NBA players for their own use.

外星人同意了，吸收了一系列NBA球员的能力为自己所用。

So Muggsy Bogues，Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing discover that theyve become instantly terrible at basketball，and they have no idea why.And because“alien body snatchers leeching off black peoples talent so they Can win the rights to enslave some other people” doesnt exactly present itself as an obvious explanation，the rest of the NBA is shook.The other players start wearing gas masks to avoid the mysterious bacterial contagion thats going around rendering NBA players useless.

就这样，“小虫”博格斯，查尔斯·巴克利和帕特里克·尤因发现自己的篮球水平变得非常糟糕，但他们也搞不清楚原因。再加上似乎没人想得到“外星人为了赢得奴役他人的权利而吸走黑人能力”这个原因，整个NBA都震惊了，其他球员为了防止被神秘的细菌感染变成废人而戴上了防毒面具。

Again，weve arrived at this point because the only thing standing between the Looney Tunes and slavery is a basketball game.So the Looney Tunes shrink Jordan and suck him down the hole of a putting green when hes out playing golf with Larry Bird，the publicist of his new baseball team.and Bill Murray.

就這样，我们又一次来到阻止卡通人物变成奴隶只差一场篮球赛的节点。所以，当乔丹和拉里·伯德以及他的新棒球队公关比尔·默瑞一起打高尔夫球时，卡通人物把乔丹缩小，吸进了高尔夫球场里的洞里。

Can we just take a minute to recognize that Jordan has terrible friends in this movie？Not a one of them tries to save him.

我们能不能抽出一分钟好好想想，乔丹在这部电影里交的都是什么朋友？没有一个人想着去救他。

JORDAN NOT ONLY SAVES THE LOONEY TUNES FROM SLVERY，HE MANAGES TO REPOSSESS THE TALENT OF BOGUES，EWING AND BARKLEY AND RETURN IT.THE FAT CAT GOES RICOCHETING INTO OUTER SPACE，JORDAN GOES BACK TO BASKETBALL，AND THEN IN PIPES THE COMICALLY INCONGRUOUS“I BELIEVE I CAN FLY.”

乔丹不仅拯救了卡通人物，他还拿回了博格斯，尤因和巴克利的能力并还给了他们。肥猫被射向太空，乔丹回到篮球场，这时出现了不合时宜的《我相信我能飞》这首歌。

With Jordan firmly ensconcedin Looney Tunes Land， BugsBunny explains why he and hisfriends have sucked the greatestbasketball player of all time intomiddle-earth： “You see， thesealiens come from outer spaceand they want to make us slavesin their theme park. Eh， what dowe care. Theyre little. So thenwe challenge them to a basketballgame. But then they show up andthey aint so little. Theyre HUGE！We need to beat these guys！Cause theyre talkin slavery！Theyre gonna make us do standupcomedy. The same jokes， everynight， for all eternity. What Imtrying to say is， WE NEED YOURHEEEEEEEEEEELP.”

乔丹到了卡通世界，兔八哥解释了他和朋友为什么要把史上最伟大的篮球运动员吸到地球中间：“你看，这些外星人来自太空，他们想把我们变成他们主题公园的奴隶。我们怕什么呢，他们那么小。但他们变大了！我们需要打败这些家伙！因为他们说的是奴隶！他们要把我们变成单口喜剧演员。同样的笑话，每天晚上讲一遍，永远永远讲下去。我要说的是，我们需要你的帮助！”

This bit of exposition is accompanied by an image of Bugs Bunny attached to a ball and chain，shucking and jiving against his will across a stage. How did we miss all the racial subtext packed into this movie？

做这个解释时，是兔八哥被锁在铁球和铁链上，被迫在舞台上表演的画面。我们怎么能忽视这个电影里隐含的种族隐喻呢？

The'roided-up body snatcher aliens，now known as the Monstars，are not so impressed by Jordan.

个个人高马壮被称为“怪物”的外星人，却不太看得上乔丹。

“You heard of the Dream Team？”one asks.“Well，were the Mean Team.”

“你听说过梦之队吗？”其中一个怪物说，“我们是恶之队。”

And then they proceed to ball up Jordan like he doesnt have bones，or ligaments，or a spinal cord，and dribble him around a two-dimensional basketball court.

接着，他们把乔丹看作个没有骨头，韧带或者脊椎的人，在一个二维篮球场上围着乔丹运球。

Meanwhile，onthe surface of Earth，a doctor is asking Ewing if hes been experiencing impotence since he lost his talent.This movie is wild.

同时在地面上，一个医生问尤因，失去篮球能力后他有没有出现过阳痿。这电影太狂野了。

Anyway， once Jordans regained his natural shape， he sends Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck to search his house for his lucky Carolina shorts and his shoes，because you cant play basketball against a team of body-snatching aliens in golf spikes. That would be preposterous.

总而言之，当乔丹恢复正常身型后，他派兔八哥和达菲鸭去自己家，找他的幸运卡罗莱纳短裤和球鞋，毕竟没人能穿着一身高尔夫装备和抢了别人能力的外星人打篮球赛。

It turns out theres a comically evil， cigar-smoking alien fat cat （voiced by Danny DeVito） who is forcing the Morons to steal the essences of black people， play this game against the Looney Tunes and win. （Way to let the Alien Imperialist Morons off the hook，writers. Turns out they were only following orders！）

事后证明，一个长相滑稽，抽着雪茄的外星肥猫（丹尼·德维托配音）才是强迫笨蛋山人偷走黑人能力，和卡通角色打比赛并赢球的幕后黑手。（费了好大劲终于帮笨蛋山人甩锅了，原来他们只是听别人的命令！）

Even with Jordan on their side， the Tune Squad is awful.But at halftime， down 66-20， all of the Tune Squad gets a hit of a mysterious bottle labeled “Michaels Secret Stuff.” They start scoring and playing incredible defense to close the gap to 68-66. Jordan informs his teammates his “secret stuff” is actually just water， leading them to believe in themselves.

即便有乔丹，卡通队也很烂。但半场20比62落后，喝到了写着“迈克尔的神秘物质”的神秘液体。他们开始得分，打出不可思议的防守，将差距缩小到66比68。乔丹告诉队友，“神秘物质”只是水，作用只是让他们相信自己。

The game ends with the Tune Squad winning， 78-77. Jordan not only saves the Looney Tunes from slavery， he manages to repossess the talent of Bogues， Ewing and Barkley and return it. The fat cat goes ricocheting into outer space，Jordan goes back to basketball，and then in pipes the comically incongruous “I Believe I Can Fly.”

比賽以卡通队78比77取胜结束。乔丹不仅拯救了卡通人物，他还拿回了博格斯，尤因和巴克利的能力并还给了他们。肥猫被射向太空，乔丹回到篮球场，这时出现了不合时宜的《我相信我能飞》这首歌。

Thats it.Thats the（nearly）perfect4/20 movie.

电影就这样结束了。一部（接近）完美的大麻电影。

Time to roll another spliff.

是时候抽一口了。

①一种电影类型，通指一个喜剧中的主要人物以莫名其妙的逻辑和乖张的行径来处理事情所产生的各种意外是剧情发展的主线，这样的电影都可被称为大麻电影。