雅思习作评改系列（3）：简洁明快是好作文的标志

文/唐老雅

莎士比亚曾经说过，“brevity is the soul of wit”，也就是说，最大的智慧就在于简洁明快。诚然，现代英语也早已摆脱了维多利亚时代英语的矫揉造作，力求思维的直接和表达的简洁。然而，由于受汉语的影响，很多同学在写英语的时候却往往难以做到直接和简明，思想兜来兜去，语言翻来覆去，读起来很不顺，从而导致失分。本期拟从简洁的角度给各位烤鸭提供一篇作文修改，话题是“修新铁路好还是改善现有交通好”。

题目

In a number of cities, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities.Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.

学生习作

The public transport, doubtlessly, is indispensable to connect each other from various places.To make the cross-city journey more time-saving and convenient,some people argue that the government spending in infrastructure investment should emphasize on building new lines for high-speed trains.Others believe that it’s acceptable to improve the current public transport.From my point of view, actually,it’s a more attractive option to construct new railway lines for express trains.

The first obvious benef i t for the second option is that it takes less money to improve the existing public transport system than to establish completely new lines for more advanced trains.To construct new lines, the government has to spend a large amount of money from the very first beginning.Such investment is not needed to improve the current public transport system.However, I think the first option is still a desirable choice.Even though it’s de finitely more expensive to build new lines and purchase high-speed trains.The money is worthwhile when the citizens can be more satisfied about the trains with latest technology, when the citizens do not have to spend that much precious time on the commuting.As an old saying goes, time is money.They earn more time thanks to government’s generous investment on public transport.Instead of wasting their time on the road, they can have more freedom in time management.

The second obvious benef i t for the second option is that it takes less time to improve the existing public transport system than to establish completely new lines for faster trains.It’s no easy thing to design and construct new lines and it’s quite reasonable to assume that it might take years to work on the project.However, in spite of the advantages of the second option, the first option is still a more considerate one.We have to admit that improvement is less time-consuming than construction but it’s hard to identify how to improve the current system,would the improvement an effective one, can the improvement solve the emerging demand for people going out.With a through consideration of the above factors,we’d rather design new lines and buy qualifying trains at first.

To spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities is the most effective solution which enables citizens to have more freedom when they go out.

评分：6

总评：结构清楚，切题有逻辑，能用英语表达思想，词汇基本正确，语法基本正确。但是，语言使用不够灵活，显得比较呆板，重复表达现象不少，有较大语法错误和词汇使用不当之处。另外，文章写得过长，有些地方行文啰唆。

逐句修改

第 1段：The public transport, doubtlessly, is indispensable to connect each other from various places.To make the cross-city journey more time-saving and convenient, some people argue thatthe government spending in infrastructure investment should emphasize on building new lines for high-speed trains.Others believe thatit’s acceptable to improvethe current public transport.From my point of view, actually,it’s a more attractive option to constructnew railway lines for express trains.

【老雅修改】The public transport is doubtlessly very important in our life.To make the inter-city journey more time-saving and convenient, some people argue that the government should spend as much as it can building new lines for fast trains, while others believe it is better to improve the current transport system.In my view, constructing new high-speed railway lines is the more attractive option.

【老雅点评】1.作为开头段，原文太长了。2.画线部分虽然从语法上讲基本正确，但写得非常啰唆，不简练。3.it’s acceptable to improve the current public transport中的 acceptable 使用并不准确，advisable更准确，或者用更简单、准确的 better。4.it’s a more attractive option to construct… 这个句型与前面一个句型完全相同，一般不将两个完全相同的句型放在一起，读起来显得很呆板。

第 2段：The first obvious benefit for the second option is that it takes less money to improve the existing public transport system than to establish completely new lines for more advanced trains.To construct new lines, the government has to spend a large amount of money from the very first beginning.Such investment is not needed to improve the current public transport system.However, I think the first option is still a desirable choice.Even though it’s definitely more expensive to build new lines and purchase high-speed trains.The money is worthwhile when the citizens can be more satisfied about the trains with latest technology, when the citizens do not have to spend that much precious time on the commuting.As an old saying goes, time is money.They earn more time thanks to government’s generous investment on public transport.Instead of wasting their time on the road, they can have more freedom in time management.

【老雅修改】Obviously, improving the existing transport system is much cheaper than constructing new railways lines, which will cost a large sum of the government budget.But I believe the money spent here is worthwhile because the fast train system will save the citizens much precious time.For instance,travelling from Guangzhou to Beijing by the fast train takes less than seven hours in contrast to more than 20 hours by the traditional train.So, instead of wasting their time on the road, people can enjoy more freedom in their time management.

【老雅点评】本段重点讲高速铁路可以节约人们很多宝贵时间。1.原文显得过于重复啰唆，思维不直接。应该学会直接思维，会使文章显得更加轻快、通顺。2.Even though it’s definitely more expensive to build new lines and purchase high-speed trains.这是一个破碎句，句号应该改为逗号。3.The money is worthwhile when the citizens can be more satisfied about the trains with latest technology, when the citizens do not have to spend that much precious time on the commuting.本句中，第二个when前应该加and。4.我在修改文中增加了一个例子来具体证明fast train是如何节约人们时间的。在写作中适当增加此类例子可以增加说服力，也可以让行文显得更加生动具体。

第 3段：The second obvious benefit for the second option is thatit takes less time toimprove the existing public transport system than to establish completely new lines for faster trains.It’s no easy thing todesign and construct new lines andit’s quite reasonable toassume that it might take years to work on the project.However, in spite of the advantages of the second option, the first option is still a more considerate one.We have to admit that improvement is less time-consuming than construction butit’s hard toidentify how to improve the current system, would the improvement an effective one, can the improvement solve the emerging demand for people going out.With a through consideration of the above factors, we’d rather design new lines and buy qualifying trains at first.

【老雅修改】Another reason why people support the improvement option is that it is less time-consuming.Designing and constructing new lines is never easy,which may take years to complete.However, how to improve the current system and make it effective to meet the ever increasing demand of people for travelling is perhaps a more difficult issue.The re-planning and re-construction usually involve more complicated factors than building something that is completely new.

【老雅点评】本段论述改进现有交通系统其实也很难，虽然可能更节约时间。1.原文啰唆，重复表述多，不简洁。2.原文句式重复太多，it is…to… 句型反复使用到无聊的地步，在将来的写作训练中要找到办法改变这一写作习惯。3.through应该是thorough。

第4段：To spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities is the most effective solution which enables citizens to have more freedom when they go out.

【老雅修改】To conclude, constructing new railways lines for very fast trains is a much preferable solution to the transport problem between cities.Though it may be more money and time costly, a new fast train railway will give people more freedom and convenience when they travel.

【老雅点评】总结段应该对原文进行恰当总结。 □

［与老雅继续交流，请加微信公众号ieltswriting4u（唐老雅英语写作工作室）］