我和自己有个约会

绘◎马豆子

我跟自己去约会：我独自看电影，独自在博物馆闲逛，独自吃饭。我坐在咖啡馆里，独自写着日志。我一个人乘火车，前往从未去过的城镇，然后独自在那里四处走走。

我意识到也许这听起来超级蠢。你很可能会想，我肯定十分怪异、非常寂寞。有趣的是，我在开始独自生活前是更加孤独的。那种就像我需要一直跟别人待在一起才能做深呼吸的感觉，是孤独。但现在这种场景呢？这是平静，是趣味，是构建自信心的基础。以下是我学会独处的方法：

I take myself on dates. I go to the movies alone.I wander museums alone. I eat meals alone. I sit in coffee shops and write a diary alone. I take the train and go to new towns and walk around alone.

I realize this may sound super dorky. You may probably thinking that I must be pretty strange and very lonely. Interestingly enough, I was more lonely before I started spending time alone. The feeling like I needed to be around people all the time to take a deep breath—that was loneliness.But this is peace. This is fun. This is what self-esteem①is built of. Here's how I learned to spend time alone:

⒈I just did it. And let go of trying to look "cool"

⒉Make a list of your favorite things. And don't wait for anyone．

⒊ Schedule②It.

It's hard for some people to believe that I am choosing not to date, and I often get strange looks and confused grunts from my old aunt and college friends alike. Why would someone voluntarily choose to stay single? To spend time alone?

I'm not the slightest bit embarrassed to say out loud that I've been dating myself and it's been the most nurturing,sustainable③, and non-anxiety inducing relationship I've ever had. I'm kind and patient and gentle and loving and forgiving of myself. I am strong and brave. That's the kind of person l want to be with and the type of relationship I hope to be in.

l know now that I'm not going into the relationship as a half, I'm going in as a whole. So whether it works out or doesn't work out, deep down, I haven't lost anything. I'm still me. I'm still complete. I still have the friendship I've built with the me that I've grown to know and love over the past 23 years. That's the greatest relief I've ever known．

⒈我只是一个人独处，并不去想怎么做才能看起来酷。

⒉列出你最爱的事物，不要等别人跟你一起去践行。

⒊将它列入日程表。

有些人很难相信我选择不去约会，大姨和大学同学们老是对我投以怪异的眼神和不解的咕哝。为什么会有人愿意保持单身？愿意独自一人消磨时光？

大声说出我正和自己约会，一点也不让我尴尬，而且它是我经历的所有关系中最滋养人、最持久也最不会引发焦虑的。我对自己友善、耐心、温柔、友爱并且宽容。我强大而勇敢。这便是我想要的对象，也是我希望同他建立起的恋爱关系。

我现在知道了，我不会在恋爱关系中有所保留，而会是全身心地投入。因此无论这段关系是否有好的结果，在内心深处我都没有任何损失。我仍然是我自己，我仍然完好无损，我同自己建立起的友谊依旧存在，那便是我在过去23年中渐渐了解并爱上的。这是我所知的最大欣慰。

① self-esteem 英 [self ɪ'sti:m] 美 [ˌsɛlfəˈstim]n. 自尊；自负；自大

② schedule 英 [ˈʃedju:l] 美 [ˈskedʒʊl; skɛdʒʊl]vt. 安排，计划；将……列入计划表

③ sustainable 英 [sə'steɪnəb(ə)l] 美 [sə'stenəbl]adj. 可以忍受的；足可支撑的；养得起的；可持续的