与老爸老妈的相处指南

Suzanne+Zimbler+祝莉丽

与父母相处得不是很融洽？时不时地会与父母发生争执？不用太过烦恼，大多数孩子与父母之间都会存在这样那样的问题。关键是要找出问题所在，并冷静、有礼貌地解决，这样才能让你们的亲密关系更上一层楼哦。

A Changing Relationship一种变化的关系

If there was one thing you could make parents understand about kids， what would it be？ That is one of the questions Time for Kids and KidsHealth.org recently asked in an anonymous1） poll2） conducted online. More than 8000 kids answered. "We just want to spend time with you，" said a 12-year-old. "At 13， you can't treat me like I'm 6，" another kid said. An 11-year-old wrote， "Being a kid is a lot harder than it looks."

The kids who took the poll made it clear that they want to feel close to the important people in their life—their mom， dad， and other caring adults. But their answers also show that it is not always easy to navigate3） these close relationships.

如果你能通过一件事让父母了解孩子，那会是什么事？最近（编注：英文原文发表于2016年3月），《时代周刊·儿童版》和儿童健康网联合在网上发起了一次匿名问卷调查，这就是列入其中的一个问题。此次调查共有8000多个孩子填写了问卷。“我们就想和你们待在一起。”一个12岁的孩子说。“我13岁了，你们不能像对待6岁小孩儿那样对待我。”另一个孩子说。一个11岁的孩子写道：“做个孩子可比表面上看起来难多了。”

参加此次问卷调查的孩子们明确表示，他们想与自己生活中最重要的人（他们的妈妈、爸爸和其他关心他们的成年人）有亲密感。然而他们的回答也表明，正确应对这些亲密关系并非总是那么容易。

Getting Along and Having Fun相处融洽，享受快乐

Many kids—two out of three—said they get along pretty well or very well with their parents. About four out of five kids told us that they have fun with their parents. But that doesn't mean they never disagree. In fact， most kids reported arguing with their parents， at least sometimes.

"It's absolutely normal to disagree and argue，" says D'Arcy Lyness， a child psychologist. "But it's also important to learn how to do so respectfully." About half of the kids said they are doing that. When they disagree with their parents， they say they discuss issues calmly.

But two out of five kids said arguments tend to involve yelling at each other. Lyness points out that shouting never helps. "Speak up， and let your parents know your ideas and your opinions，" she advises. "But be patient. Don't use a raised， angry voice."

Kids made it clear that they would rather avoid conflict altogether. Not surprisingly， three out of four kids admitted to lying at times. Many said they lie to avoid getting in trouble or disappointing their parents. According to Lyness， lying isn't just wrong. It can actually get negative results. Telling the truth builds trust. "When parents can trust you， they are more likely to give you more freedom and more privileges4），" she says.

A Changing Relationship一种变化的关系

Telling the truth， says Lyness， is a sign of maturity5）. But older kids were more likely to say they lie than younger ones. Kids aged 12 to 14 not only said they lie more， but they also reported having less fun， feeling less close and not getting along as well with their parents.

According to Lyness， those feelings are not uncommon. As kids become more independent， they have more areas of conflict with their parents. But it doesn't have to be that way. "Kids and parents get along differently at each phase of the journey，" she says. As kids grow and change， it is important for everybody to adapt. "There's a dance of ways that youinteract6） and get along，" she points out. "Then there's a shift7）， and it's a different dance." Change is normal， shestresses8）.

莱内斯说，实话实说是心智成熟的一种表现。但是年龄较大的孩子比年幼的孩子更有可能说出自己撒谎的事情。12～14岁的孩子不仅说自己撒谎次数多，还说感到乐趣更少，亲密感更弱，与父母相处也不太融洽。

莱内斯认为，那些感觉并不少见。随着孩子们变得愈加独立，他们会在更多方面与父母产生冲突，但是事情并不一定非要变成那样。“孩子和父母在人生旅程每个阶段的相处方式都有所不同。”她说。随着孩子的成长和变化，每个人都要去适应，这点很重要。“你们互动和相处的方式要像跳舞一样，”她指出，“舞曲换了，就要开始跳一种新的舞步。”变化很正常，她强调。

三分之二的孩子说他们和父母相处很融洽，或特别融洽。大约五分之四的孩子说他们和父母在一起很开心，但这并不意味着他们从来不会产生意见分歧。事实上，多数孩子都说曾和父母发生过争执，至少有时候会那样。

“出现意见相左和争执的情况完全正常，”儿童心理学家达西·莱内斯说，“但是学会如何在上述情况中保持尊重的态度也很重要。”约有半数孩子说他们就在这么做。当他们与父母意见相左时，他们说自己会冷静地讨论相关问题。

但是有五分之二的孩子说争执的时候容易对彼此大喊大叫。莱内斯指出，大喊大叫毫无益处。“要说出来，让你的父母了解你的想法和意见，”她建议道，“但是要有耐心，不要愤怒地大声说话。”

孩子们明确表示他们宁愿干脆避免冲突。不出所料，有四分之三的孩子承认偶尔会撒谎。许多孩子说他们撒谎是为了避免麻烦或不让父母失望。莱内斯认为，撒谎可不仅仅是做错了这么简单，它实际上能带来负面结果，而实话实说能够建立信任。“当父母可以信任你的时候，他们会更愿意给你更多自由和权限。”她说。

How to Stay Close如何保持亲密关系

The experts at KidsHealth.org suggest taking these steps in order to feel closer to your parents and have fewer arguments.

1. Find ways to let parents in on9） your life. Tell them how things are going for you， even if it's just a small detail.

2. Have fun together. Find things you enjoy doing together. Be willing to make time for your parents.

3. Talk with kindness and respect. Even when you disagree， avoid yelling， angry or mean words， and disrespect.

4. Say "yes" more than "no". You probably want your parent to do that， too！ Parents are more likely to say yes when kids are cooperative.

5. Express your love and appreciation. Try a hug， a note， a kind act， or a simple thank-you.

为了让你与父母更有亲密感，并减少争执，儿童健康网的专家们建议你遵循如下步骤。

1. 想办法让父母走进你的生活。告诉他们你的近况如何，即使它只是一个小细节。

2. 分享快乐。找到你们乐意一起去做的事情，并乐于腾出时间与父母相处。

3. 以和蔼、尊敬的态度交谈。即使你们意见不同，也不要大喊大叫、生气恼火或口出不逊，还有不要失礼不敬。

4. 多说“好的”，少说“不行”。你很可能希望父母也这样做！当孩子配合的时候，父母会更有可能同意你的请求。

5. 表达你的爱意和感谢。尝试一个拥抱、一张便笺、一个友好的动作，或仅仅说句“谢谢你”。