爱是谬论

译/可悦 绘/老八



爱是谬论

译/可悦 绘/老八

Cool was I and logical. Keen，calculating， perspicacious， acute and astute-I was all of these. And-think of it！-I am only eighteen.

It is not often that one so young has such a giant intellect①intellect 英［'ɪntəlekt］ 美 ［'ɪntəlɛkt］ n. 智力，理解力；知识分子；思维逻辑领悟力；智力高的人Their power does not come from rank or title but from intellect and perseverance.他们的权力并非来自等级或头衔，而是来自他们的智慧和毅力。. Take， for example， Petey Bellows，my roommate at the university. Same age， same background，but dumb as an ox. Worst of all，a faddist.

One afternoon I found Petey lying on his bed with an expression of such distress on his face that I immediately diagnosed②diagnose 英 ［'daɪəɡnəʊz; -'nəʊz］ 美 ［,daɪəɡ'nos］ vt. 诊断；断定 vi. 诊断；判断Evidently this springs from some defect in their nature， but it is one not altogether easyeither to diagnose of to cure. 这种情形显然源于他们本性上的某种缺陷，但是这种缺陷既不容易诊断也不容易治疗。appendicitis.

"I should have known it，" he cried， pounding his temples. "I should have known they'd

come back when the Charleston came back. Like a fool I spent all my money for textbooks， and now I can't get a raccoon coat."

He leaped from the bed and paced③pace 英［peɪs］ 美 ［pes］ n. 一步；步速；步伐vi. 踱步；缓慢而行vt. 踱步于；用步测 keep pace with 并驾齐驱，保持同步Quickening his pace， he soon left all the other runners behind. 他加快速度，不一会就把别的运动员都甩在后头了the room. "I've got to have a raccoon coat，" he said passionately. "I've got to！" I s t r o k e d m y c h i n thoughtfully. It so happened that④it so happened that 碰巧；恰好I saw him yesterday， as it happens.； It so happened that I saw him yesterday. 碰巧我昨天看见了他。I knew where to get my hands on a raccoon coat. My father had had one in his undergraduate days；it lays now in a trunk in the attic back home. It also happened that Petey had something I wanted. He didn't have it exactly， but at least he had first right on it. I refer to his girl，Polly Espy.

I h a d l o n g coveted Polly Espy.

Beautiful she was.

Intelligent she was not. In fact， she veered in the opposite direction. But I believed that under my guidance she would smarten up. At any rate， it was worth a try. It is， after all， easier to make a beautiful dumb girl smart than to make an ugly smart girl beautiful.

"Look，" I said to Petey when I got back Monday morning. I threw open the suitcase and revealed the huge， hairy， gamy object that my father had worn in his Stutz Bearcat in 1925.

"Holy Toledo！" said Petey reverently. He plunged⑤plunge 英［plʌn（d）ʒ］ 美 ［plʌndʒ］ n. 投入；跳进 vi. 突然地下降；投入；陷入；跳进 vt. 使陷入；使投入；使插入plunge into 投入；跳入；突然或仓促地开始某事take the plunge 冒险尝试；采取决定性步骤plunge pool n. 瀑布下的水潭We can take the cue from our fears and plunge the world into chaos.我们应该从我们的忧虑中以及世界陷入混乱中获取暗示。his hands into the raccoon coat and then his face. "Holy Toledo！" he repeated fifteen or twenty times.

"Would you like it？" I asked.

"Oh yes！" he cried， clutching⑥clutch 英 ［klʌtʃ］ 美 ［klʌtʃ］ n. 离合器；控制；手；紧急关头 vi. 攫；企图抓住 vt. 抓住；紧握Modern clutch purse looks like a real can of Coca-Cola.看着很像一听真的可口可乐的时尚手握式钱包。the greasy pelt to him. Then a canny look came into his eyes. "What do you want for it？" "

Your girl." I said， mincing no words.

"Polly？" he said in a horrified whisper. "You want Polly？"

"That's right." He flung the coat from him. "Never，" he said stoutly.

I shrugged. "Okay. If you don't want to be in the swim， I guess it's your business."

"Try on the coat，" said I. He complied. The coatbunched high over his ears and dropped all the way down to his shoe tops. He looked like a mound of dead raccoons. "Fits fine，" he said happily.

I rose from my chair. "Is it a deal？" I asked， extending my hand.

He swallowed. "It's a deal，" he said and shook my hand.

I had my first date with Polly the following evening. This was in the nature of a survey，I wanted to find out just how much work I had to do to get her mind up to the standard I required.

I went about it， as in all things， systematically. I gave her a course in logic. It happened that I， as a law student， was taking a course in logic myself，so I had all the facts at my fingertips. "Poll，" I said to her when I picked her up on our next date， "tonight we are going over to the knoll and talk."

"Oo， terrif，" she replied. One thing I will say for this girl： you would go far to find another so agreeable.

"We take up a fallacy called Hasty Generalization. Listen carefully： You can't speak French. Petey Bellows can't speak French. I must therefore conclude⑦conclude 英 ［kən'kluːd］ 美 ［kən'klud］ vt. 推断；决定，作结论；结束 vi. 推断；断定；决定conclude with 以……结束conclude a contract 订立合同 conclude an agreement 达成协议that nobody at the University of Minnesota can speak French."

"Really？" said Polly， amazed. "Nobody？"

I hid my exasperation⑧exasperation 英 ［ɪɡ,zɑːspə'reɪʃ（ə）n; eɡ-］ 美 n. 恼怒；恶化；惹人恼怒的事Their progress was exasperatingly slow， but we were beyond exasperation. 车速很慢，令人恼怒，但我们何止是恼怒呢。. "Polly，it's a fallacy. The generalization is reached too hastily. There are too few instances to support such a conclusion."

"Know any more fallacies？" she asked breathlessly. "This is more fun than dancing even."

I fought off a wave of despair. I was getting nowhere with this girl， absolutely nowhere. Still， I am nothing if not persistent⑨persistent 英 ［pə'sɪst（ə）nt］ 美 ［pə'zɪstənt］ adj. 固执的，坚持的；持久稳固的If you really can't find any， at least the experience teaches you to be persistent in anysituation.如果你实在学不到什么东西，至少这种体验可以教给你在任何情况下都要坚持。. I continued.

Five grueling nights with this took， but it was worth it. I had made a logician out of Polly； I had taught her to think. My job was done. She was worthy of me，at last. She was a fit wife for me，a proper hostess for my many mansions， a suitable mother for my well-heeled children.

"Polly，" I said when next we sat beneath our oak， "tonight we will not discuss fallacies."

"A w， g e e，" s h e s a i d，disappointed.

"My dear，" I said， favoring her with a smile， "we have now spent five evenings together. We have gotten along splendidly. It is clear that we are well matched."

"Hasty Generalization，" said Polly brightly.

"I beg your pardon，" said I.

"Hasty Generalization，" she repeated. "How can you say that we are well matched on the basis of only five dates？"

I chuckled with amusement. The dear child had learned her lessons well.

"Polly， I love you. You are the whole world to me， the moon and the stars and the constellations of outer space. Please， my darling，say that you will go steady with me， for if you will not， life will be meaningless. I will languish. I will refuse my meals. I will wander the face of the earth， a shambling，hollow-eyed hulk."

There， I thought， folding my arms， that ought to do it.

"Ad Misericordiam，" said Polly.

I ground my teeth. I was not Pygmalion； I was Frankenstein， and my monster had me by the throat. Frantically I fought back the tide of panic surging through me； at all costs I had to keep cool.

"Well， Polly，" I said， forcing a smile， "you certainly have learned your fallacies."

"You're right，" she said with a vigorous nod.

"And who taught them to you，Polly？"

"You did."

"That's right. So you do owe me something， don't you， my dear？ If I hadn't come along you never would have learned about fallacies."

"Hypothesis Contrary to Fact，" she said instantly.

I dashed perspiration from my brow.

That did it. I leaped to my feet， bellowing like a bull. "Will you or will you not go steady with me？"

"I will not，" she replied.

"Why not？" I demanded.

"Because this afternoon I promised Petey Bellows that I would go steady with him."

With an immense effort of will， I modulated my voice. "All right，" I said. "You're a logician. Let's look at this thing logically. How could you choose Petey Bellows over me？ Look at mea tremendous intellectual， a man with an assured future. Look at Petey-a jitterbug， a guy who'll never know where his next meal is coming from.

"I certainly can，" declared Polly. "He's got a raccoon coat."

我是个很酷的男生，逻辑能力超强，思维敏锐，善于分析，特具有洞察力，并且感觉灵敏，为人精明——我简直是造物主的奇迹。并且，想想吧，我才十八岁！

如此年轻便有这样的智慧，这可不常见。反观我的大学室友皮特·贝洛斯（Petey Bellows），相同的年龄，同样的背景，却蠢笨如牛。最糟糕的是他随波逐流，盲目地追求时尚。

某天下午回到寝室，发现皮特正躺在床上，神情沮丧，形容憔悴。我以为他得了阑尾炎。

他猛敲着太阳穴，自言自语，嚎啕大叫：“在查尔斯顿舞卷土重来时，我就该料到熊皮大衣要风靡了。我真傻，为什么将所有的钱都花在课本上了，现在，我买不了熊皮大衣了。”

他从床上一跃而起，继而在房间里踱来踱去。突然，他像下定了决心，激昂地说：“我一定要得到一件熊皮大衣，我得马上想办法！”

我轻抚着下巴，陷入沉思。很庆幸，我知道上哪搞到一件熊皮大衣。我父亲毕业时曾有一件，现在正躺在家中屋后阁楼上的大箱子里呢。刚巧，皮特也有我想要的东西。其实，也不能说那是他的所有物，但至少他有着优先权——我指的是他的女友，波莉·伊思贝尔（Polly Espy）。

我垂涎波莉·伊思贝尔已久。她美丽。但很可惜，她缺乏智慧，而且是反其道而行。但我有自信能把她教聪明，不管怎样，都是值得一试的。毕竟，改造笨的美女比改造聪明的丑女容易。

“皮特，快看这是什么！”周一回校，我就敞开行李袋，一个庞大物体赫然眼前，毛茸茸的，散发出浓重的腥臭。1925年，我爸在斯图茨·贝尔卡特（Stutz Bearcat）工作，这件皮衣就是他当年穿过的。

“哇，太棒了！”皮特的语气竟有些恭敬。用手摸了摸衣服，之后又将脸贴了上去。“哇，太棒了！”他一遍又一遍地重复着，至少有15到20遍。

“喜欢吗？”我问。

“哦！是的！”他喊着，将油滑的皮毛紧紧地抓在手中。然后防备地看着我，问道：“你想要什么？”

“你女朋友。”我直截了当，毫不含糊。

“波莉？”他轻声地问着，语气里充满了恐惧。“你想要波莉？”

“是的。”

他狠狠地扔下大衣，坚定地说：“你休想。”

我耸了耸肩，说道“那好，你不想赶上潮流了吧！很好！那是你的事。”

“穿上大衣试试。”我说。

他照做。衣服很长，包住了脚，拖到地上，盖住了鞋子，整个人就像是裹在里面，看上去像是一堆浣熊尸体。

“太合身了。”他高兴地手舞足蹈。

我站起身，问道：“那我们就成交了？”同时伸出右手。

他忍痛割爱。“成交”，说着握了握我的手。

次日晚上，我和波莉就进行了第一次约会。这次约会是为了弄清她的底细，我想搞清她的智力水平，这样我才能对症下药，同时知道自己要下多大的工夫改

⑥clutch 英 ［klʌtʃ］ 美 ［klʌtʃ］ n. 离合器；控制；手；紧急关头 vi. 攫；企图抓住 vt. 抓住；紧握Modern clutch purse looks like a real can of Coca-Cola.

看着很像一听真的可口可乐的时尚手握式钱包。

⑦conclude 英 ［kən'kluːd］ 美 ［kən'klud］ vt. 推断；决定，作结论；结束 vi. 推断；断定；决定conclude with 以……结束conclude a contract 订立合同 conclude an agreement 达成协议造她，最终让自己满意。

思前想后，我决定教她逻辑。作为法律系的学生，我碰巧也在上逻辑课，所以手头有充足的事例。第二次接她出来后，我对她说：“波莉宝贝，今晚我们到小山丘上谈谈吧！”

“哦，太棒了。”她回应。我对这个女孩的评价是：你再也找不到更没主见的姑娘了！

“我们看看以偏概全（Hasty Generalization亦称轻率归纳）。听仔细咯：你不会说法语，皮特·贝洛斯也不会说法语。那我就可以得出结论：明尼苏达大学里没人会说法语。”

“真的吗？”波莉震惊了，“真的没有吗？”

我掩去心头的不悦，说道：“波莉。这是个谬误！这个结论太草率了。支撑这个结论的个例实在太少了。”

“你还知道更多的谬误吗？”她屏气凝神，“我发现逻辑比跳舞还有趣呢！”

绝望在我心头涌动，但我压制住了。我绝不和这女孩一起出去了，绝不！但如果不坚持到底，我就一无所成，一无所得。于是，我克制着继续。

这足足花了我五个晚上，搞得我精疲力竭。但一切都是值得的，我让波莉变得很有逻辑，我教会了她思考，我的工作算是完成了。她终于成为了配得上我的女生，她将是我理想的妻子，是我众多豪宅的女主人，是我富有的孩子们的母亲。

“波莉，”坐在橡树下，我对她说，“今晚我们不谈谬误了。”

“真讨厌。”她失望地说。

“亲爱的，”我对她温柔地一笑，说，“我们已经一起度过五个晚上了，我们相处地很愉快，很显然，我们是多么的登对。”

“这是以偏概全。”波莉欢快地说。

“你说什么？”我问道。

“以偏概全。”她重复了一遍。“仅仅只有5个晚上，你怎么能说我们很般配呢？”

我轻笑了两声，很是高兴，这孩子真是学得太不错了。

“波莉，我爱你。你是我的全世界，你是皎洁的月亮，是明亮的星星，是外太空所有的星座。亲爱的，当我的女朋友吧！没有你，我的人生将黯然失色，惨淡无光，失去意义；我会为你消得人憔悴，三餐无味；我会形单影只地徘徊在街头，步履蹒跚，眼窝深陷。”

这总该行了吧，我想着，将两只手臂交叉在胸前。

“转移论题，”波莉说。我气的两行牙齿直打架。

“好吧，波莉。”我强挤出一抹微笑，说道，“很显然，你谬误学的很好。”

“你说得完全正确，”她用力地点点头。

“那是谁教你的呢？”

“你。”

“那就对了。所以这是你欠我的，是不是呢？亲爱的。如果没遇到我，你就永远不会学会谬误。”

“虚拟假设，”她不假思索地答道。

汗水从我的眉毛上滚下。

真是作茧自缚啊！我都急的跳脚了，向公牛般的狂吼道：“你到底要不要做我的女朋友啦！”

“不。”她答。

“为什么？”我刨根问底。

“因为今天下午皮特·贝罗斯让我当他的女友，我同意了。”

用了巨大的意志，我才调整了自己的声音。“好吧，”我无奈地说，“你是个逻辑学家了。那我们就用逻辑来分析这件事。你为什么选皮特而不选我呢？你能用逻辑来解释你为什么要跟皮特吗？”我，聪慧过人，前途无量。皮特，动辄紧张，永远吃了上顿没下顿。

“当然，”波莉说。“他有一件熊皮大衣。”

Love Is Fallacy