小红莓果酱有话要说

by Will Stephen

No， trust me， I get it. Im the cute one. Im sweet， Im red， and I plop[扑通落下] out of a can. Its fun. Its endearing[讨人喜欢的].

But enough is enough[适可而止]. My therapist[（心理）治疗师] told me to be direct about my feelings—to really engage with[建立友好关系] everyone—so before you all dig in and give your thanks， I would like to say a few things that have been on my mind for a while now. Because damn it， Im a legitimate[正统的] part of the meal， and its about time I was treated as such.

Ahem.

Plainly[明白地] put， Im very， very sad. OK？ Hurt， humiliated[屈辱]， a little fed up[厌倦] maybe. Whatever you want to call it， something clearly isnt right here， and we—well， I was about to say we all know it， but judging from the looks on all of your faces， I seem to be the only one who thought there was a problem. Am I correct？ Wow. All right. Unbelievable[难以置信].

没错，相信我，我搞得很清楚。我就是一萌物。甜甜的，红红的，扑通一声从罐头跳出来，多有趣，多讨喜啊！

但适可而止吧！我的理疗师告诉我要直面自己的情感——才能真正地与所有人交好——所以在你们挖空所有来表达感谢之前，我想趁现在把这段时间以来积压在心头的话一吐为快。因为，该死的，我可是饮食部队里的正规军，是时候被名副其实地对待了。

呃哼。

坦白说，我相当、相当伤心。懂吗？受伤，受辱，也许还有点厌倦了。不管你想怎么形容吧，很明显这里有些地方不对头，而且我们——哦，我打算要说的是，这事儿我们都心知肚明，但从你们的表情来看，我似乎是唯一一个意识到问题存在的“人”。我说的对不对？哇哦！好吧！难以置信。

There goes a whole year spent planning this moment to a T[丝毫不差地]， but you know what—hey， no problemo[（西班牙）没问题]. Happy to accommodate[适应]. I guess its my fault for assuming I was anything more than a glorified[美化了的] dipping sauce[蘸酱] to you people.

Look， do you think I dont see what you see？ Im disgusting[令人厌恶的]. I stick out like a sore[疼痛的] thumb. A red， wobbly[摆动的] sore thumb. Plopped down on this table with the ridges[山脊] from my can still branded[铭刻] into my side， shaming me—your store-bought freak[怪物]， your high-caloric[卡路里] Hester Prynne注1. You could at least slice[切片] me and give me an ounce[盎司] of dignity[尊严]. But no， thats life， baby. Thats me： Thanksgivings Elephant Man注2. Just the cold， wet afterthought to a piping-hot[滚烫的] feast cooked with patience and love. Here to jiggle[摇晃] for you， to be cut with a spoon， and to silently weep.

God， and to think that I spent years in factories， in boxes， on trucks and on shelves， all to be hidden behind your basted[涂油烤的]， seasoned[调过味的]， and—lets be honest—pretty overcooked “delicacies[佳肴].”For what？ For this. You know， I deserve[应得] some credit for even being a part of this tradition. To say the odds were against me[面临重重困难] would be putting it mildly[温和地]. But I earned this. Because guess what？ Deep down[事实上]， Im good.

人家为了恰到好处地展现这一时刻都已经准备了一整年，但你猜怎么着——嘿，没问题，快乐地去适应吧。我猜，认为我对于你们人类来说远不止是一种受赞美的蘸酱是我的错。

看吧，你们以为我没有看到你们之所见吗？我令人恶心。我竖起的样子像酸痛的拇指，一根涨红的、摇摆的酸痛拇指。扑通一声掉到桌子上，身上带着罐头盒子留下的山脊状纹路，让我蒙羞——你这个从商店买来的怪物，你这个高卡路里的海丝特·白兰。你们至少给我切下片，给我一盎司的尊严吧！但是没有，乖乖，这就是生活。这就是我：感恩节的象人。仅仅是用爱心和耐心烹饪的热乎乎的美味后才想起来的又湿又冷的小东西。（我）在这儿为你们摇晃，被你们用勺子切开，然后默默哭泣。

老天！想想我在工厂里、盒子里、卡车里和货架上呆的这些年，只是为了被涂在你们抹了油的、调过味的，以及——让我实话实说吧——烹饪得相当过头的“美味佳肴”上。为的是什么？为了这个。要知道，作为烹调传统的一份子，我理应得到赞扬。说我面临重重困难还太轻描淡写呢。但这是我应受的（赞扬）。因为你猜怎么着？实际上，我很棒的。

And you know what？ Youre not. Youre disgusting. The way you people talk， belch[打嗝]， and indulge[沉溺] in your orgies[狂欢会] of savory[可口的] fats. What a feast！ What a spread[宴会]！ Oh， the turkey looks divine[天赐的]！ Did you make this stuffing[填料] yourself？ These yams[洋芋]， good heavens！ Try the sprouts[豆芽菜]！ Who brought the sweet-potato casserole[焙盘]？ Well I am not leaving here without that recipe[食谱]！

And oh， what is that … cranberry sauce？

Yeah. It is.

It is cranberry sauce.

But no， you know what？ Screw it[管他呢]. I can join in the fun. I can give thanks. Oh， I can definitely give thanks. Lets go around the table， shall we？

Im thankful to Debbie for serving me on a goddamn plate， allowing me to slide off onto the tablecloth a grand total of four times.

Im thankful to Frank for running back into the kitchen to get that novelty[新奇的小玩意] spoon to serve me with， like I wasnt already everybodys monkey in a sailor suit.

Im thankful to little Jack for running his stupid six-year-old mouth and saying I taste like candy.

Im thankful to Aunt Beth for agreeing with him like hes the child she never was able to have. （Still alone， by the way.）

Im thankful to wide-eyed[天真的] college gal[姑娘] Kate for saying that the only good thing about me is that Im vegan[素食的]. Keep making a difference. The world needs you.

Im thankful to dumb[没有说话能力的] baby Julie for mashing[捣碎] me onto her face and making me the key player in her desperate[不顾一切的]， pandering[迎合] clown[小丑] routine[固定节目].

知道吗？你们很烂。你们令人作呕。你们人类聊天打嗝的方式，还有你们沉溺于美味的肥肉狂欢的样子，统统令人作呕。多么丰盛的酒席！多么盛大的宴会！哦，这火鸡看上去犹如天赐般美妙！ 这些填馅是你自己做的吗？这些洋芋，老天啊！尝尝这些芽菜！这个番薯焙盘是谁带来的？嗯，没拿到那份食谱我是不会离开这里的。

还有，哦，这是什么？小红莓果酱？

没错。是的。

就是小红莓果酱。

但是不，你知道什么？管他呢。我也会凑热闹。我会作致谢词。对，我绝对会。不如我们绕着桌子转一圈，如何？

感谢黛比，感谢她把我放在那个该死的盘子上，好让我能够滑到桌布上，整整四次呢。

感谢弗兰克，感谢他跑回厨房去拿那个用来伺候我的新奇火鸡勺，好像我还不是大家那个穿着水手服的猴子似的。

感谢小杰克，感谢他用那张六岁的小蠢嘴说我尝起来像糖果。