学得好,嫁得好

Today women earn almost 60 percent of all bachelors degrees and more than half of masters and Ph.D.s.2 Many people believe that, while this may be good for women as income earners, it bodes ill for their marital prospects.3

American women face “a radically shrinking pool of what are traditionally considered to be ‘marriageable men—those who are better educated and earn more than they do.”4 Educated women worry that they are scaring away potential partners, and pundits claim that those who do marry will end up with unsatisfactory matches.5 They point to outdated studies suggesting that women with higher earnings than their husbands do more housework to compensate for the threat to their mates egos.6

Is this really the fate facing educated heterosexual7 women: either no marriage at all or a marriage with more housework? Nonsense8. That may have been the case in the past, but no longer. For a woman seeking a satisfying relationship as well as a secure economic future, there has never been a better time to be or become highly educated.

For more than a century, women often were forced to choose between an education and a husband. Of women who graduated from college before 1900, more than three-quarters remained single. As late as 1950, one-third of white female college graduates ages 55 to 59 had never married, compared with only 7 percent of their counterparts9 without college degrees.

Some of these women chose to stay single, of course, and that choice has always been easier and more rewarding for educated women. But the low marriage rates of educated women in the past were also because of the romantic and sexual prejudices of men.

That is exactly what happened in the mid-20th century. From 1940 to the mid-1970s, the tendency for men to marry down educationally became more pronounced and the cultural ideal of hypergamy—that women must marry up—became more insistent.10

Postwar dating manuals advised women to “play dumb” to catch a man11—and 40 percent of college women in one survey said they actually did so. Men in the postwar period were threatened by the thought of a woman with more or even as much education as they had.

But over the past 30 years, these prejudices have largely disappeared. By 1996, intelligence and education had moved up to No. 5 on mens ranking of desirable qualities in a mate. The desire for a good cook and housekeeper had dropped to 14th place, near the bottom of the 18-point scale. The sociologist Christine B. Whelan reports that by 2008, mens interest in a womans education and intelligence had risen to No. 4, just after mutual attraction, dependable character and emotional stability.12

The result has been a historic reversal of what the economist Elaina Rose calls the “success” penalty for educated women.13 By 2008, the percentage of college-educated white women ages 55 to 59 who had never been married was down to 9 percent, just 3 points higher than their counterparts without college degrees. And among women 35 to 39, there was no longer any difference in the percentage who were married.

African-American women are less likely to marry than white women overall, but educated black women are considerably more likely to marry than their less-educated counterparts. As of 2008, 70 percent of African-American female college graduates had married, compared with 60 percent of high school graduates and just 53 percent of high school dropouts14.

One reason educated heterosexual women may worry about their marriage prospects today is that overall marriage rates have been slipping since 1980. But they have slipped less for educated women than for anyone else. Furthermore, college-educated women, once they do marry, are much less likely to divorce. As a result, by age 30, and especially at ages 35 and 40, college-educated women are significantly more likely to be married than any other group. And according to calculations15 by the economist Betsey Stevenson, an educated woman still single at age 40 is much more likely to marry in the next decade than her less educated counterparts.

Even for women who dont marry, its better to be educated; a 2002 study found that never-married white women with more education than average lived “the longest, healthiest lives of all groups.”

One of the dire16 predictions about educated women is true: today, more of them are “marrying down.” Almost 30 percent of wives today have more education than their husbands, while less than 20 percent of husbands have more education than their wives, almost the exact reverse of the percentages in 1970. But there is not a shred of17 evidence that such marriages are any less satisfying than marriages in which men have equal or higher education than their wives. Indeed, they have many benefits for women.

Certainly, some guys are still threatened by a womans achievements. But scaring these types off might be a good thing. The men most likely to feel emotional and physical distress when their wives have a higher status or income tend to be those who are more invested in their identity as breadwinners than as partners and who define success in materialistic ways.18 Both these traits are associated with lower marital quality.

The most important predictor of marital happiness for a woman is not how much she looks up to her husband but how sensitive he is to her emotional cues and how willing he is to share the housework and child-care.19 And those traits are often easier to find in a low-key guy than a powerhouse.20

I am not arguing that women ought to “settle21.” I am arguing that we can now expect more of a mate than we could when we depended on men for our financial security, social status and sense of accomplishment.

1. M.R.S.:=Mrs.，夫人，太太（跟已婚妇女谈话或通信时用于其姓氏之前的尊称）；Ph.D.: 博士。

2. bachelor: 学士；master: 硕士。

3. 许多人相信，尽管这也许有助于女性的收入增长，但对他们的婚姻前景却不利。bode ill: 凶多吉少。

4. 美国女性面临着“传统上认为的‘适婚男性锐减的状况——这些男性接受的教育更高，赚得也比她们多。”

5. scare away: 把……吓跑；potential: 有可能的；pundit: 权威，专家；match:婚姻。

6. outdated: 过时的；compensate for: 补偿；ego: 自尊。

7. heterosexual: 异性恋的。

8. nonsense: 荒谬的想法/看法。

9. counterpart: 与对方地位相当的人。

10. 从1940年至20世纪70年代中期，男性娶的女性受教育程度没自己高的趋势更加显著，高攀（指女性嫁给受教育程度比自己好的男性）的文化理想也愈加引人注目。

11. manual: 指南；play dumb: 装傻。

12. 社会学家Christine B. Whelan称：到2008年，男性对女性受教育程度和智力的兴趣已经上升到第四位了，仅次于相互吸引、可靠的品质和情感的稳定性。

13. reversal: 反转，倒转；penalty: 惩罚。

14. dropout: 辍学者。

15. calculation: 估计，预测。

16. dire: 灾难的，可怕的。

17. shred of sth.: 一丁点，丝毫。

18. distress: 忧虑，苦恼；breadwinner: 挣钱养家的人。

19. predictor: 预示物；cue: 暗示。

20. low-key: 低调的；powerhouse:权贵。

21. settle:（使）平静，（使）安定。

阅读感评

当今的女性普遍推迟结婚年龄，或者在人们以为最佳的婚姻机会期选择单身，理由当然有很多，但据我观察，比较关键的几项恐怕是女性越来越看重教育、职业以及独立性，女性似乎也学会了过去男性所遵循“先立业再成家”的训诫，而这是需要时间与精力去完成的。

然而，婚育的后延并不意味着当今女性的生活或婚姻质量一定会受到多大的影响，即便独身也非世界的末日，毕竟当今的女性有着更多更自由的选择，不再是“非此即彼”了。虽然老传统认为“女子无才便是德”、“有学位的女人最难伺候”、“Never flirt with women with glasses (‘别与戴眼镜的女人调情‘，即‘别招惹知识女性)”，但这个世界不管你承认不承认，女性的崛起（rise of women）以及传统男性强势地位的相对式微（decline of males）已是社会发展的趋势。在传统社会里，女性把婚姻当作维持基本生活的靠山，所谓“嫁汉、嫁汉，穿衣吃饭”即是，其角色是充当贤妻良母，核心任务是相夫教子。然而，到了现代时期，女性在家庭中的地位发生了根本变化，所谓“女主内，男主外”甚至“妻管严”即为写照。到了最近几十年，更多的女性更是显示了良好的教育与出色的能力，不再满足于在家庭里“当家”，更愿意到社会上一展身手，成就不凡，于是女领导、女富豪越来越多，而且妻子的收入比丈夫多甚至妻子成为家庭主要的经济来源也就并不罕见了。

其实，更加强大的女性能为另一半分担社会的压力，何尝不是男性的福分！在此方面，以男性为中心、崇尚男权的东方社会往往难以接受，尤其是深受男尊女卑等儒家传统思想浸染的东亚人更是不予认同。一些年前，我曾经从我的法语外教处听说一位摩洛哥男性在法国的不幸遭遇。一位法国女孩大学毕业后去摩洛哥教法语，爱上了一位摩洛哥青年，并结了婚。摩洛哥青年也是大学毕业，并有一个收入不错且体面的工作，小两口生活得很是幸福。但几年后，法国女孩合同到期，说服丈夫与她一同回到法国。妻子很快找到了工作，但丈夫的求职之路却异常艰辛，一直找不到合适的工作，于是这位摩洛哥丈夫只得居家做家务，而妻子工作养家糊口。没过多久，摩洛哥人由于抑郁而精神失常。

对类似的“尴尬”境地，素来有尊重妇女传统再加以经历20世纪60年代妇女解放运动洗礼的西方人接受起来就会洒脱得多。2011年，美国的一项调查显示，美国女性入职比例首次超过男性；此前一年，还有一项数据对男性不利：22—30岁之间的单身无子女职场人士，女性比男性的收入平均高8%；而2012年，据原文作者称，60%多的学士学位、半数以上的硕士和博士学位都是由女性获得的。总之，男性不管在教育、职业还是收入上都每况愈下，前景堪忧。对此，美国男性似乎并未显得手足无措，而是予以认同，并与时俱进地在择偶标准上把女方的“intelligence and education”往上挪了好多位，高居老四，硬生生地把男性本来非常重视的“美貌”挤到了第八位。

女性摆脱传统社会设定的种种框框的压抑，融入社会的进程，不仅是一种进步，而且对于男性，如果能抛弃以老大自居的臭架子，也是有百利而无一害的。男女如果在教育、社会地位乃至经济上能更为平等，那么她们在婚姻上最终就不会对“marrying up”“marrying down”斤斤计较了，于是能力、体貌、钱袋子不怎么出众的男性就会有更多的机会。当然，这并不是说男性从此就不必奋斗专等“吃软饭”的机会了。我们看好的是这可能会导致更纯粹的婚姻，其真谛无非是一种相互的陪伴与各自承担的责任，一种不同性别间能力互补的伙伴关系，而非利益与虚荣的交易场所。