利用细节描写，塑造人物形象

广东 龙艳琴

【问题导读】

读后续写要求学生在阅读完材料后，根据要求和提示句把文章未写完的部分补充完整，使之构成一个完整的故事。因此，从某种意义上来说，读后续写就是写一篇微型小说。对于作为小说基本要素之一的“人物”，我们可以从多个角度进行描写，从而达到塑造人物性格、展现人物形象的目的。在学生的读后续写中，往往存在叙述过多、缺少描写的问题，这导致续写的故事不够形象生动，而更像是流水账。

【名师导学】

在读后续写中要塑造生动逼真的人物形象，离不开细节描写。描写不同于叙述，它是通过细节的刻画来展现人物的思想、性格和价值观。细节描写的维度包括人物描写和环境描写等。人物描写又可以具体分为外貌描写、动作描写、对话描写和心理描写。环境描写则包含场景描写和自然环境描写。

【案例导引】

阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。

My hearing aid was a box that was tied to my shoulders and hung from my neck. I carried it because when I was young, I became deaf. After consulting with a lot of educational experts, doctors and parents of other deaf children, my parents decided to send me to a school where all of my classmates and teachers would have normal hearing, instead of sending me to a private school for the deaf. So I was the only deaf child at Blue Creek Elementary School.

I experienced great anxiety throughout elementary school because, in addition to the problems of fitting in with the other students, I also struggled with most of my schoolwork. I seemed to spend every spare moment doing homework just so I could keep up. I could feel that my parents and teachers were deeply disappointed in me because of my academic struggles. The teachers didn't know what to do with me nor did they show much interest in any of my poor performances.

My hearing disability required me to ask everyone from time to time, “What did he or she say?” I worried that everyone would soon grow tired of repeating everything back to me.When the kids made fun of me, I had no way but to accept it. I was sure that I was a bad person; my self-esteem (自尊心) was quite low. I saw myself as an ugly kid wearing a box around his neck who wasn't even smart enough to keep up with the rest of the other kids.

Mrs Jordan, my 5th grade teacher, changed all of that with a simple two-word phrase.One morning, she asked the class a question. I read her lips from my front-row seat and immediately raised my hand. I couldn't believe it—for once I knew the answer.

注意：续写词数应为150左右。

Paragraph 1:

But, when she called on me, I was afraid.

Paragraph 2:

For the first time in my young life, I was a star in my class.

文本解读

一、厘清语篇要素，为人物刻画奠定基础

本文的故事梗概：有听力障碍的“我”上了一所普通学校，除了生活上的不便，在学业上“我”也遇到了比正常孩子更多的困难——被同学嘲笑，遭老师冷落，让父母失望，直到遇见乔丹老师，才出现转机。

1. 基本要素梳理

内容Mrs Jordan and I_____________________________________________________________one morning_________________________________________________________________in the classroom I knew the answer to Mrs Jordan's question but I was afraid to speak out the answer.________I was the only deaf child in the school and both my parents and teachers were________disappointed with me.要素__W____ho_Whe___n Where__Wh____at Why

2. 故事情节分析

二、抓住人物性格特点，助力续写时人物刻画的协同

根据文章以下描述“When I was young, I became deaf.”“I experienced great anxiety throughout elementary school.”“I also struggled with most of my schoolwork. I could feel that my parents and teachers were deeply disappointed in me.”“I worried that everyone would soon grow tired of repeating everything back to me. When the kids made fun of me, I had no way but to accept it. I was sure that I was a bad person; my self-esteem was quite low. I saw myself as an ugly kid wearing a box around his neck who wasn't even smart enough to keep up with the rest of the other kids.”可知，故事的主人公在遇到乔丹老师之前，是一个被同学嘲笑、遭老师冷落、让父母失望的有听力障碍的孩子。

三、利用细节描写塑造人物形象

根据续写部分第一段的段首句“But, when she called on me, I was afraid.”，并综合前文对人物的性格分析，我们可以推断出续写部分第一段的内容应为“我”站起来回答老师问题前的害怕和焦虑，以及同学们和老师对此的反应。因此，为了与前文人物性格保持一致，我们可以用细节描写的方式对人物的动作和心理进行刻画，如在描写“我”站起来回答问题前的情景时，可用以下句子刻画人物内心紧张和害怕的心理：

1. My head was sweating and my heart was pounding. （动作和心理描写）

2. I froze on my seat, still and trembling. （动作和心理描写）

在描写乔丹老师对“我”的鼓励时，我们可用以下句子刻画乔丹老师的善良和对学生的耐心：

3. She wore a sweet smile on her face, nodding and signaling me to reply. （动作描写）

在老师的鼓励下，“我”终于鼓起勇气站起来，我们可用以下句子描写主人公的变化和成长：

4. With her encouragement, I stood up slowly and offered my answer. （动作描写）

在“我”回答问题之后，我们可用以下句子描写老师的反应并进行人物刻画：

5. “Good job,” said Mrs Jordan with amazement and delight. （语言描写）

该句更直观地体现了乔丹老师的善良，同时也很好地衔接了前文的“Mrs Jordan...changed all of that with a simple two-word phrase.”。

在“我”回答问题之后，我们可用以下句子描写同学们的反应并进行人物刻画：

6. My classmates were shocked at the very beginning and then burst into thundering applause. （心理和动作描写）

根据续写部分第二段的段首句“For the first time in my young life, I was a star in my class.”可推断，该段的内容为主人公获得认可和重拾信心后的心理变化，因此我们可用以下句子刻画主人公的变化和成长：

7. Hearing such touching praise and warm applause, I stood there, embarrassed but excited. （动作和心理描写）

8.I couldn't find a suitable word to describe my feelings there and then, but I did feel tears streaming down my face. （心理描写）

9. I gradually cheered myself up, regained my confidence and never let my weakness prevent me trying. （心理描写）

参考范文

Paragraph 1:

But, when she called on me, I was afraid.My head was sweating and my heart was pounding. Everyone in the classroom was waiting, silent, while I froze on my seat, still and trembling. A moment later, some students began to whisper and even shrugged, showing impatience and disrespect. However, Mrs Jordan made a stop sign and turned to me. She wore a sweet smile on her face, nodding and signaling me to reply. With her encouragement, I stood up slowly and offered my answer. “Good job,” said Mrs Jordan with amazement and delight. My classmates were shocked at the very beginning and then burst into thundering applause.

Paragraph 2:

For the first time in my young life, I was a star in my class.Hearing such touching praise and warm applause, I stood there, embarrassed but excited. I couldn't find a suitable word to describe my feelings there and then, but I did feel tears streaming down my face.All those self-doubt moments disappeared completely at that time. That was a turning point of my life. I gradually cheered myself up, regained my confidence and never let my weakness prevent me trying. So grateful was I to Mrs Jordan that even today I could never forget her simple two-word phrase and inspiring smile, which meant a lot to me.

【模拟导练】

阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。

In a quiet little village surrounded by rolling hills, Lucy and her brother Max were walking to the family's strawberry fields to pick some strawberries when they came across an injured baby owl (猫头鹰). The tiny owl was lying on the ground, with one of its wings badly hurt and its big brown eyes looking helplessly at the teens. Lucy and Max were animal lovers and they knew they had to do something to help the poor little creature.

“We have to save this baby owl, Max,” Lucy said as she crouched down beside the bird.

Max nodded, “I agree. But where can we take it?”

Lucy thought for a moment and then remembered a wildlife rehabilitation center (野生动物康复中心) located a few miles away. They quickly placed the baby owl in the small box they had planned to put strawberries in. Max took off his shirt to cover the box to keep the bird warm. They carefully placed the box in their backpack and headed out to the center.

The journey was not without its challenges. The skies suddenly darkened and the rain began to pour down, wetting Lucy and Max completely in seconds. But they were determined to save the baby owl, so they trudged on (步履艰难地走), searching for shelter from the rain. They finally found a big tree to hide under and huddled (蜷缩) together, trying to keep the box dry.

As the rain continued to fall, Lucy and Max looked at the baby owl in the box. It was so small and weak. They felt a sense of determination and protectiveness towards the little bird. They knew that they had to save it, no matter what.

Gradually, the rain got weaker and Lucy and Max continued their journey. They walked along a winding path, which was wet and slippery. They had to use some tree branches as walking sticks to provide them with extra support and to ensure their stability.

注意：续写词数应为150左右。

Paragraph 1:

Lucy and Max finally approached the wildlife rehabilitation center, wet and dirty.

Paragraph 2:

The weeks passed quickly, and one day Lucy and Max received a call from the head of the wildlife rehabilitation center.

【评价导思】

1. 续写这篇文章的时候，我用了哪些细节描写来塑造人物形象？

2. 在续写中，我用细节描写塑造的人物形象是否与前文的人物在性格上保持了一致？

3. 在细节描写方面，我还有哪些地方做得不够？