优化动作描写，刻画人物形象

莫炎芬

【问题导读】

当前的读后续写大都是要求续写人物的经历，补充后续的故事情节。这种记叙性的文体离不开对动作、环境、心理、外貌、语言、神态等方面的描写。不少同学受制于有限的语言表达能力，又缺乏有效的针对性训练，这导致续写内容过于平淡、人物形象苍白、语言空洞，读起来索然无味，毫无感染力。因此，重视描写性的语言素材积累，加强专项训练就十分必要。

动作描写是读后续写中的一项重要微技能。我们在读原文时，可以通过关注文中的动作描写来快速梳理文章的情节，分析人物的性格，感受文章的语言风格。在续写时，我们可以通过描写人物的具体动作来推动情节发展、塑造人物形象和展现人物性格。

【名师导学】

通过优化动作描写，文章不仅可以反映人物的身份、地位，还可以体现人物的心理活动过程，从而使人物的性格特征跃然纸上。因此，一篇优秀的读后续写离不开生动形象的动作描写。

进行动作描写时，不是不加选择地对所有人物的所有動作都进行描写，而是要对能够体现人物性格特征的动作进行准确、生动地描写。成功的动作描写，可以通过选择准确的动词、合适的状语和合理的句式来实现。

另外，我们平时要有积累意识，把课文、练习和课外阅读中碰到的有关动作描写的词句摘抄下来。我们可以按照动作的类型来积累，如可以分为眼、手、口等不同的身体部位的动作，还可以分为走、跑、跳、笑、哭等动作。

【案例导引】

阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。

I was a vet in Yorkshire. One day I received a call from Mrs Tompkin asking me to cuther budgies （虎皮鹦鹉） beak （喙）. I dropped what I was doing immediately， armed myself

with a pair of clippers and stepped onto the narrow strip of pavement which separated thedoor from the road. A pleasant looking red?haired woman answered my knock. “Im Mrs Dodds next door，”she said.“I keep an eye on the old lady. Shes over eightyand lives alone.”

Chatting with me friendly， she led me into the cramped little room， and said to the oldwoman in a corner，“Heres Mr Herriot coming to see Peter for you.”Mrs Tompkin noddedand smiled，“Oh thats good. The poor little fella can hardly eat with its long beak and Imworried about him. Hes my only companion， you know.”

“Yes， I understand， Mrs Tompkin.”I looked at the cage by the window with the greenbudgie perched（栖息）inside.“These little birds can be wonderful company when theystart chattering.”

She laughed.“Yes， but its a funny thing. Peter never has said that much. I think heslazy！ But I just like having him with me.”

“Of course you do，”I replied patiently，“but he certainly needs attention now.”

The beak was greatly overgrown， curving away down till it touched the feathers of thebreast. I would be able to revolutionize his life with one quick snip from my clippers. Theway I was feeling this job was right up my street. I opened the cage door and slowly inserted my hand. “Come on， Peter，”I wheedled（哄骗）. Lifting him out， I hunted in my pocket with theother hand for the clippers， and then stopped. The tiny head was no longer poking cheekily from my fingers but had fallen loosely toone side. The eyes were closed. He was dead. Mrs Dodds and I stared at each other in horror. When I turned my head towards MrsTompkin， I was surprised to see that she was still nodding and smiling. I drew her neighbor to one side.“Mrs Dodds， how much does she see？”

“Oh， shes very short?sighted， but shes right vain despite her age. Never would shewear glasses. Shes hard of hearing， too. ”

“Well， look，”I said. My heart was still pounding.“I just dont know what to do. If Itell her about this， the shock will be terrible. Anything could happen.”

Mrs Dodds nodded with a sad face.“Yes， youre right. Shes that attached to the littlething. ”

注意：续写词数应为150左右。

Paragraph 1：

Suddenly it occurred to me that I could buy her a new bird in the nearby store.______

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Paragraph 2：

It was a long time before I dared to go back to Mrs Tompkins to see how she got along with the new bird._________________________________________________________________

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一、厘清文本内容，明确语篇主题

（一）原文要素

（二）原文主题

本文讲述了一位兽医被叫去为一位独居老人的虎皮鹦鹉剪喙的故事。兽医发现这只虎皮鹦鹉事实上已经死了，但是因为老人的视力和听力都欠佳，所以她并未发现。为了不让老人失去她唯一的伙伴，兽医决定不告诉老人真相，还要为她买一只相似的虎皮鹦鹉。故事体现了对老人和弱势群体的关爱。

二、品读原文经典，领悟动作描写

（一）精选动词，力求精准描述

【例1】I armed myself with a pair of clippers.

我准备好了一把剪子。

【例2】I keep an eye on the old lady.

我照看著那位老太太。

【例3】I hunted in my pocket with the other hand for the clippers.

我用另一只手在口袋里找剪刀。

【例4】My heart was still pounding.

我的心还在狂跳。

评析与点拨：根据人物所处的环境和性格特点，选用准确恰当的动词能把人物刻画得活灵活现，同时也能让读者在具体的语境中体会到夸张或幽默等表达效果。如果上面四个例子中的四个粗体动词（词组）分别用prepared、look after、looked for、beating来替换，各个句子就会变得平平淡淡，读起来索然无味。从应试的角度来看，准确地选用动词，能体现考生的语言水平，是作文获得高分的基础。

要准确地选用动词，通常需要运用具体动词替代笼统动词。请体会下表中左右两列动词在表达准确性方面的差异。

另外，运用恰当的短语替代普通动词也是常用的技巧之一。请体会下表中左右两列在表达效果方面的差异。

（二）添加状语，实现生动描写

【例5】Chatting with me friendly...

和我友好地聊着天……

【例6】“Of course you do，”I replied patiently，“but he certainly needs attention now.”

“你当然喜欢，”我耐心地回答，“但他现在肯定需要照顾。”

【例7】I opened the cage door and slowly inserted my hand.

我打开笼子的门，慢慢地把手伸进去。

【例8】Mrs Dodds and I stared at each other in horror.

多兹太太和我惊恐地面面相觑。

评析与点拨：利用副词、介词短语等状语来修饰动词，能表现动作发生的状态、程度、方式等特点，也能让读者产生画面感。例句中的粗体状语能更好地体现出人物的性格品质和内心活动，这对塑造人物形象、主题升华都有重要的作用。

我们在平时的学习中，要有意识地积累地道的修饰语并分类整理，建立自己的语言素材库。比如，在描写动作的快速、短暂时，我们可以选用下列修饰语：rapidly、immediately、speedily、swiftly、instantly、promptly、hastily、without pausing、in no time、inan instant、without delay等。

（三）细化动作，写出连动过程

【例9】I dropped what I was doing immediately， armed myself with a pair of clippers

and stepped onto the narrow strip of pavement which separated the door from the road.

我立刻放下手头的工作，拿起一把剪刀，踏上了那道门与路之间的狭长人行道。

【例10】Chatting with me friendly， she led me into the cramped little room， and said to the old woman in a corner，“Heres Mr Herriot coming to see Peter for you.”

她和我友好地聊着天，把我领进那间狭窄的小房间，对角落里的老妇人说：“赫里奥特先生来看彼得了。”

【例11】I opened the cage door and slowly inserted my hand.

我打开笼子的门，慢慢地把手伸进去。

【例12】Lifting him out， I hunted in my pocket with the other hand for the  clippers，and then stopped.

我把他抱了出来，另一只手在口袋里找剪刀，然后停了下来。

评析与点拨：空洞、笼统的动作描写无助于人物形象的塑造。事实上，不管是简单还是复杂的动作都不是一下子就能完成的。我们若能进行细致观察，就能捕捉到一连串细微的动作。我们应把最能体现人物特征的连续动作提炼出来并形成动作链，写出具有连贯性的动感画面，使人物形象更生动、立体。

连动的描写可以是最简单的两个动作的描写（如例11），用“A and B”的句式；也可以是三连动（如例9），使用“A， B and C”的句式；甚至可以是更多个动作连续发生，使用“A， B， C， ...and X”的句式。另外也可以借助分词作状语的手段来描写（如例10、例12），使用“doing/having done...+主干”或“主干+doing...and doing...”的句式。当然这些都是基本的句式结构，在实际使用中可以有更灵活的变化，还可以加上必要的形容词或副词来修饰，从而写出更细腻的动作，使动作描写更有层次感和画面感。

三、做针对性练习，提升专项技能

请根据中文意思，在下列句子的空格处填上合适的单词或短语。

1. 妈妈睡着以后，他从后门溜了出去。

After his mother fell asleep， he_________ out by the back door.

2. 他嘀咕道：“她怎么敢！”

“How dare she！”he_________.

3. 他突然大哭起來，气呼呼地跑了。

He_________and stormed off.

4. 狼没有动，默默地瞪着我。

The wolf didnt move，_________ .

5. 她拖着脚，不情愿地跟在她的父母后面。

She_________her feet as she followed her parents.

6. 那个猎人手里提着枪冲进了树林。

The hunter dashed into the forest， _________.

7. 她冲上前去，跪在地上，把儿子抱在怀里。

She dashed forward， _________and gathered her son into her arms.

8. 那个歌手看了观众一眼，深吸了一口气，开始唱歌。

The singer at_________ the audience， _________and began to sing.

9. 他们站在空旷的路旁，仰望天空，感受着内心珍贵的平静。

_________beside the empty road， they looked up into the sky， feeling the precious peace from within.

10. 贝贝垂着胳膊，坐在池边，不知道自己是对还是错。

With his arms_________ ， Beibei sat beside the pool，_________ whether he was right or wrong.

【参考范文】

学习下面的参考范文，体会文中的动作描写。

Paragraph 1：

Suddenly it occurred to me that I could buy her a new bird in the nearby store. MrsDodds also thought it was a good idea and even suggested one in the town. I calmed down，cleared my throat， and informed Mrs Tompkin that I was going to take Peter along to thesurgery to do the job. I left her still nodding and smiling and， cage in hand， fled into thestreet. I soon found the shop and luckily there was a green budgie in the shop. With thebird in the cage， I sped back and hung it in its place by the window.“I think youll findeverything is well now，”I told Mrs Tompkin.

Paragraph 2：

It was a long time before I dared to go back to Mrs Tompkins to see how she got alongwith the new bird. The old lady herself came to the door.“How...”I stammered，“How is...er...？”She peered at me closely for a moment and then laughed.“Oh， you mean Peter. Heis just grand. Come in and see him.”In the little room the cage was still hung by thewindow and Peter the Second hopped around the bars of the cage， running up and downhis ladder. His mistress reached up， tapped the metal and looked lovingly at him.“Youknow， you wouldnt believe it，”she said.“Hes like a different bird.”I swallowed.“Is thatso？ In what way？”“Well， hes so active now and even chatters to me all day long. Itswonderful what cutting a beak can do.”

【模拟导练】

阅读下面材料，根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段，使之构成一篇完整的短文。

Steve was the most amazing person in all of Minneapolis， and he was my cousin. Bythe age of 19. Steve was a star baseball player at the University of Minnesota. I wanted tobe exactly like him. So when Steve asked me to go with him on a spring fishing trip in nor?thern Minnesota， I was excited！

After planning the trip， we gathered clothes and supplies， and began our great adven?ture. We reached the Superior National Forest in northern Minnesota by early evening. Onour way to the campsite， Steve pointed to a faraway small house in one of the mountains，saying that it was the foresters station where the forester worked.

Finally， after a long walk， we reached the campsite and set up the camp as the sun wassetting. Steve knew all the tricks of an experienced wilderness camper. After we gatheredenough wood from the forest， he started the campfire using only stone and steel—nomatches. For supper， we feasted on freeze?dried beef， wild rice and pea soup. I ate greedilyafter all that work.

Tired enough， we climbed into our sleeping bags early and talked about our plans forfishing the next day. We were still talking quietly when a sudden north wind picked up; thetemperature dropped and it began to snow. Steve found a way to increase the temperatureinside the tent. He dragged a log from the forest to the opposite side of the campfire. Thenhe wrapped aluminum foil around the log. The heat from the fire reflected off the foil andinto the tent. Soon， images of lake fish were filling my dreams.

The snow had stopped， but sometime later a powerful wind must have kicked up theflames of our dying fire. I was abruptly awakened by Steve. Our tent was on fire. Fright?ened， I ran out of the tent immediately. The tent collapsed with Steve inside.

注意：续写词数应为150左右，尽量用到上文提到的动作描写的技巧。

Paragraph 1：

Without any thought of endangering myself， I rushed into the burning tent and pulled Steve to the icy lake.__________________________________________________________

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Paragraph 2：

Suddenly， we heard a noise in the forest._________________________________________

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【評价导思】

1. 读原文时，我是否找到了原文的动作描写亮点？

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2. 续写这篇文章的时候，我是否运用了动作描写的一些技巧？

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3. 读完本文，我是否积累了一些可以用于以后续写的高级词句？

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