Nonviolent Communication

By Fan Deng

I used to recommend the bookNonviolent Communication: a Language of Lifeto others years ago, and nowadays I still hear people talking about it. It analyzes the source of violence in depth, and gives a nonviolent solution. This book is written by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. He developed the principles and methods of nonviolent communication, which helped solve many conflicts and disputes in the world.

There’s an impressive story in this book: One day, a stranger threatened to assault a female teacher working in a school in St. Louis. The teacher tried to practice a nonviolent means of communication with the young man by empathizing with him on the spot. She detected the insecurity behind his seemingly strong body and his desire to relieve himself by doing something dangerous.

很多年前，我向别人推荐《非暴力沟通》，现在也常常能听到别人对这本书的讨论。它从很深入的角度剖析了暴力的来源，给出了非暴力的解决方案。这本书的作者是马歇尔卢森堡博士，他发展的非暴力沟通的原则和方法，解决了众多世界范围内的冲突和争端。

书中，有这样一个故事。一个女教师在圣·路易斯的一所学校教书，她被一个陌生的男人威胁，对方想要侵犯她。此时，她对这个犯罪分子展开了非暴力沟通，开始全神贯注地体会对方当时的感受。对方看似强势，实际上也很没有安全感，所以才想做出一些危险的行为进行发泄。

女教师了解到对方需要安全感之后，这样说道：“你似乎有些不安，安全对你来说特别重要，是吗？……请告诉我，是不是有别的方式可以满足你的需要，而不用伤害我。”

最后，那个男人只抢了女教师的钱包就离开了。

非暴力沟通，在很多情况下可以帮助我们，它有一套标准化的技术。

第一步，是你在表达的时候，要说出感受，而不是评判。

比如说，一个丈夫回家很晚，还一身酒气。妻子肯定很生气，盛怒之下，可能说：“你还知道回来呀，你干吗不死在外面呢？”

当妻子骂出“干吗不死在外面”的时候，是在表达自己的感受吗？并不是，她只是在发泄自己的情绪。

非暴力沟通的核心为：当一个人觉得情绪受伤，或者心中的某些需求没有得到满足的时候，要做的最重要的事，是寻找这些需求，而不是发泄情绪。

情绪是最要命的双刃剑，将郁结的情绪发泄出去，当时是很痛快，但最终会伤害到自身。

上述的例子，妻子的气话反倒提醒了丈夫，丈夫想：“是呀，我干吗不待在外面呢？”于是过两天，他就连家也不回了。暴力沟通导致生活一团糟。

Noticing that the man was shaking, the teacher said, “I’m sensing this is very scary for you... I can hear how much you want this. At the same time, I want you to know how scared and horrible I feel, and how grateful I’d be if you’d leave without hurting me.”

Eventually, the man took her purse and left quickly.

Nonviolent communication can help us in times of danger, which involves a set of standardized steps.

The first step is to use facts instead of making judgments in expressing your opinions. For example, when a drunken man comes home late, reeking of booze, his wife will certainly feel angry. She might fly into a rage, “You barely know where home is—why don’t you just go to hell?”When the wife uttered, “Why don’t you go to hell,” she was not telling facts, but pouring out emotions.

The essence of nonviolent communication is that when someone feels hurt or needs some comfort, the most important thing is to identify their needs instead of pouring out emotions.

Emotion is a double-edged sword. You should remember that releasing gloomy emotions is just a temporary relief that will ultimately hurt oneself.

In this case, the wife’s angry words may irritate the husband, “Why should I even come home?” Thinking this way, he might stay away from home for two or three days. It seems that this form of violent communication makes life a mess.

When you adopt nonviolent communication, remember to tell facts first, “Honey, it’s the fifth day you’ve come home after 11 pm with the smell of alcohol this week.”

Secondly, express your emotions in a direct way like, “I feel sad.”

Thirdly, tell your reasons: “I want this to be our home, not a hotel. I want to have dinner with you and talk. That’s what an ideal home should be in my mind.”

Fourthly, express your specific requests, “I hope you could come back before 8 pm at least three days a week so that we can have dinner together, alright?”

If a wife communicated with her husband in this way, there would be fewer quarrels.

Unfortunately few people express their specific requests in their life.

One of my friends looks thin, while his wife is a little chubby. To watch her weight, his wife always said, “I don’t want to eat anything this evening,” and doesn’t prepare dinner. My friend sometimes feels frustrated and complains, “My wife drives me crazy. She doesn’t cook dinner for me.”

I suggested, “You should tell your wife what you want.”

He replied, “I have told her.”I asked what he said. He answered, “Cook something for me.”

“Cook something for me” is not a specific request. His wife might think that cooking instant noodles is a nice choice.

In reality, people often have different understandings of these vague words. Many girls in love often declare, “You should be nice to me.”

What’s the implied meaning of “be nice to me”? We don’t know, so I’m sorry, but I can’t.

Remember the four steps of nonviolent communication: tell facts, express feelings, explain reasons, and express specific requests.

Why don’t many people make it? We are very prone to be controlled by our emotions and using violent communication, so we still need to learn nonviolent communication systematically.

(FromReading Is a Lifetime Thing, Beijing United Publishing Co., Ltd. Translation: Li Li)

非暴力沟通的结构是，第一步说出一个事实，例如：“老公，这一个星期，你有5 天都是11 点以后才回来，而且身上都有酒味。”

第二步讲出自己的感受：“我觉得特别难过。”

第三步讲原因：“因为我希望我们的家像一个家，而不是一个旅馆，大家能够一起吃晚饭，能够一块儿聊聊天。在我心里，这才是一个家的感觉。”

第四步讲出一个清晰而明确的要求：“我希望以后你能够每周有3 天在8 点以前回来，咱们一块儿吃晚饭，你觉得怎么样？”

当妻子能够用这样的方法跟丈夫沟通的时候，吵架的概率就会低很多。

生活中有很多人根本不会提出具体的要求。

我有个朋友，长得很瘦，他的妻子有点儿胖。他的妻子经常到了晚上就说“今天晚上不吃了”，就不做饭了。我朋友很饿，就跟我抱怨说：“她不好好做饭，气死我了。”

我说：“那你提出你的要求啊。”他说：“我提了。”

我问他是怎么提的，他说他告诉妻子：“你给我好好做饭。”

“你给我好好做饭”，这真的不是具体的要求，他的妻子认为煮方便面就是好好做饭了。

人和人之间，对这些模糊的词的理解是不一样的。很多女孩子常说：“你要对我好一点儿。”

什么叫作“对我好一点儿”？因为不知道，所以“臣妾做不到”。

非暴力沟通中简单的四步：讲事实，讲感受，讲原因，提要求。

我们为什么不容易做到？

因为我们为暴力沟通的情绪所掌控。

所以，除了方法，我们还需要系统地学习非暴力沟通。

（摘自《读书是一辈子的事》北京联合出版公司）