YOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS?SHE’S GOT ANSWERS

(BUT YOU PROBABLY WON’T LIKE THEM)

My idoI has been invoIved in a scandaI that’s hurting his career! Is there anything I can do to support him?

A Loyal Fan

Did he evade tax? Cheat on his girlfriend? Do drugs?Utter patriotic speech? Don’t take me for one of the 吃瓜群众 (chīguā qúnzhòng, “melon-eating masses,” nosy bystanders)! I never read any 娱乐新闻 (yúlè xīnwén,entertainment news); it’s beneath me. But since you asked,why don’t you 挖掘 (wājué, dig up) some dirt on his accuser and organize 水军 (shuǐjūn, “water army,” paid shills) to make favorable comments about him online? I’m sure he will feel deeply 感激 (gǎnjī, appreciative) sitting in his lavish penthouse. After all, his livelihood depends on 衣食父母(yīshí fùmǔ, “parents who provide food and clothes,” patrons)like you.

ShouId I buy a gaming consoIe? AII my friends are pIaying this game in which you can buiId a house on an isIand, furnish it, grow a garden, go fishing, and visit neighbors and friends. I don’t want to be Ieft out.

George the Gamer

You’ve got to be kidding me! The only reason one plays video games is to 逃离 (táolí, escape) the 狗屎 (gǒushǐ,bullshit)! If you want to be trapped in a 噩梦 (èmèng,nightmare), I’ve got a better idea for a video game. How about this: you have to 打卡(dǎkǎ, check in) every day into a room, and stay in it for eight hours to earn points. Highlight of the day is a serious looking 角色 (juésè, character)coming in to yell at you for 20 minutes. And you have to trade those points for a bunch of crap to sustain your 虚拟化身 (xūnǐ huàshēn, avatar) so you can keep playing. Fun,huh?! But who am I to judge? You probably won’t be able to afford all that bullshit in 现实 (xiànshí, reality) anyway! No point in 存钱 (cúnqián, saving money). So I say: 买它！买它！(Mǎitā! Mǎitā! Buy it! Buy it!)