新时代的男人都渴求“全能太太”

Audie Cornish （Host）： Its time now to talk about men.

Unidentified Woman： In todays society， to be a man you have to get up every morning， go to the same job， provide for your family.

Unidentified Man #1： The biggest thing of being a man is to have her say youre the best daddy. I mean， I cant respect a man that dont take care of his kids.

Unidentified Man #2： Im married. Ive got two daughters and four grandkids. And thats what it means to be a man. Uphold your vows， stay around， raise your kids， do the best you can.

Audie： Weve been exploring notions of masculinity and what it means to be a man in America these days. But today， well talk about mens roles and expectations at home.

Stephanie Coontz： If you are a man in America， theres a very good chance you will be married at some time in your life. But theres a much smaller chance than in the past that you will spend most of your adult life in marriage， make all of your decisions there and make all of your life-course transitions there. Thats the big difference.

Audie： Thats Stephanie Coontz， professor of family studies at Evergreen State College and author of a number of books， including “Marriage， a History.” Stephanie， thanks for joining us.

Stephanie： My pleasure.

Audie： So first， what is the chance that the average man will be married at some point in his life？

Stephanie： Well， most demographers think that about 85% of men will marry at some point. That would be lower than the high point in all of American history in the 1950s， when 95% married.

Audie： And I understand there have been some shifts when it comes to class—right—and socio-economic status in terms of what men are getting married or not.

Stephanie： Well， thats a very interesting change. Back in the 1950s and 60s， there was very little difference between the marriage rates of college educated men， high-income men and lower-income men. And then in the 1970s， there were rises in divorce for both. But since then， weve seen a huge divergence. In general， all men are marrying at an older age than before. Today， college-educated men are much more likely to get married and much less likely to divorce than their less educated counterparts.

Audie： Stephanie Coontz， once men get married， what are their expectations in terms of their own role and the role they believe a wife should play and compare that to say 50 years ago？

Stephanie： Well， 50 years ago， guys expected to support this woman. She kept the house， provided services around the house—including sex， which is why marital rape was not illegal. Men took it for granted that their role was to be the breadwinner and the right and privilege that accompanied that was to be paid more than women in the workplace， to be deferred to at home. Today， men are much more likely to want a full partner. Good housekeeping skills have fallen way down in their desirable list of qualities—friendships gone way up. Many also want a woman who can share breadwinning. And men understand that women want more from them—more intimacy， more equality， more sharing of housework and childcare. The one thing that is still a little bit of a barrier is theres still a pressure on men， thats not yet put on women， to be the fallback provider. That， I think， is part of the reason that were having this divergence in marriage rates between lowerincome， less-educated men and higher-income， high-educated men.

Audie： Stephanie， briefly you mentioned sexual violence in marriages. But I understand theres been definitely some shifts in the numbers there.

Stephanie： Oh my gosh， the improvements in domestic violence have really been quite impressive. Of course， theres more than there should be but domestic violence in the 50s and 60s was often not even reported. When police did come， many police departments had a stitch rule， refusing to arrest unless a certain number of stitches were required by the wife. An astonishing number of women took it for granted. Theyd get slapped by their husbands. Domestic violence has been declining since the 1970s. And according to the Bureau of Justice， it fell by 72% just between 1993 and 2011. And thats on top of earlier drops that researchers have found.

Audie： Lets talk more about future trends in terms of what were expecting to see for men when it comes to marriage and fatherhood.

Stephanie： Well， were having more men who have children out of wedlock and who may not see those children. But for men who are with their children， were seeing much more involvement. Both college-educated and less-educated husbands have doubled their housework and tripled the amount of time with children that they do since the 1970s.

Audie： So with men doing more housework， spending more time with their kids—whats the cultural support for that？ I mean， how does that play out for them today？

Stephanie： Well， there are still some real cultural pressures against it. In some ways， men are still being tyrannized by the masculine mystique—the flip side of the feminine mystique that women rebelled against in the60s and 70s， which says if you dont act manly enough， were going to bully you. Were going to discriminate against you. Theres been a total reversal in who reports the most work-family conflict. Back in the 70s， women reported much higher levels of workfamily conflict than men did. Today， men report higher levels of work-family conflict than women do. Employers are not willing to accommodate men very much. They get teased. They get harassed. They get denied promotions. But the good news is that men really want to spend more time with their families. Theyre asking for family-friendly work policies， for leaves， for flexibility. And so this is no longer a womans issue. This is a mens and womens issue.

Audie： Stephanie， I want to mention one more thing. Recently， there was some controversy about a study that had come up about egalitarian marriages—that they also meant less sex.

Stephanie： Yes， there was a study based on data gathered in 1991 to 1992. And remember， those marriages would include marriages formed in the50s and 60s， when gender roles were much straighter. And they found that couples that—where men did a share of what was a traditionally female housework， had less sex and reported less sexual satisfaction than couples who clung to a more traditional division of labor. But of course， that was older data. And so recently， Sharon Sassler and Dan Carlson and some other researchers went back and just looked at marriages formed in the early 1990s. And they found that thats not true—that in fact， the couples with the most egalitarian sharing of housework have the most sex and report the most sexual satisfaction. The only exception is the less than 5% of couples where the man does most of the housework. And frankly， as a woman， I can understand that. Women dont much like it when they have to do most of the housework， even though weve had a hundred years of telling us that thats going to be a source of fulfillment， whereas men havent.

Audie： Stephanie， thanks so much for speaking with us.

Stephanie： Oh， youre welcome. It was my pleasure.

奧迪·柯尼希（主持人）：现在是时候聊聊男人了。

不知名女声：当今社会，作为一个男人你要每天早上起床、做同样的工作、养家糊口。

不知名男声#1：做男人最重要的一件事就是让她说你是最好的爸爸。我的意思是，我不会尊重一个不好好照顾自己孩子的男人。

不知名男声#2：我结婚了。我有两个女儿、四个外孙，这就是一个完整的男人——信守誓言、呆在家人身边、抚养你的孩子、尽全力做到最好。

奥迪：我们最近一直探究在美国男性的概念以及怎么样才算得上是男人。但是今天，我们来聊聊男性在家庭中的地位以及他们对此的期望。

斯蒂芬妮·孔茨：如果你是美国的男人，很可能在人生的某个阶段就结婚了。但是与过去相比，你很少会有机会把大部分的成年生活都放在婚姻上，你作的所有决定、你人生中的所有转折点都发生在婚姻生活里。这就是（过去与现在）很大的不同。

奥迪：这是斯蒂芬妮·孔茨，她是美国长青州立学院研究婚姻家庭的教授，也是包括《婚姻，历史》等著作的作者。斯蒂芬妮，谢谢你参与我们的谈话。

斯蒂芬妮：这是我的荣幸。

奥迪：那么首先，美国大部分的男人在人生中的某段时间结婚的几率有多大？

斯蒂芬妮：好吧，大部分的人口学家认为大约85%的男人会在某个时间结婚，这个比率低于美国历史上的最高峰——在20世纪50年代有95%的男人结婚了。

奥迪：而我了解到在男人是否结婚的问题上，阶级、权利、社会经济地位等因素都促使其发生了一些变化。

斯蒂芬妮：好吧，这是个非常有趣的改变。在20世纪五六十年代，受过大学教育的、高收入的男人与低收入的男人之间的结婚比率的区别不大。然后到了70年代，他们中的离婚率都上升了。但从此以后，我们看到了一个很大的分歧。总的来说，所有男人的结婚年龄都比从前晚了。如今，受过大学教育的男人比起那些没怎么受过教育的同龄人来说，结婚的可能性大了，离婚的可能性则少了。

奥迪：斯蒂芬妮·孔茨，与50年前相比，一旦男人结婚了，他们对于自己以及妻子在婚姻中扮演角色的期望有什么不同呢？

斯蒂芬妮：好吧，50年前，男人都应该养活他们的妻子。她料理家事、提供在家里的一切服务——包括性生活，这就是为什么那时候婚内强奸不犯法。男人们理所当然地认为他们的角色就是养家糊口，因而随之而来的权利和特权就是在工作中比女人得到更多的薪水，在家中得到服从。现在，男人更有可能想要一个全能的另一半。在他们希望妻子有的品质的列表中，好的持家能力不是他们最想要的，而互助的友谊才是他们梦寐以求的。许多男人还希望有一个能跟他一起养家的妻子。男人们知道女人对他们有更多的要求——更多的亲密度、更多的平等、更多地承担家务和对孩子的照顾。这里还有一个障碍，就是男人还是有一个女人分担不了的压力——就是家庭的主要经济来源。我想，这就是结婚率在低收入、没有受到高等教育的男人与高收入、受过高等教育的男人之间出现不同的部分原因。

奥迪：斯蒂芬妮，你刚才简单地提到了婚姻中性暴力的问题，但我知道这里的数据肯定也发生了一些改变。

斯蒂芬妮：噢我的天，家庭暴力的改善确实让人印象深刻。当然，家庭暴力的事例肯定比知道的还多，但是在20世纪五六十年代甚至不会被报道出来。（如果发生家庭暴力），警察会来查看，但是许多警局都有一个“缝补原则”（译者注：这里的缝补可能指的是对丈夫进行拘留教育），他们不会逮捕丈夫，除非妻子多次提出 “缝补”的请求。许多妻子们对家庭暴力习以为常，这很让人震惊。她们会被丈夫掌掴。自20世纪70年代以来，家庭暴力的次数在减少。根据司法局的统计，仅在1993年到2011年间，这些案件发生的比率下降到72%，而这是研究者发现的早期下降比率中最高的一次。

奥迪：让我们来聊聊未来男人在婚姻和父亲的角色中会有怎样的变化。

斯蒂芬妮：好吧，我们可能会有更多的男人在离婚后没有机会看到以及照顾他们的孩子。但是对于那些跟孩子一起生活的男人来说，我们看到了他们更多的责任。自20世纪70年代以来，受过大学教育和没怎么受过教育的丈夫都会承担双倍的家务、花比从前多三倍的时间来陪伴孩子。

奥迪：那么男人做更多的家务活，花更多的时间在他们孩子身上，这其中的文化支撑是什么？我的意思是，这对于他们起了什么作用呢？

斯蒂芬妮：好吧，这其中也有许多现实的文化压力。从某方面说，男人还是受到一些男性色彩的压制——在20世纪60年代到70年代间，女性对此进行了极力的反抗。意思是，如果你表现得不够男人，我们就欺负你，我们就歧视你。（男人与女人）在工作和家庭中的矛盾得到了逆转。在70年代，女性被报道出在工作与家庭中产生的矛盾比男人高。今天，男性被报道出存在这一矛盾比女性高。招聘者不太愿意接纳男性。男人们受到耻笑、骚扰，他们的升职请求被拒。但好消息是他们真的想把更多的时间放在家庭生活中。他们要求有“家庭友好政策”，有请假的机会以及更多自主分配工作的时间。所以这不再是女性的问题，而是男性与女性共同的问题。

奥迪：斯蒂芬妮，我想再提一件事。最近，对与平等的婚姻的研究引起了一些争议——这也包括了性生活的减少。

斯蒂芬妮：是的，是有一个基于1991年到1992年所收集到的数据的一个研究。请记住，这些婚姻包括在五六十年代建立的婚姻，在那时性别角色还很分明。那项研究发现，在一对夫妇中，如果男性分担了在传统中属于女性的家务劳动，那么比起那些坚持传统家庭分工的夫妇来说，性生活以及在此得到的满足感会少。但是当然，这是较早的数据。因此最近，莎伦·莎思乐和丹·卡尔森以及其他一些研究者重新研究在20世纪90年代的婚姻。他们发现事实上这不是正确的，平等承担家务劳动的夫妇其实经常有性生活，而且最能在其中得到满足。例外的情況是不到5%的夫妇是男人承担大部分的家务。老实说，作为一个女人，我能理解。当女人要承担大部分的家务时，是没有兴趣过性生活的，尽管有一百年的历史告诉我们，这会是满足感的来源，同样男人也是如此。

奥迪：斯蒂芬妮，非常感谢你和我们聊天。

斯蒂芬妮：噢，别客气。这是我的荣幸。

亲们，本期的话题是小编很感兴趣的婚姻家庭问题，以下是我给大家收集的有关男性选择妻子的15个标准，纯属给大家作个参考，不代表本杂志的任何观点哦～

1.一个女人最重要的品质应该是善良，而且百善孝为先。

天下不知道有多少苦命的男人在受着自己的媳妇和自己亲妈之间的夹板气。如果我是一个男人，要是将要成为我媳妇的女孩敢问我“我和你妈掉河里，你先救谁？”我一准把她pass掉，这根本就不是人话！

2.贤惠，这是亘古不变的女性美德。

3.知书达礼，这是新时代对妇女与时俱进的要求。

一个女人的气质和教养是丰富内心的流露，也是与别人真正拉开距离的所在。

4.有思想、有品位。

有思想使得她不屑于插足别人之间的闲话，她从来都是个“绝缘体”。有品位，使得她能匠心独运地表达自己的风格。

5.懂事。

对于男人最重要的是尊严，她可以在家里抨击我，但不能在公众场合讽刺、嘲笑我。一个不懂维护丈夫尊严的女人，不要也罢。

6.充分信任，相对自由。

喜新厌旧其实是人的本能，谁也不能保证一辈子只对一个人有好感。奉劝天下所有将要结婚的女人用心学习《医学心理学》，充分理解自己的丈夫喜欢在画报、网页上凝眸美女的嗜好，不要因为这些下意识的行为而吹毛求疵。否则就是将婚姻推向死亡。他想独自呆一会儿，不要碎嘴地问什么究竟，送上一杯茶，轻轻地把门关上就好了。

7.有一份稳定的收入。

不依附于男人生存的女人才能做到独立，自尊。

8.没有过多的物质欲望。

这一点非常重要！自古成由俭败由奢。何况安于现状和乐观的天性使她能够将青春延续。过分的虚荣往往使非“财大气粗”的男人产生精神紧张，甚至为此不堪重负。她应该宝马汽车坐得，自行车也能骑得;五星级酒店住得，野营的帐篷也不嫌弃，吃得苦中苦，方为人上人。

9.拒绝灯红酒绿，不对异性过分热情。

她有着良好的生活习惯，抽烟、饮酒、通宵达旦的宴饮狂欢都不会发生在她身上，她不会到酒吧、夜总会这样的地方消磨时间。她知道自己的价值不是取悦异性，所以不会主动和别的男人搭讪，曲高和寡的才是阳春白雪。

10.天真有一点童趣。

一个男人若是真的喜欢一个女人，就应该最大程度地呵护她的纯真。未失童趣的女子，能让漫长枯燥的四目相对变得其乐无穷。

11.喜欢读书和音乐。

喜欢读书不是看什么花花绿绿的时尚杂志、喜欢音乐也不是什么听过就忘的流行小曲。经典的书籍和音乐能让岁月与生活的琐碎无法在她的心灵上烙下痕迹。

12.工作能力强，有一技之长。

工作中的女人显然没有太多时间疑神疑鬼。有一技之长会使她自得其乐，很好地控制情绪。

13.当然，长得绝对不能丑，也别太好看，应该是那种越看越顺眼的。

14.身体健康，并懂得养生之道和基本医学常识。

15.懂得浪漫。

婚姻生活是一個有颜色、有生息、有动静的世界，很难想象一个不具备浪漫、不具备情趣的女人是个好妻子。