小心难缠新娘

Michel Martin （Host）：Its wedding season. You might be invited to a wedding or two or three. So about that wedding—it is one of the most stressful events in a persons life. And why is that？ Well， could it be because people dont know how to behave？ So we brought back two our favorite guides on how to behave to get us all straightened out when it comes to wedding etiquette. They will also answer some of the questions youve been tweeting us. And with us now， once again， are Steven Petrow—he writes the advice columns “Civilities” for The Washington Post. And hes also author of Steven Petrows Complete Gay And Lesbian Manners. Welcome back.

Steven Petrow： Great to be with you.

Michel： Also joining us once again， Karen Grigsby Bates. Shes author of the etiquette book Basic Black： Home Training For Modern Times. Shes also an NPR correspondent. Karen Grigsby Bates， welcome back to you as well.

Karen Grigsby Bates： Thanks， Michel.

Michel： So let me just start by asking you—Karen， maybe youll start us off here. What are some of the questions that come up over and over again？

Karen： One of the top ones people always say is， I got an invitation to thus-and-sos wedding， and I dont think Im going to be able go. Do I have to send a present？

Michel： Really？ Why do you think thats the thing that comes up over and over again？

Karen： Because times are tough economically. People are worried about it， and weddings tend to come in clumps. And were right at the beginning of the start of serious-business wedding season. So Id say from sort of mid May to about late August， early September theres going to be a lot of that going on.

Michel： So whats the answer to that question？

Karen：Well， Ive always said that a wedding invitation is not a quid pro quo. Its not like you buy a ticket to go to the wedding by giving somebody a toaster. And the whole business of wedding presents started out when people used to live with their parents until they got married. So they didnt have any stuff. You know， your mom had all the stuff. Now couples often live together， or theyve been working for a while. And they bought things that they like， and so maybe they dont need or want as much stuff. Sometimes what Ive seen in registries is people saying， the thing I really， really want， Im saving up for， but if you guys want to contribute to my super-duper mixer， Id love to have that. Fine.

Michel： But to the question of people saying， do I have to send a present—your answer is， no， you dont have to.

Karen：No， you do not have to send a present.

Michel：OK. Steven Petrow， what about you？ Whats your answer to that？

Steven：Presents are really voluntary. But I think， in this case， because so many couples view them with emotion and love， its a great idea to give some kind of gift. Its a symbolic gesture.

Michel：And， Steven， you write about changing manners in a number of circumstances. You write about kind of the changing social mores. I mean， people are entering new territory with same-sex weddings， and to many people this is new. This is kind of a new experience， and they feel uncertain there. And you also write about changing digital manners. What are some of the questions that come up for you most often？

Steven：Well， among same-sex couples and those invited to same-sex weddings， it really is—its new territory. And I kind of see my role as a manners advice columnist as a psychotherapist for helping people get through these anxiety fraught moments. And so for gays and lesbians， theres the question， you know， are mom and dad going to help pay？ Usually not because， as Karen just mentioned， these couples tend to have been together for a while. Theyve got stuff， and they can afford their own wedding. For parents there are lots of questions. Again， will they be paying， but also will dad be dancing with his son during the first dance？ No. Thats not usually the case. Will the parents be escorting the couple—the same-sex couple down the aisle？ Sometimes. Its a beautiful， symbolic gesture， but many of these couples also have been together. They like the symbolism of escorting or walking themselves down the aisle.

Michel：Steven， you wrote recently in one of your columns—it was actually a very emotional issue， I think， for many people—which is the question of family members who have not necessarily been accepting of their relationship. And then the question arises when the wedding—if the couple does go forward and they decide to solemnize their relationship and make that commitment， should they invite a family member—a close family member—who has not been particularly supportive in the past？ And you had an answer that I think surprised a lot of people. Some people were not thrilled with it. Do you want to tell us what you said？

Steven：Id be happy to. And youre right. People were…many people were not thrilled. So in this particular instance， the woman who wrote in， she had told her parents that she was getting married to her fiancee—and thats fiancee with two Es. And they did not say congratulations. They did not really respond in any way. So now they were debating whether or not to invite their parents. And my answer was， yes. Take the high road. Embrace them. This is what families do. And my advice to the parents was accept—it does not mean that you need to go vote for same-sex marriage in your state. It doesnt mean that youre giving money to freedom to marry. It just means that youre there to support your daughter. But I would say was 50-50， the response. Many people agreed and think that， as I do， the way to change hearts and minds is to invite people to a wedding. I mean， who has not been to a wedding and， you know， gotten， you know， teary-eyed and so on？ So I think people do understand， you know， its about love and commitment. But many others felt that you should not be extending this olive branch. This couple had been rebuked already and should not put themselves in the line of fire again.

Michel：OK， what about the whole question of—we were talking earlier， Karen， about saving money. A lot of people， to save money， have been going the paperless route. And not just saving money—for some people its an ethical issue. They feel like if you can save the paper， why not save the paper？ So where are you on the digital invitation？

Karen：Oh， Im afraid I am not in favor of the digital wedding invitation. For birthday parties， sure. For potlucks， fine. For alumni get-togethers， no problem. I think weddings are different. You know， theyre imbued with this sense of ceremony. Theyre looked at as milestones. Thats something that me， fogey that I am， would like to keep. And so I would like my wedding invitation to arrive in the mail with a stamp and a response envelope—that also has a stamp on it.

Michel：（laughs） OK. All right. Steven—another Twitter question for you—Jenna （ph） in Syracuse， New York， says， do I have to choose a maid of honor？ Im hesitant to pick a favorite out of my three best friends.

Steven：No， Jenna does not. Really， what maids of honor do are commanders in chief， and the more the merrier. Youll just give them more tasks to do， and itll be an easier wedding for you. So no decision need to be made that way.

Michel：Karen， finally—bridezilla…（laugh） If there is a bridezilla in your world who keeps giving you orders and， you know， demanding things and， you know， bachelorette weekends in Vegas and things of—just kind of a level of， you know， obedience that you perhaps were not signed up for.（langhs） What do you do？

Karen：I think you do what you can， when you can and the rest of it you have to let slide. You know it really—the bridezillas excuse is， this is the most important day of my life， and it has to be perfect. Well， if this is the most important day of your life， what does that say about the day your children are born， you know， the day you get the advanced degree you want， the day you find out youre cancerfree？ I mean， there are a lot of wonderful things one hopes that lie ahead for you， and the wedding is sort of a little punctuation point. But marriage may be， if youre lucky， for way longer than that. So focus more on the marriage， less on the wedding.

Michel：Thank you both so much.

Karen：Thanks， Michel.

Steven：Bye， Michel. Bye， Karen.

米歇爾·马丁（主持人）：又到了结婚的旺季。你可能会接到两三场婚礼的邀约。因此关于婚礼——这是人生中最让人感到压力山大的事件之一，那么是为什么呢？好吧，这是因为人们不懂得如何在婚礼上表现吗？所以我们再次请来了两个最受欢迎的导师，告诉我们如何让婚礼顺利进行。他们也会回答你们在微博中给我们留言的问题。再一次和我们在一起的，是史蒂芬·彼得罗。他在给《华盛顿邮报》的礼仪专栏写建议，也是《史蒂芬·彼得罗完整的同性恋行为》的作者。欢迎再次回来。

史蒂芬·彼得罗：很高兴和你在一起聊天。

米歇尔：今天再次来到我们节目的，还有凯伦·格里格斯比·贝茨。她是礼仪书《非裔美国人基础学——现代家庭教育》的作者，也是美国国家公共电台的记者。凯伦·格里格斯比·贝茨，也欢迎你的再次到来。

凯伦·格里格斯比·贝茨：谢谢你，米歇尔。

米歇尔：那么凯伦，让我先来问你，你经常被问到的一些问题是什么？

凯伦：人们总是问的其中一个问题是：我接到了所谓的婚礼邀请，但是我不能去参加，需要送一份礼物过去吗？

米歇尔：真的吗？你认为为什么这样的问题会频繁出现？

凯伦：因为现代人的经济很紧张。婚礼总是一个接着一个来，人们总是为此忧心忡忡。我们现在正处于婚礼旺季的开始。我认为从五月中旬到八月下旬、九月上旬都会有许多婚礼会进行。

米歇尔：那么这个问题怎么解决呢？

凯伦：好吧，我总是说婚礼的邀请不是等价交换物。这不是像你买了婚礼的入场券去给某人祝酒。结婚礼物的赠送起源于从前那些婚前一直跟父母住在一起的新人，因此他们没有什么家居用品。你懂的，你的所有东西都在你妈妈那里。现在的情侣经常会住在一起，或者他们也工作了一段时间。他们买了自己想要的东西，所以也许他们不需要或者不想要那么多东西。有时候我会在结婚登记处听到人们说：“我一直在存钱去买非常非常想要的东西，但是如果你们想帮忙买我的超级搅拌机，我也很乐意接受，没关系。”

米歇尔：然而有关人们问到的“我是否需要送礼物”的问题，你的答案是：不，你不需要。

凯伦：不，你没必要送礼物。

米歇尔：好的。史蒂芬·彼得罗，你怎么认为？你对此的看法是什么？

史蒂芬：送礼物真的是自愿的。但是我认为，在这种情况下，鉴于那么多对新人都把礼物看作是心意，送一些礼物还是不错的想法，这是象征性的表现。

米歇尔：史蒂芬，你写了在许多情况下礼仪的变化，你也写了日渐变化的社会习俗。我的意思是，人们正在接触同性婚礼的新领域，这对许多人来说都很新鲜。这是一种新的体验，他们会感到很不确定。你也写了一些变化中的电子礼仪。最近经常向你咨询的问题是什么？

史蒂芬：好吧，对于那些同性恋的夫妇以及已经受邀参加同性婚礼的人来说，这是一个新的领域。我把自己看作是一个在礼仪方面提供建议的栏目作家，一个帮助人们度过这些焦虑紧张时刻的心理医师。因此对于男女同性恋者来说，这里有个问题，你知道的，妈妈和爸爸会帮我们筹备婚礼吗？但是这种事通常不会发生，因为，像凯伦刚刚提到的，这些情侣在一起已经有一段时间了。他们有家居用品，而且能承担婚礼的费用。对于父母来说也存在许多问题。还是那个问题，他们会支付婚礼的费用吗？爸爸要和儿子跳第一支舞吗？不，这些事通常都不会发生。父母会陪同性恋新人一起步入礼堂吗？这种情况有时候会发生。这是一种美好而有寓意的仪式，但是很多新人都是两人一起进去的。他们喜欢这种相互陪同、一起步入礼堂的形式。

米歇尔：史蒂芬，你最近在其中一个栏目写了我认为对很多人来说都是敏感的话题——家庭成员没有承认他们之间的关系。那么这里就会引发一个问题：如果这对情侣打算让他们的关系更进一步，承担责任，步入婚姻的殿堂，那么他们应该邀请过去一直不赞成他们结合的重要家庭成员吗？你给出了一个让所有人特别惊讶的答案。一些人听到了会不高兴。你愿意跟我们分享下吗？

史蒂芬：我很乐意。你说得对，很多人都对此表示不满。有一个特别的例子，一位女性朋友写道：她告诉父母准备和未婚妻结婚，然而他们并没有送上祝福。他们没有真正作出回应。所以现在他们在讨论是否应该邀请她们的父母。而我的答案是，应该。堂堂正正地（把结婚的事告诉他们），拥抱他们。这是家人应该做的事。我给父母们的建议是接受——这不意味着你要为同性婚姻投票，也不意味着你要为自由婚姻买单。这只是表明你在支持你的女儿。但是赞成我这个说法的人数是一半。许多跟我想法一致的人都认同，改变观点和想法的方法是邀请人们去参加婚礼。你知道的，我的意思是，有谁去参加婚礼不会眼泛泪光的？所以你知道的，人们应该能够了解，这是关乎爱与责任的事。但是有许多人也認为你不应该伸出这条橄榄枝。这对新人已经被指责了，不能让他们再次处于水深火热之中。

米歇尔：好的，凯伦，那么，聊聊我们之前说的有关省钱的问题。许多人为了省钱，不派请帖。这不仅仅是省钱的问题——对与一些人来说这是道德的问题。他们认为如果你能省去请帖用的纸张，为什么不这样做呢？所以你对派电子请帖是怎么看的？

凯伦：噢，我恐怕不支持派电子婚礼请帖。如果是生日派对，可以。如果是百乐餐（译者注：每人自带一个菜的家庭聚会），不错。如果是校友聚会，没问题。我认为婚礼是不同的。你知道的，它们是一种庄严的庆典，一个里程碑。这是像我这般保守的人想要保持的想法。所以我想自己的婚礼请帖是以信件的方式寄出——带邮票的信封，并附上回邮信封。

米歇尔：（笑）好的。那么史蒂芬，一位来自纽约锡拉丘兹的詹娜在微博中问你的问题是：我需要选一位伴娘吗？我在三个闺蜜中很难作抉择。

史蒂芬：不，詹娜不需要作选择。真的，伴娘们就是起到统筹的作用，越多人事情办起来越顺利。你可以给她们更多的任务，这样你的婚礼办起来就更轻松。所以这种情况根本不用作选择。

米歇尔：凯伦，最后，有关难缠的新娘……（笑）如果你遇到了一个难缠的新娘，总是一直给你发号施令，你知道的，要求多多，你懂的，例如去拉斯维加斯过一个婚前单身的周末——你知道的，就是达到那种你很难妥协的程度。（笑）你会怎么做呢？

凯伦：我想如果可以的话，你只能尽你所能，其他的就只能顺其自然了。你知道的，难缠新娘的理由是：这是我生命中最重要的一天，它必须完美。好吧，如果这是你生命中最重要的一天，那么你孩子出生那天呢，你获得高学位的一天呢，你发现自己没有癌症的一天呢？我的意思是，在你面前还有许多美好的事，而婚礼只是一个小小的乐章。但是婚姻，如果你能幸运走下去的话，会比婚礼的时间更加漫长。所以把注意力更多地放在婚姻上，少关注一些婚礼。

米歇尔：非常感谢二位！

凯伦：谢谢，米歇尔。

史蒂芬：再见，米歇尔。再见，凯伦。

婚禮筹备小贴士美丽新娘七部曲

1.什么时候开始准备？

大家都说，越早准备越好。不过多早才算早？其实美容护肤本来就是每个女人天天都应该做的，但是建议你在结婚日的6至12个月前，就开始特别注意肌肤的保养。

2.注意饮食

最重要是从饮食习惯方面下手，少吃煎炸，多吃清蒸食物，对一向随心所欲的你，可能痛苦一点，但为了在婚礼上以最完美的容颜展现在宾客面前，这一切都是值得的！

3.定期做运动

运动不但能令身材保持健美，穿起婚纱和晚装更好看，而且还能促进血液循环、加快新陈代谢，使肌肤看起来也更容光焕发。运动健身的方法有很多种，最有效的当然是上健身院让专业导师给你正确的指导。

4.开始定期做面部护理

找个你可信赖的护肤中心，开始定期做面部护理。让护肤专家解决你的皮肤问题，总好过婚期临近时，才来为脸上冒起的暗疮紧张。

5.注意卸妆步骤

不彻底卸妆，往往是损害肌肤的致命伤。拥有一套优质的洁面产品，将为你省去对抗皮肤问题的麻烦。如非必要，你也应该在这期间尽量减少化妆，让肌肤好好休息，结婚当天你自然会看起来神采飞扬。

6.化妆和发型

尽早联络化妆师和发型师，让他了解你的皮肤问题和需要，同时培养双方的默契。最好能找到一位身兼二职的化妆兼造型师，可以减少沟通上的麻烦。提前试妆很重要，不要等到最后一秒才和化妆师闹意见，到时你想换化妆师恐怕也来不及了。

7.舒解压力

压力可能来自双方家长、安排婚纱婚礼的商家负责人、甚至意见不合的另一半。这些烦恼的事都是在所难免的，最重要是懂得如何舒解，或是找人和你分担。筹备工作不妨找个知心朋友帮忙，凡事亲力亲为是好事，但没必要事无大小都让自己操心费神。你还是做好你分内的事——准备以最佳状态当个最漂亮的新娘吧！

婚礼五大经典用花

玫瑰 结婚一般用红色玫瑰，寓意真挚的感情。因为红玫瑰是表达爱情的专用花卉，所以它是结婚鲜花搭配中应用最广的一个。玫瑰花容秀美，有“花中皇后”之称。但不是所有的红玫瑰品种都是好花材，一般作为结婚用花的红玫瑰品种要求花大、色鲜、形美、梗长（35至45厘米）、花瓣厚实，如沙特阿拉伯的乌丹玫瑰、英国的红玫瑰等。而我国引种的红衣主教、萨曼莎（萨门达）以它们高雅的气度独占花魁。

郁金香 是结婚用花的好材料，常选用红、黄、紫、白几种颜色的郁金香。红色花意为爱的告白;黄色花语为爱的来临;紫色花意为爱的永恒;白色花语为爱的纯洁。

百合 结婚用花中，百合被广泛使用，寓意“百年好合”或“百事合意”。我国种植百合历史悠久，被视为传统吉祥花卉，古代称红百合为“山丹”，又称黄百合为“火王”，有苏东坡诗为证：“堂前种山丹，错落玛瑙盘。”

康乃馨 又名香石竹，其中大红和桃红的康乃馨是结婚用花销量最大的花卉品种之一，前者花意为“女性之爱”，后者花语为“不求代价的爱”，一般常用于新娘捧花、新郎胸花、婚礼花篮、花车、新房等。

蝴蝶兰 又称蝶兰，花形似蝴蝶，芳姿艳质，艳压群葩，素有“兰中皇后”之称，是新娘捧花、头花、肩花、腕花、襟花的主要花材，花意为“我爱你，清秀脱俗，青春永驻”。