弃猫：致我前主人的一封信

I will never forget the last time I saw you. Maybe because I always hated going for car rides， and that day you left me at the shelter. At first I thought we were headed to the dreaded vet—who I hadnt seen in three years anyway but still remembered—but no， that day we took a far worse trip together. That day， you took me to the shelter.

You couldnt even look me in the eye or answer my cries in the backseat of your car like you used to when youd take me to the vet. “Shhh， sweetie，” youd say when I howled inside my carrier back then. This day， you had nothing to say. We drove across town in silence， you didnt even have the radio on. I wasnt sure what Id done or why you wouldnt even speak to me. Ive been a good boy. I always use my box. I try not to knock things off the table Im not supposed to be on， and I even try not to scratch your couch， but it would have been really nice if you would have bought me my own scratching post so I wouldnt have to.

You pulled my carrier out of the car， and I knew before you even opened the door to the shelter that this place was bad. It was very， very bad. My heightened sense of smell tipped me off no sooner than youd taken a few steps toward the shelter. I know you could smell it too， because I swear for a moment you stopped and almost turned around. I thought maybe youd made a wrong turn and taken us to the wrong place， because surely you wouldnt leave me， your loyal friend， in a place like this. Youd turn around， put me back in the car， drive us back home. And wed all have a good laugh later about that time you accidentally drove us to the shelter when you meant to take me to the pet store to pick out new toys.

I know this might sound weird to you， my human， but I could feel the pain and loneliness of every single animal who had ever died in that building before we even walked in. There are baby kittens and puppies who never knew the love of a human， but also—and worse—the longing of cats and dogs who once knew the joy of a family， of sharing their lives with a beloved human until they ended up in that bad， bad building for whatever reason. Id like to think you felt that pain too， and thats what stopped you just before you opened the door. But， for whatever reason， you kept going.

“This cant be happening，” I said to myself， sitting quietly in my carrier in the lobby as you talked to another human about “paperwork”（whatever that is）. I think you told them you are moving. Or you are allergic to me even though I have slept on your pillow next to you for the last five years and you never once even sneezed. Or you have a new boyfriend and he doesnt like me. I really dont remember. I was too busy trying to close my eyes and make myself wake up from what had to be a bad dream.

The cat next to me in the lobby was desperately clawing at the latch of his carrier trying to get out， and I thought maybe， just maybe， if I show you what a good boy I am， youd change your mind and take me back home. So I didnt say anything. I tucked my front paws under myself and tried to make myself invisible， thinking if they cant see me， theyll think youre crazy and laugh when you say “I need you to take my cat，” because obviously there was no cat in the carrier you brought in.

I shifted on my haunches in the cold， hard carrier—you didnt even put a towel down for me this last time I ever saw you. I remembered resting in this very carrier since I was a kitten， sometimes taking a nap there while you were at work， when it felt like an eternity as I waited for you to come home.

And then they took me away. You didnt even say goodbye. I looked at your face， hoping to see something that told me this was your only option， that， for whatever reason， you thought this was the right thing to do. I know it hurt your heart to leave me here in this place that smells of death the moment you walk in the door. But you turned away and then you were gone.

我永遠也忘不了最后一次见你的情景。或许是因为我向来讨厌坐车，而那天你还把我留在了收容所。起初我以为你要带我去看可怕的兽医——虽然我三年没见他了，但依然记得他——但是，不，那天的旅行更糟糕。那天，你将我带到动物收容所。

你甚至无法看着我的双眼，也没有回应我在后座发出的呼唤。以前当你带我去看兽医、我在后座的宠物笼里呼喊时，你会对我说：“嘘，亲爱的。”但那天，你什么也没说。我们在沉默中穿过城镇，你甚至没有把收音机打开。我不明白自己做错了什么，不明白为什么你连话都不想跟我说。我一直是个乖孩子。我上厕所都在自己的砂盆里；我不该爬的桌子上的东西我尽力不弄翻；我甚至还试着不去挠你的沙发——不过如果你能给我买个猫抓板就好了，我就不会去挠你的沙发了。

你把我的笼子拎到车外。我在你推开收容所大门前就意识到，这个地方不妙。非常、非常不妙。当你带着我朝收容所走了几步时，我发达的嗅觉就已经向我通风报信了。我知道你应该也闻到了，因为我发誓，有那么一瞬间你停下了脚步，差一点就掉头了。我想你可能拐错弯去错地方了，因为我是你忠诚的朋友，你肯定不会把我留在这种地方的。你会转身，把我放回车内，开车载我回家。然后我们会一起就“本来要带我去宠物店挑新玩具，结果却意外将车开到了收容所”这件事好好调笑一番。

我的人类，我知道对你来说这听起来很诡异，但在我们步入这栋建筑前，我就能感受到每一只死在这里的动物的痛苦和孤独。那里的猫宝宝和狗宝宝从未感受过主人的爱，而且——更糟糕的是——它们也体会不了那些被主人抛弃的猫咪和狗狗的渴望。那些动物曾享受过家庭的欢乐，也曾享受过与一个挚爱的人类共度生活的喜悦，但最终，由于种种原因，它们被送到这座恐怖可怕的建筑里。我愿意相信，你也能感受到那种痛苦，那痛苦让你在推开门之前停下了脚步。但出于种种原因，你还是推开了门。

“这不可能，”我这样对自己说道。你正在和其他人类讨论“文件”（管他是什么），我则被放在大厅里，安静地坐在笼子里。我想你跟他们说你要搬家了，或者你对我过敏（即使我在你枕边睡了五年，你也从未打过一个喷嚏）。又或者你交了新男友，他不喜欢我。我真的不记得了。我忙着让自己闭上双眼，忙着让自己从这个噩梦中醒过来。

在大厅里，我旁边的那只猫正拼命挠着笼闩试图逃走。我心想，也许，只是也许，如果我向你展示我是多么乖巧，你就会改变主意带我回家。所以我一声也没吭。我把我的前爪盘在身子底下，试着把自己藏起来，想着如果他们看不见我，就会认为你是个疯子。当你跟他们说“我要你们收下我的猫”时，他们就会笑话你，因为显然你提来的笼子里根本就没有猫。

在这个冰冷坚硬的笼子里，我换了个蹲坐的姿势——直到最后一次见面你也没有为我垫条毛巾。我记得从我还是只小猫开始，这个笼子就是我的休息之所。当你出门工作的时候，我就在家等你，那等待就像永恒一样漫长，有时候我会在笼子里打个盹。

然后他们带走了我。你甚至没有跟我道别。我盯着你的脸，希望能从那里看到一丝痕迹表明你别无选择，表明无论出于何种理由，你认为这是正确的选择。让我知道，把我留在这个一进门就有一股死亡气息扑面而来的地方，你也很伤心。但你背过身去，然后离我而去。