Goodbye Without Tears

文/罗妮·凯尼格 译/蓝岚

If your child is starting preschool and having difficulty with the new routine, follow these strategies for saying goodbye without tears. 如果您家孩子刚上幼儿园，很难适应新的生活日常，以下方法可以让入园的告别不再与泪水相伴。

The start of preschool is a milestone that’s often anticipated with great excitement and joy, but also with lots of crying, uncertainty, and heel digging—from both kids and parents! “For children, the main source of anxiety around entering preschool is that they have absolutely no idea what to expect,”says Katrina Green, a certified early childhood and early childhood special education teacher at the Just Wee Two program in Brooklyn, New York. “They have spent the first three to four years learning the rules and routines of their family life and they are completely unfamiliar with the new rules and routines they will encounter. For parents, the main source of separation anxiety1separation anxiety 分离焦虑，通常指幼儿因与依恋的亲人分离而引起的焦虑不安或不愉快的情绪反应。此处用于与孩子分离的父母。is worrying that their child will feel abandoned.” Read on to learn the best ways for you and your child to ease the separation anxiety and to successfully start this new adventure—together and apart!

无论对于孩子还是父母而言，上幼儿园都是一件具有里程碑意义的事，可以料想，这其中既饱含着兴奋和快乐，也是一个经久哭闹、忐忑难料与裹足不前的过程。“对于孩子来说，入园焦虑的主要原因是他们要面对一个完全未知的环境。”卡特里娜·格林是一位有资质的儿童和特殊儿童早教老师，在纽约布鲁克林一家名为“只有你我”的机构工作。“孩子三四岁以前一直在学习家庭生活的规矩和日常，对于将要面对的新规矩和新日常完全不熟悉。对于父母来说，产生分离焦虑的主要原因则是担心孩子觉得自己被抛弃了。”以下良方能够帮助您和孩子缓解分离焦虑，成功开启这一聚散有时的新征程。

Be consistent

[2] Many moms may see their child have a bad first reaction to preschool and immediately decide to pull him out of the classroom. But that’s a bad idea: “It denies the child an opportunity to learn how to work through negative feelings and sets a precedent of not having to face problems,” Green says. Instead, consistency is key when it comes to making preschool a part of your child’s new routine. Simply going together on a regular basis will provide your little one with a strong sense of anticipation. Keep your goodbyes short and sweet so that your child knows what to expect but doesn’t prolong your departure. When you pick him up at the end of the day, reinforce the idea that you came back, just like you said you would. This way, each day’s drop-off won’t feel like you’re both starting teary and upsetting goodbyes all over again.

Get the teacher involved

[3] Ideally, your child’s preschool teacher will be a warm, caring, and experienced individual who can anticipate her students’ needs. But since she is new to you, too, brief her with necessary information that will help her and your child get to know each other better. “It’s helpful for me to know as much as possible about a child’s home life in order to ease their transition into preschool,”Green says. “Their eating, sleeping, and toileting patterns are just as important as knowing their favorite color, what games they like to play, or what songs they like to sing. It also helps to know what techniques the family uses to calm a child down when she is feeling upset or anxious [so I can] try to replicate those techniques in the classroom.” Be sure to let the teacher know about any medical issues, such as food allergies.

坚持不懈

[2]很多妈妈一看到孩子对幼儿园产生抵触，立马就想把孩子拽出教室。这种想法不可取。格林认为，“这样做剥夺了孩子学习应对消极情绪的机会，同时为孩子无法正视困难开了先河”。要使幼儿园生活成为孩子的日常，坚持才是关键。你要做的仅仅是每天送他入园，让他获得强烈的期待感。甜蜜而短暂地道别，让孩子有所期待，但是切勿久留。每天放学来接他时，不断强调你来了，绝不食言。长此以往，每天入园就不会循环上演亲子之间泪眼婆娑、悲惨兮兮的一幕。

将老师变为队友

[3]理想的幼儿园老师应该是一个温暖、贴心、有经验的人，了解学生所需。但是既然您和老师也不熟悉，还是应该简要地给她提供一些必要的信息，以帮助她和您的孩子增进了解。“尽可能多地了解孩子的家庭生活有助于让我帮助孩子做好入园的过渡，”格林说，“了解他们的吃喝拉撒睡和了解他们喜欢的颜色、爱玩的游戏以及爱听的歌一样重要。宝宝难过或焦虑哭闹时家长怎么哄孩子也是有用的信息，我在教室里也可以借鉴同样的方法。”别忘了告知老师孩子的健康信息，例如吃什么会过敏。

Prepare a comfort object

[4] Have your child bring a little reminder of home to the preschool to ease his separation anxiety and reassure him. If he doesn’t have a favorite doll or blankie, even a beloved book or a sippy cup filled with his favorite drink can do the trick. “I had a child enter my preschool program who was experiencing major anxiety,” Green reveals. “In the beginning, we encouraged him to bring photos of his family and items from home. He filled an entire Whole Foods2全食超市，美国最大的天然食品和有机食品超市,在各大城市都有分店。bag with toys from home!” Comfort objects may seem like small stuff to you, but they can provide a real sense of security to kids in an unfamiliar environment. “Children almost always outgrow the need to bring a comfort object to school,” Green says. “However, children may feel the need for comfort objects at school (even if they are separating with no problem) when transitions are happening at home (such as a new baby, a move, or Mom or Dad starting a new work schedule).”

为孩子准备安抚物

[4]让孩子带上能让他想家的小玩意儿来幼儿园可以降低分离焦虑，安抚情绪。如果他平时没有自己喜欢的玩偶或毯子，一本喜欢的书或者装满爱喝饮料的吸杯也能奏效。“之前我们幼儿园来了一个严重焦虑的小朋友，”格林回忆道，“一开始我们就鼓励他把家人的照片和家中的礼品带来，结果他用全食超市的袋子装了整整一口袋家里的玩具！”在您看来这些安慰品可能只是些小玩意儿，但它们却能为身处陌生环境的孩子提供一种切实的安全感。“孩子们上学依赖安慰品的时间并不算长，”格林说，“然而，（即便已经能够轻松告别家长，）一旦家中情况变化（例如又迎来一个小宝宝、搬家或者父母的工作有变），孩子在学校还是会需要安慰品。”

Don’t sneak away

[5] It might be tempting to bolt from the room, but your little one will feel more afraid if you suddenly disappear.“Moms should never be ripped away abruptly from their child,” says Fran Walfish, Psy.D., child and family psychotherapist and the author of The Self-Aware Parent. “It can take up to ten weeks for a child to fully be ready to be left at school without her mother.” Dr.Walfish says. “The best way to handle the separation process is to begin by Mommy going to school with her child and sitting next to her. She should not interact with her in games and toys, but rather be there as a safety net.” Instead,develop a good-bye ritual. This could be anything you and your child decide on, such as a special hug or handshake followed by a “See you later, alligator!”3“See You Later, Alligator”原来是美国1950年代的摇滚歌曲名，因为alligator与later的押韵而成为表示“再见”的流行语。Once you’ve said your goodbyes,it’s best to skedaddle so that your child doesn’t become preoccupied by your presence. Seeing her involved in an activity is a good cue that it’s time for you to go.

请勿偷溜

[5]快速离开教室的想法可能挺让人心动，但是如果您突然消失，宝宝会感到更加害怕。“请各位妈妈打消那种突然从宝宝身边撤退的想法，”《自觉的家长》的作者、儿童和家庭心理师弗兰·沃尔费什博士认为，“孩子要完全适应妈妈不在身旁的学校环境可能需要十周的时间，面对分离最好的办法是妈妈和孩子一起到学校并一起坐坐。妈妈不要用游戏和玩具来逗孩子，应该扮演一张‘安全网’的角色。”最好的方法是，建立一个道别仪式。仪式的形式您和孩子来定，可以是一个特别的拥抱，也可以是握手之后来一句“来接你，小鳄鱼！”一旦说了再见，最好转头就走，免得孩子一直惦念着您再次出现。她融入新的活动就意味着您该走了。

Avoid comparing your child to others

[6] Don’t chastise your toddler and say, “Nolan doesn’t cry when his mom leaves.” “Honoring your child’s process is the best way to make the transition to preschool as smooth as possible,” Green says. Don’t worry—eventually your child will outgrow the separation anxiety. “The child who never cries when his parent leaves him may act out the scene over and over again during play to process his feelings. Another child may need to cry at every separation for a while in order to work through his feelings,” Green says. “It’s okay to keep leaving the child if he keeps crying,”Green continues. “A complete and successful transition into school can take months, especially if there are family vacations or breaks from school, when children often regress, or if there are changes happening at home.” But in all her years of teaching, Green hasn’t encountered one student couldn’t overcome his separation anxiety.

Resist surprise visits

[7] Once you’ve left your child, resist the temptation to go back and check on her, and don’t phone the school every hour. “If you’re always checking up on your child, you risk the reciprocity of your child checking’ on you constantly,” Dr. Walfish says. “It is extremely helpful for moms to develop a team approach with their child’s teacher. This way, mom can feel safe and confident that her child will be well cared for when she is not there.” Trust the teacher and trust yourself; have con fidence that you made the best decision and chose the best preschool for your child.

别拿“别人家的孩子”来比较

[6]请别这样责骂您家小朋友：“诺兰妈妈离开时人家可没哭！”“要想让入园尽可能顺利，最好的办法就是珍视这个过渡的阶段，”格林说。别担心，您的孩子最终会战胜分离焦虑。“有的孩子在父母离开时从不哭闹，在玩耍时反复扮演分离的场景，经此来处理情绪；有的孩子但凡与父母分别总要哭闹一番，为的也是发泄情绪，”格林说。“孩子哭时就离开是没问题的，”格林接着说，“完全、成功度过过渡期需要好几个月，尤其是中途遇到家庭假期或是学校放假，又或者孩子的家里出现了什么变化，这时孩子就会出现反复。”但是从教以来，格林还没有遇到过最终无法克服分离焦虑的孩子。

抑制突然造访的心

[7]一旦离开孩子，请您克制自己，不要回头再看孩子是否安好，或是每小时给学校打电话。“如果您总是想看孩子，那孩子也免不了总是想看您。” 沃尔费什博士说，“和孩子的老师建立一种团队合作的机制极为有益，只有如此，妈妈才会在自己不在宝宝身边时有安全感和信任感，知道孩子得到了精心的照顾。”信任老师，信任自己，相信您的选择是最好的，为孩子选的学校也是最好的。

Give yourself a pep talk

[8] Come up with a mantra such as,“This is best place for (your child’s name)” or “Bringing (your child’s name) here is the right decision” to remind you of why being apart is good for both you and your child. Then, keep repeating it as often as you need it! Kids can pick up on your mood, so if you’re nervous and anxious when you drop your child off, he will likely take on your attitude. Remain calm and be upbeat, even if you don’t feel 100 percent cheerful. But if your little one does pick up on your worries, just continue to provide him with reassurance. “Remind him that you will always return and that there are people at school to keep him safe,” Green says. Always remember that starting preschool is a positive step for both you and your little pupil. ■

为自己加油打气

[8]给自己编条咒语，比如说“（我家宝宝）就该来这儿”或者“（我家宝宝）来这儿就对了”，不断提醒自己，分离对于您和宝宝来说都是件好事儿。然后，只要有需要，就不断重复念“咒语”。孩子是能领悟大人心情的，如果送园时您紧张焦虑，他很可能会沿袭您的态度。即便并不是百分之百开心，也要保持平静与乐观。如果宝宝真的和您一样忧心忡忡，那么接下去就要给他吃定心丸了。“提醒他您一定会来接他，在学校有人可以保证他的安全，”格林说。永远记住，入园无论是对于您还是您家小同学来说，都是迈出的积极一步。 □