我总是矛盾着

文/葛优

我一直到十八九岁都不知道自己将来会是什么样。我爸演戏的时候，我经常躲在一边看。那时，我觉得自己可能是一辈子的忠实观众吧。

“文革”结束了，艺术院校招生，我忽然好像知道自己想干什么了。考艺术院校时，主考官让我演一个动作：从后面捂女孩的眼睛，我太紧张了，捂住她的眼睛，手就下不来了。那女孩只好把情人见面的戏变成了抓流氓的戏。

我最大的特点是两个字，一是蔫，一是缩。我不像我爸，他脾气火暴，敢当着一千多人的面上台指挥。我打死也不敢。只要有什么活动让我出席，我就本能地往后缩。如果出席的人有十几个，我就本能地坐在最边上。我要是紧张了，就容易出汗，手心脑门出汗。出席活动，快到大厅门口时，我最紧张，好像一开门就有机枪扫射似的。

老那么惯着自己，也不行。都老大不小了，有人叫老师了，还那么羞答答的，不行。我也假装放松过，就想象自己在拍戏，效果似乎也不错，可总觉得太假了。我告诉别人，其实我不紧张。有人说：“谁都能看出来，你满脑门子汗，说话磕磕绊绊，不叫紧张叫什么？”我索性老老实实说自己紧张，也不想老装个大尾巴狼。这么一想，我反倒踏实下来。

Till the age of eighteen, I had no idea what the future would hold for me. At that time, I was fascinated by my father’s acting career.I thought I would be among his loyal audience for life.

When the Cultural Revolution was over and art colleges started enrolling students, I suddenly seemed to know what I wanted to do. When I was taking the entrance exam to an art college, the examiner asked me to act for him, so I covered up a girl’s eyes while standing behind her. I forgot to remove my hands,because I was so nervous. Then the girl had to improvise the scene, changing my role from her lover to a rogue.

My personality can be summed up in two words: shy and timid. I was very different from my father. He had a fiery temper and performed boldly before an audience of thousands. Not me. I would step back from being the focus of attention. For example, if there were ten people attending an event, I would instinctively sit in the rear. I was so nervous that I would easily break into cold sweats. As I approached the entrance to the theater, I would be very apprehensive,as if there was a machine gun awaiting me inside.

As I grew older, clearly, I could not continue being so intimidated by such situations. So, I pretended relaxed,imagining myself acting in a film. I feigned total self-confidence. My ruse was not convincing. Somebody said, “Everybody can tell you are nervous because your forehead is all sweaty. Plus, you don’t talk in a normal voice.” So, I admitted to myself, I was helplessly insecure.I stopped playing the tough guy,and in doing so, I finally gained some peace of mind.I grew up around the Beijing Film Studio and had plenty of opportunities to come across famous Chinese actors, such as Yu Yang, Zhao Ziyue, and Zhang Ping. My neighbors were all famous actors in China.Sometimes after finishing watching a movie they were in,I would see them riding their bicycles, their baskets filled with fresh Chinese cabbage, as if they had just come off the screen.

If I could go back in time, I would return to the period in my life when I was working to become famous. I liked the title of one of Li Ao’s books,Up and Down the Hill. I feel those words best describe my life. When a person strives to become successful,everything is an uphill battle.Everything is unknown. You don't know where you are going, or how far you can go, and the road is always going up. In classic love stories of the world, life is always without a predictable ending, like Romeo and Juliet, Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai, just to name a few.

Ge You in To Live 电影《活着》剧照

Life is full of surprises. After acting inFarewell My Concubine,I didn’t win any awards. I didn’t get noticed for my work. But afterTo Livewrapped, I received widespread acclaim. And everything after that was smooth sailing.

Besides occasionally you need to play dead, being an actor also means you are “risking your life.”I got chronic fatigue syndrome from the heavy work load. It became my habit to lie in bed imagining how to play my next role. And I often suddenly woke up at night, my mind churning with ideas, unable go back to sleep.

In the 1990s, people did not take seriously those high-ranking figures, and wanted to see real people. Despite my fame, I see myself as an ordinary person.At that time, the Chinese were starved for humor. Nobody was in the mood for a lecture.And I was one of those people. I enjoyed the relaxing, uplifting,and the ordinary. No one wanted to pretend to elevate anyone’s consciousness. Everyone was equal. The economy was doing well. Historic ideas were challenged. Everyone suddenly realized that it was not only the people who looked good or talked well, that were important,everyone was important. If Ge You could be on the screen, who else couldn’t be?

Compared to some idols, I feel very comfortable. I am not afraid of being old, fending off the paparazzi, or having to attention whore for publicity. First, I don’t want to be the opposite of the common people. Second, I don’t need to be on the top of the popularity list. Third, if the price of fame is too high, how tiring it would be to live!

What I enjoy most is being alone. I do not get all brain cramped reading a few paragraphs from a book, as do some of my friends. I could read at least a dozen chapters a day. But there are so many daily interruptions, making it difficult for me to finish an entire book in a sitting.

People know I don’t like flying.The reason is, I feel more peaceful on a train. When I go on a train,nothing disturbs me. I go where nobody can find me, where I can stay for a long time. I sit there, thinking like an old monk,relieved of all burdens, enjoying a life that only belongs to me.

But I also enjoy having a drink with friends, chatting freely,without thinking of anything else. I like to listen. I could listen forever if my friends didn’t stop talking. They love to have me along because I am a good listener. Most often I just listen to my friends and, I seldom do any of the talking myself.

I am a walking contradiction.I like to be quiet and alone at times, but also enjoy the company of people. Does that make me a hypocrite? ◆

(FromHappy Reading.Translation: Huilan)

我从小在北影大院长大，看过太多著名的演员，比如于洋、赵子岳、张平等。街坊邻居都是全国闻名的大演员，有时我刚看完他们主演的电影，回家就看见他们骑着自行车，筐里装着刚抢购回来的大白菜，好像刚从银幕上下来。

如果时光倒流，我愿意回到刚成名的那个阶段。李敖写了一本书叫《上山下山》，我很喜欢这个书名。人生用这四个字就穷尽了。刚成名的时候是上山。上山时一切都是未知，你不知道自己会到什么地方，能到什么地方，你在上升的曲线上。人最美好的是追求的过程。你看世界上流传的最经典的爱情故事，都是没有结局的，如罗密欧与朱丽叶、梁山伯与祝英台。

人的一生都是偶然。演《霸王别姬》我没得奖，演完《活着》，天时地利人和都该我得了，就得了。如果当时有什么别的戏出彩，也就没我了。演戏除了“要命”，还要“拼命”。为演戏，我都神经衰弱了。我喜欢躺在床上琢磨戏，养成了习惯，晚上突然醒了，就睡不着了。

Ge You (right) in Farewell My Concubine电影《霸王别姬》剧照

20世纪90年代，人们不把那些高大全的人物当回事了，都想看到活生生的人。我有平民色彩，不虚伪。那时，中国人开始需要大批量的幽默，不想进电影院受教育、上课。我代表那时人们的心态，比较放松，比较乐观，也比较普通。谁也别想教育谁，大家都是平等的。那时经济发展，过去很多牢笼式的观念被打破。大家忽然发现，不是只有那些长得好看的、说得好听的人才重要，其实我们每个人都很重要。连葛优都能上屏幕，谁不能呢？

比起一些偶像明星，我觉得特坦然。我不怕年华老去，不用和狗仔队打游击，不用为了曝光率没事找事。我一是不想当老百姓的对立面，二是我也当不上，三是当上的代价太大，活着该有多累！

我最想做的事情是一个人待着。有朋友一拿起书，看两行字就晕了，我不至于那样，每天至少要看十几个剧本吧。我觉得还不够静，还不够让我拿起一本书就放不下，周围总有好多事干扰我。

我不坐飞机，这事儿大家都知道。不知为什么，上火车我心特静，上了火车，什么都干不了了。我非常想到谁都联系不到我的地方生活一段时间，就坐在椅子上想半天事儿，老僧入定那样，卸下所有的累赘，过一段完全属于自己的生活。

我也爱热闹。比如喝点儿酒、聊聊，没有什么利益关系。我是最不怕听人说的，只要对方能侃，我就可以一直听他说下去，所以朋友爱找我喝酒。我最爱扮演的角色就是观众。每次喝酒，我说话很少，更多是看朋友耍贫。

我总是矛盾着，又想热闹又想静，是不是有点儿矫情？◆