失去与放手

By+Tim+Lott

The most resonant1 truth about children is that they disappear. Slowly， gradually， but eventually. Children in that sense are clocks， marking the passage of time with each new stage of growth. To see a child disappear—or rather， to become aware in any acute way of their disappearance—is to become aware of losing something you have loved more than anything you have loved in your life before， or will again.2

Watching our children grow is—in an odd， inverted3 way—like watching our parents grow old and die. If we mourn in both cases it is perhaps because we are also weeping for ourselves—for our own impermanence， for our own mortality.4 For we also mark time， less visibly， in our own bodies.

As our children grow， we are also mourning the passing of a role—of ourselves as protectors， indispensable， loved passionately with the need and rose-coloured tints only children and infatuated lovers can offer us.5 Think of how these processes of mourning are recorded in song， from “Slipping Through My Fingers All the Time” （Abba）， “Brown Eyed Girl”（Van Morrison） to the even more heartbreaking “Turn Around”.6 My favourite version， by Nanci Griffith， reduces me to tears7 （and thats not just a casual expression—it really does make me weep）. And yet I go back to the song again and again. Why？ What are the tears for？ And why do I court8 them？

They are tears， partly， for loss. As such， they are simply sentimental—or at least， unnecessary. Because all life is entwined with9 loss. Transience10 is what makes life beautiful and worth living. All that comes and goes away is the heart of beauty. Children are simply the most vivid and meaningful examples of evanescence11.

So， there are many kinds of tears. Perhaps we weep at a sad song about children growing up partly because we perceive12 the process as tragic. But they may also be tears of the recognition of beauty， because this changing is profound， and brings us most closely into touch with the heart of life itself.

In any case， the idea that we are losing love as our children grow is not true. The love I feel for my two eldest daughters， in their 20s now， is undiminished13 with the passing of time. I dont get to express it so much， and they dont feel the need to. They are independent. And that is a job well done as far as I am concerned. Yet when I look at them sometimes， I feel exactly the same emotion I felt when they were barely walking， and helpless.

We do not lose our children—not unless we are very unlucky， or very bad parents， or they are very atypical14 children. If our desires to hold on to our children really took root， and were acted out， it would be a disaster.15 This is doubtless the fate of many over-parented children. Such children could not emotionally leave home， ever.

We must let go， and then let go and then let go. And eventually they， too， must let go， as their parents pass out of this life， at first gradually then entirely and finally. I have already “lost” my children many times—as babies， as toddlers16， as infants. They are always being made anew—and yet are always， at some deep level， the same. Parallel17 changes are happening to me， too， if I am doing it right. That is， I am always losing my children only in the sense that I am always losing myself.

For if I am static18 as a fully grown adult， then I am doing something wrong. I am holding on to myself too tightly， just as some parents hold on to their children too tightly. Life， yes， is loss and letting go. But without that loss and letting go， it would be like a plastic flower. Indestructible19， but ultimately valueless.

1. resonant： 回響的，引起共鸣的。

2. 看着孩子渐渐消失，或者猛地意识到孩子已消失不见，就是发现你正在失去生命中曾经的，也是未来永远的最爱。acute： 灵敏的，敏锐的。

3. inverted： 反转的，反向的。

4. mourn： 悼念，感到悲痛；impermanence： 短暂，倏忽无常；mortality： 生命的有限。

5. 伴随着孩子的成长，我们也在哀悼自己作为必要保护者的角色的逝去——曾经那份被需要的、玫瑰色的热切的爱，只有孩子和热恋中的爱人才能给予。indispensable： 不可或缺的；tint： 色调；infatuated： 热恋的。

6. Abba： 阿巴乐队，是瑞典的流行组合，于1982年解散；Van Morrison：范·莫里森（1945— ），是北爱尔兰摇滚奇人、爱尔兰近代民谣革命运动代表之一。

7. Nanci Griffith： 南西·葛瑞芬（1954— ），美国歌手，被誉为“山地民谣女王”；reduce sb. to tears： 使某人流泪。

8. court： v. 招致，酿成。

9. be entwined with： 与……有着紧密的联系，与……交织在一起。

10. transience： 短暂，无常。

11. evanescence： // 消失，消散。

12. perceive： 将……视为，认为。

13. undiminished： 未减少的，未减弱的。

14. atypical： // 非典型的，反常的。

15. 如果我们执意要抓住孩子不放手，并将这种想法付诸实践的话，那会成为一种灾难。

16. toddler： 学步的儿童。

17. parallel： 同时发生的，相应的。

18. static： 静止的，不变的。

19. indestructible： 不可摧毁的。