The Barriers to Love

By Ya Shalong

The Barriers to Love

By Ya Shalong

Once when I was chatting with a friend over drinks, he talked about the scene of his father lying on his deathbed. He told me that he wished his father would say to him, “I’m sorry for what I did when you were 20.” then he would reply to him by saying, “But I still love you, dad.” Unfortunately, this dialogue never happened. The last thing he asked his father was if he had taken his medications. I didn’t quite understand it at that time, so I said to him, “Since your father was dying, why bother asking for an apology from him?” He said he didn’t know either.

Not until a long time later did I understand how he felt. He isn’t a narrow-minded person—he just wanted to let go of the past via that conversation, so that his father’s image would be perfect again in his heart. Although the father was probably sorry for what he did, he found it hard to apologize. Although the son loved his father, he was simply too shy to say it. Being reticent doesn’t really matter,admittedly, but it will leave you with a troubled mind for the rest of your life.

Some say Chinese people like to bury their love deep in their heart, and perhaps it is true. But, reticence will usually generate pain and a sense of estrangement. Love needs to be expressed in words, suffering needs to be alleviated by words, and mistakes also need to be remedied through words. Someone who has never embraced his dad in childhood will find it hard to do so when his dad grows old.You might say, we don’t need to embrace others to express love, and words are also superfluous if you really love someone—but that’s wrong. We need to embrace our loved ones, and we always do. In our life, misunderstandings may be unavoidable, but we can always try to make them less painful.

(From City Financial News, March 22,2017.Translation:Zhu Yaguang)

有次，我和一个朋友喝酒，他也许是喝多了，跟我说起他父亲临终时的情景。他说自己最希望父亲对他说一句“你20岁那年的事情，我做错了，对不起”。他也最希望自己能在听到这句话后，说声：“那我还是爱你。”但是，这段对话未说过。他跟父亲说的最后一段话是问父亲药吃了没有。我当时不理解，对他说：“老人家都已经要走了，何必还要他去向你道歉呢？”他说自己也不知道。

直到很久以后，我才明白他的心理。他不是小心眼，他想通过对话卸掉那段往事，让父亲在自己心中重新变得圆满。父亲说不出道歉的话，虽然他也许是抱歉的。儿子也说不出爱你的话，虽然他真的是爱父亲的。当然，说不说也许没有什么关系，只不过是给回忆留下一个永远的伤疤。

有人说中国人的爱是一种更深沉的爱。也许是，但这种深沉里往往潜藏着隔膜与痛苦。很多爱，需要语言来表达；很多痛苦，需要语言来消除；很多错误，也需要语言来矫正。很多小时候不会拥抱爸爸的儿子，等爸爸老了依然不知道该怎么拥抱他。我们会说，爱不需要拥抱，爱也不需要说出口。这话不对。爱需要拥抱，从来都需要。我们注定会衰老，我们也许注定会产生隔膜，但我们还是可以让隔膜不那么痛苦。◆

（摘自《城市金融报》2017年3月22日）

爱与隔膜

文/押沙龙