卷福在华生婚礼上的伴郎致辞

绘/不归肉



卷福在华生婚礼上的伴郎致辞

绘/不归肉

I'm afraid John， I can't congratulate you.

All emotions and in particular love， stand opposed to the pure，cold reason I hold above all things.

A wedding is， in my considered opinion， nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious①specious英 ［'spiːʃəs］ 美 ［'spiʃəs］ adj. 似是而非的；外表美观的；华而不实的；徒有其表的and irrational②irrational英 ［ɪ'ræʃ（ə）n（ə）l］ 美 ［ɪ'ræʃənl］ adj. 不合理的；无理性的；荒谬的and sentimental in this ailing③ailing 英 ［'eɪlɪŋ］ 美 ［'elɪŋ］ adj. 生病的，身体不舒服的；体衰的v. 生病；苦恼（ail的ing形式）and morally compromised world.

To d a y w e h o n o u r t h e deathwatch beetle④beetle英 ［'biːt（ə）l］ vi. 急忙来回；突出vt. 用槌打n. 甲虫；大槌that is the doom of our society and in time one feels certain our entire species.

But anyway， let's talk about John.

If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures，this is not out of sentiment or caprice⑤caprice英 ［kə'priːs］ 美 ［kə'pris］ n. 任性，反复无常；随想曲，怪想， it is that he has many fine qualities of his own， that he has overlooked in his obsession⑥obsession 英 ［əb'seʃ（ə）n］ 美 ［əb'sɛʃ（ə）n］ n. 痴迷；困扰；［内科］［心理］ 强迫观念with me.

Indeed， any reputation I have for mental acuity⑦acuity 英 ［ə'kjuːɪtɪ］ 美 ［ə'kjuəti］ n. 敏锐；尖锐；剧烈and sharpness comes in truth， from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.

It is a fact， I believe， that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there， I feel， and contrast is， after all， God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous⑧ludicrous英 ［'luːdɪkrəs; 'ljuː-］ 美 ［'ludɪkrəs］ adj. 滑稽的；荒唐的fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.

The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant，rude， ignorant， and all round obnoxious⑨obnoxious 英 ［əb'nɒkʃəs］ 美 ［əb'nɑkʃəs］ adj. 讨厌的；可憎的；不愉快的arsehole that anyone could possibly have misfortune to meet.

I am dismissive of the virtuous，unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy.

So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be Best Man. It is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend.

And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.

John， I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth andconstancy of your friendship.

But as I am apparently your best friend， I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually， now I can.

Mary， when I say you deserve this man， it is the highest compliment of which I am capable.

John， you have endured war and injury and tragic loss， so sorry again about that last one， so know this-today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved.

In short， the two people who love you most in all this world，and I know I speak for Mary as well when I say， we will never let you down. And we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.

恐怕我不能恭喜你，约翰。

所有的情感，尤其是爱，与纯粹冷静的理智相违背，而我认为这种理智高于一切。

在我的信念中，婚礼简直就是在庆祝这个病态的道德败坏的世界中一切虚伪、华而不实、荒谬、感伤的东西。

今天我们是在庆祝宣告死亡的蛀虫，它注定了我们社会的消亡，也注定了整个人类的灭亡。

但是，我们还是谈谈约翰吧。

如果我在旅途中找个帮手，这个不会是出于情感需要或是心血来潮，而是由于他本身的一些美好品质，只不过由于对我的痴迷而忽视了。

的确，大家都知道我观察力敏锐。事实上，这不过是和约翰对比出来的，约翰无私地提供了如此强烈的对比。

我相信，事实上，新娘总是倾向于在其重要的日子里选择姿色特别平庸的伴娘。我觉得这肯定是一种对比，毕竟对比是上帝展现他的创造之美的一种手段，或者上帝并不是为结婚的傻瓜们提供了职业机会而设计出来的可笑的幻想。

我想说的是，我是最讨厌、最粗鲁、最无知的人、彻头彻尾的讨厌鬼，任何人遇到我都是一种不幸。

我轻视美德、无视美、不了解如何面对幸福。

所以如果我不明白为什么找我做伴郎，那是因为我从没想过我会是任何人的好朋友。

当然没想过会是我有幸认识的最勇敢、最仁慈、最聪明的人的好朋友。

约翰，我是个荒谬的人。但是我被你的热情和对友谊的忠贞拯救了。

尽管我是你的好朋友，我还是不能祝贺你的婚姻。事实上，现在我要祝贺你。

玛丽，你值得拥有这个男人。这是我能表达对约翰的最高的称赞。

约翰，你经历过战争、受过伤、有过悲惨的损失。我再次对你最近遭受的损失表示遗憾。要知道今天你坐在你的妻子和你拯救过的人中间。

简言之就是世上最爱你的两个人。我知道玛丽也是这么想的：我们永远不会让你失望。我们会用一生的时间来证明。

The lecturer of Zombie Studies is Arnold Blumberg. He wrote a book on zombie①zombie 英 ［'zɒmbɪ］ 美 ［'zɑmbi］ n. 行尸走肉；蛇神；木讷呆板的人movies so is quite the expert on the topic，allowing students to watch classic zombie films and read zombie comics as part of the course.

In 2000， there was a big media backlash②backlash英 ［'bæklæʃ］ 美 ［'bæklæʃ］ n. 反冲；强烈抵制 vt. 强烈反对；发生后冲to Professor Ellis Cashmore introducing a module where students could study David Beckham at Staffordshire University. Football Culture is still a module within Sport， Media and Culture and the lecturer has since defended its inclusion， pointing out that Film Studies was once an absurd concept to employers.

Known as one of the most traditional universities， Durham offers a unit in 'Harry Potter and the Age of Illusion' as part of Education Studies. Students can look at topics such as 'Muggles and magic： the escape from the treadmill③treadmill英 ［'tredmɪl］ 美 ［'trɛdmɪl］ n. 踏车，跑步机；单调的工作and the recovery of enchantment'④enchantment英 ［ɪn'tʃɑːntm（ə）nt］ n. 魅力；魔法；着迷；妖术and 'Gryffindor and Slytherin： prejudice and intolerance in the classroom'.

Trekkies everywhere will be beaming⑤beam 英 ［biːm］ 美 ［bim］ n. 横梁；光线；电波；船宽；［计量］ 秤杆vt. 发送；以梁支撑；用…照射；流露 vi. 照射；堆满笑容at the news that Georgetown University offers a course in 'Philosophy and Star Trek'. Students can attempt to get their most pressing questions answered such as 'Is time travel possible？' and 'Could we go back and kill our grandmothers？'.

The lecturer， Tony Lawrence，said back in 2006 "I went to see Ghostbusters when I was a kid and I thought that would be a great job. Of course the reality is a bit different， but that's when I became interested. We don't tell students what to believe but we help them investigate."

Embedded within the MA in History at Nottingham University is 'The Robin Hood Studies Pathway'. Students can "learn about the tales and ballads⑥ballad英 ［'bæləd］ 美 ［'bæləd］ n. 歌谣，民谣；叙事歌谣；流行抒情歌曲of one of England's most enduring medieval⑦medieval 英 ［ˌmediˈi:vl］ 美 ［,midɪ'ivəl］ adj. 中世纪的；原始的；仿中世纪的；老式的heroes." They'll also get the chance to choose an aspect of the Robin Hood corpus to under take an extended research project.

The University of Glasgow offers students with the unique opportunity of a fully funded doctoral studentship on the 'History of Lace Knitting in Shetland'. On completion⑧completion 英 ［kəm'pliːʃn］ 美 ［kəm'pliʃən］ n. 完成，结束；实现， the student will be registered as a postgraduate at Glasgow University and will benefit from the extensive doctoral training programme provided for all research students

大千世界，无奇不有。

教授僵尸学的是阿诺德布隆伯格。他曾经写过一本关于僵尸电影的书，因此在这方面可以说是一个专家了。作为授课的一部分，他让学生去看经典的僵尸电影，阅读僵尸漫画。

2000年，史塔福郡大学的

Sherlock's Address on Watson's Wedding Ceremony