A Sense of Propriety

Confucius said to go beyond the mark is as bad as to fall short of it. That is， Confucius thought doing something that goes beyond the limit counts as much as not doing enough. Generally speaking， whether it is a big thing or a small thing， the result can only be success or failure， to gain or lose.

There are many reasons behind success and failure. Whether one succeeds or fails depends considerably on the skills one uses in dealing with the problem. “Propriety” is the key to successful interactions with people.

Interacting with somebody should involve tact， avoiding things that would offend them. This is illustrated in the book The Analects of Confucius， in which a student of Confucius said：“When you are too close to your leader， it is the same as inviting humiliation； when you are too close to a friend， the two of you will soon drift apart.”

The students then asked Confucius： “What is your way of dealing with others？” He answered：“Get on appropriately with others， stay close but keep a distance.”

We should note that Confucius had emphasized long ago that people who live together should keep some distance， and avoid“being on very intimate terms with each other.”

The Chinese word for propriety is to have fencun. Fen and cun are units of length， 10 fen are equal to one cun， and 10 cun are equal to one chi. But their literal meaning is extended in this context， referring to appropriate limitations when dealing with other people and things.

It is not that everything or every situation in the world follows the rule： the more the better. What tact or propriety means here is the “range”in materialistic dialectics. “Range” constitutes a boundary or “critical point” in quality or quantity. It does not matter from which direction this boundary is broken. Once it is broken， the nature or pattern of the thing will be completely changed. So learning how to handle the “limit” is key to ones success or failure.

Today， there are only a few people who are completely unrestrained and disregard the consequences of their conduct or behavior. Most people want to act appropriately when dealing with other people and things but suffer from a lack of knowledge of the proper limits for speech or action.

To show tact， it is important not to go to extremes. All things have their own balance and will tilt in one direction or other under the influence of extremes. The natural principle is like the crescent moon that follows the full moon or like a bowl that is too full and overflows. The natural environment works in this way， human society should be the same too. So， a person skilled at being tactful should pay attention to the overall circumstances， not trying to do too much nor failing to do enough.

One must not be carried away by successes nor have their hopes dashed by adversity. When you praise someone， you should not raise them to the sky. When you criticize someone， you cannot walk all over them. Although you may be absolutely correct about a thing， when you and others disagree over it， you should still forgive the others errors. If the matter involves a conflict of interest， you shouldnt seek an absolute black or white solution， but find a common ground to share the profit equally. In your daily life， if you can approach a situation tactfully， with appropriate words， and interact with people morally， dealing with all things in a suitable way， people will accept your requests， respect your dignity and help solve the problem in a reasonable way.

On the other hand， if you dont show tact， speak rudely， interact with people without manners， and behave inappropriately， you will lose their friendship and fail in whatever mission you attempt. Hence， being tactful is a universal law for dealing with the world and the measure of a “good person.”