被替代的爱

文Tessa Hadley 译yemouder 绘老八

被替代的爱

文Tessa Hadley 译yemouder 绘老八

The Surrogate①surrogate 英 ［'sʌrəɡət］ 美 ［'sʌrəɡɪt］ n. 代理；代用品；遗嘱检验法官vt. 代理；指定某人为自己的代理人 adj. 代理的；替代的

When I was twenty， I fell in love with one of the lecturers at my college.

His name was Patrick Hammett， and he taught courses on Shakespeare，seventeenth-century poetry， and critical theory. I took all his classes； I made him my interpreter of the whole world. In a crowd， in a club， you wouldn't have picked him out as particularly good-looking. But in the lecture room，sitting with us in the democratic②democratic 英 ［demə'krætɪk］ 美 ［'dɛmə'krætɪk］ adj. 民主的；民主政治的；大众的circle of chairs that he insisted upon， his looks were a power， a force that I felt physically， like velvet③velvet 英 ［'velvɪt］ 美 ［'vɛlvɪt］ n. 天鹅绒，丝绒；天鹅绒似的东西 adj. 天鹅绒的against my skin. I loved the whitened pressure points that his glasses left on the bridge of his thin crooked④crooked 英 ［'krʊkɪd］ 美 ［'krʊkɪd］ adj. 弯曲的；歪的；不正当的nose. I loved the big nervous hands he was always waving in the air， gesturing uncontrollably as he spoke.

Of course I didn't have a chance with him. Who was I？

He was only six or seven years older than we were， but his life seemed to be made of different stuff than the lives I was familiar with. As far as I knew， he wasn't married or living with anyone. Someone said that he'd once had a relationship with a student， although this was against the rules. That didn't make me any more hopeful. She had probably been one of the clever ones. She had probably been beautiful. I didn't think I was. My looks—I was small and blond with eyes that madethe kids at school call me Frogface—were like the quirky things I said in class. Good on a good day.

In my second year I was so short of money that I got a job working three evenings a week at a pub⑤pub 英 ［pʌb］ 美 ［pʌb］ n. 酒馆；客栈in town. one night， when I came back from asking the landlord to change a barrel， I thought for a moment that I saw Patrick. A man with the same long narrow build and thick shoulderlength hair was standing with his back to the bar， a pint of lager in one hand， looking up at the TV screen. Although this was exactly the sort of plausible⑥plausible 英 ［'plɔːzɪb（ə）l］ 美 ［'plɔzəbl］ adj. 貌似可信的，花言巧语的；貌似真实的，貌似有理的scenario I was always dreaming up to bring us together， in reality I didn't want it to be him. I panicked. I didn't think I could cope with my two roles at once—competent barmaid and besotted⑦bessotted ［bi'sɔtid］ adj. 愚蠢的；糊涂的；醉的 v. 使糊涂（besot的过去式）student—and I had no idea how to respond when he turned around and recognized me. But the bloke， when he turned around， wasn't Patrick， though he did look rather like him. Rather like him but quite different. He had the same crooked nose—more exaggerated， even—and the same close-set eyes that were revealed when Patrick took his glasses off. But he didn't wear glasses. He didn't have any of Patrick's concentrated excitement.

Then I forgot all about him. I didn't expect to see him again. But a week later he was back，and after that it was a regular thing. He came with his friends， and I think he would have come regardless of me—they were just a gang who met up often and were going through aphase of drinking in this particular pub—but he did remember me， and looked for me when he came in the door， and blushed if I served him. When his friends saw us chatting together they teased him. They made him go to the bar for every round， and then they whistled and laughed to encourage him.

"Go on， ask her，" they said， meaning me to hear.

"Fuck off，" he said，red-faced， pretending to be busy with the first mouthful of his pint.

Every time I saw him I'd feel the same shock at his likeness to Patrick.

Eventually I got him to the point where he couldn't help but ask me if he could give me a lift home from work. I felt embarrassed then， as if my game had gone too far. It was always better when he wasn't talking. When he was silent I could recover the illusion I was pursuing. I barely talked to him about myself—about college， about my classes， about my plans. This wasn't the real thing. It was only a secondhand enactment⑧enactment 英 ［ɪ'næktm（ə）nt； e-］ 美 ［ɪ'næktmənt］ n. 制定，颁布；通过；法令of love.

I have forgotten to give his name. His name was Dave.

Only a few years have passed， but a lot has happened since then. These are the years when a lot happens， when your life lurches⑨lurch 英 ［lɜːtʃ］ 美 ［lɝtʃ］ n. 突然倾斜；蹒跚；挫折 vi. 倾斜；蹒跚 vt. 击败across crucial transitions

like a train hurtling

across points at speed. It doesn't always feel that way at the time. At the time， you sometimes feel that life has slowed down to a point of frozen stillness. There's no tedium⑩tedium 英 ［'tiːdɪəm］ 美 ［'tidɪəm］ n. 沉闷；单调乏味；厌烦like the tedium of twenty. But all the while you are in fact flying fast into a future that has already been decided by a couple of accidental encounters or scraps of dreams.

In the end， Patrick Hammett reached out for me. Unbelievably， what he actually said when he did it was that he had always loved me， he had been fascinated by me from the moment I first walked into the lecture room. Or words to that effect. Which just goes to show that you mustn't trust a scrupulous⑪⑪scrupulous 英 ［'skruːpjʊləs］ 美 ［'skrupjələs］ adj. 细心的；小心谨慎的；一丝不苟的⑫preoccupy 英 ［priː'ɒkjʊpaɪ］ 美 ［pri'ɑkjə'pai］ vt. 迷住；使全神贯注⑬equivalence 英 ［ɪ'kwɪv（ə）l（ə）ns］ 美 ［ɪ'kwɪvələns］ n. 等值；相等realism， that sometimes sloppy fantasy comes closer to the true state of things.

I love Patrick. I think we're well matched.

I never told Patrick about Dave. And I've never seen him since. I once looked up gas engineers in the Yellow Pages and found a company that might have been his. I couldn't look him up in the residential phone book because I never knew his last name. In my first few months with Patrick，if I ever thought about Dave I was just embarrassed at what I'd done. But then the idea of him began to preoccupy⑫⑪scrupulous 英 ［'skruːpjʊləs］ 美 ［'skrupjələs］ adj. 细心的；小心谨慎的；一丝不苟的⑫preoccupy 英 ［priː'ɒkjʊpaɪ］ 美 ［pri'ɑkjə'pai］ vt. 迷住；使全神贯注⑬equivalence 英 ［ɪ'kwɪv（ə）l（ə）ns］ 美 ［ɪ'kwɪvələns］ n. 等值；相等me，like an unsolved mystery.

There's no real equivalence⑬⑪scrupulous 英 ［'skruːpjʊləs］ 美 ［'skrupjələs］ adj. 细心的；小心谨慎的；一丝不苟的⑫preoccupy 英 ［priː'ɒkjʊpaɪ］ 美 ［pri'ɑkjə'pai］ vt. 迷住；使全神贯注⑬equivalence 英 ［ɪ'kwɪv（ə）l（ə）ns］ 美 ［ɪ'kwɪvələns］ n. 等值；相等between my situation now and my situation then. I'm happily married to Patrick and given the chance would not even seriously consider throwing in my luck with a stranger I have nothing in common with. That little hunger for a lost chance gets expressed only in my fantasies.

二十岁那年，我爱上了我的老师。

他叫帕特里克·哈密特，教我们莎士比亚戏剧、十七世纪诗歌还有文学批评理论课。我申请了他所有的课，在我眼里，他诠释了整个世界。

在人群中或者在酒吧里，他的长相不算多帅，但是坐在教室里，坐在他坚持为了民主而围成的圆桌中间的时候，他让我感到一种生理上的力量，像是摩擦着我皮肤的天鹅绒。我迷恋他被眼镜压得有些扭曲的鼻梁下方发白的凹点，我迷恋他在说话时经常挥动在空中的大而有力的、不受控制的手掌。

我知道我跟他之间是没有希望的。我什么都不是。

他只比我们大六七岁，但是他的生活对我们来说完全陌生。他并没有结婚，也没有和人同居。有人说他曾经和一个学生有过一段感情，但是这件事没让我产生更多希望。她很可能非常聪明，非常漂亮。而我不是。我很矮，眼睛长得很开，学校里有人给我起了个“青蛙脸”的外号。我整个人就像是我脑子里那些稀奇古怪的念头。

上大二的时候我有些缺钱，所以在市中心找了一份酒吧侍应生的工作，一个星期干三个晚上。有天晚上，当我转过身去告诉老板要换啤酒桶的时候，我觉得某一瞬间我似乎看到了帕特里克。一个有着瘦长身材、齐肩黑发的男人拿着一品脱啤酒坐在吧台后面，盯着电视屏幕。尽管这是我曾经幻想过无数次我们相遇的场景中的一种，但是在现实中我并不希望发生这种事。我感到一阵恐慌。我不认为我能同时演绎两种角色——能干的酒吧女侍和呆笨的学生——而且如果他转过身来认出我的话，我真不知道该说什么。但是这个家伙，当他转过身来的时候，我才发现不是帕特里克。尽管他长得非常像他。很像但是也很不同。他有同样弯曲的鼻子——可能更夸张——以及和帕特里克摘下眼镜之后长得一样的眼睛。但是他不戴眼镜。他身上没有帕特里克对于事物的关注力。

后来我就把他忘了。我并没有期待能再看见他。但是一个星期之后他又来了。后来他就固定来我们这里，和他的朋友们一起。我以为他就是来这儿玩，不会管我——他们就是一帮经常见面，又喜欢在这家酒吧喝酒的人。但是他竟然记得我，进来后会找我，当我给他们上酒的时候，他就会脸红。当他的朋友看到我们聊天的时候就调侃他。他们每次都打发他到吧台这里要酒，然后就开始吹口哨、大笑着鼓励他。

“快点上啊，约她出去。”他们叫嚷着，故意让我听到。

“别闹了。”他说着，脸红了，装作忙着喝啤酒的样子。

每次我见到他，都处在同样的震惊之中。他太像帕特里克了。

后来我们之间的关系逐渐深入，他想在我下班的时候开车送我回家。我有点尴尬，我没想到事情会发展到这个地步。当他不说话的时候，气氛总是好的。只要他保持沉默，我就能重拾我的幻想。我很少跟他谈到我自己——我的学校，我的同学，还有我的计划。这一切都不是真的。这种爱情是二手货。

哦，对了。我忘了告诉你他的名字，他叫戴夫。

后来很多年过去了。很多事情也都发生了。某些事情发生的时候，你感觉你的生活正经历着最重要的过渡，像是一列倾斜的列车一样极速奔驰着，而有些时候，我又会感觉生活像是在某个静止的点上慢了下来。但是下一瞬间，你就会因为一次偶然事件或是梦的零星碎片而飞快地抵达未来。

是的。最终，帕特里克约我出去了。不可思议是吧。他真的像我幻想中的那样跟我说，他一直爱着我，从他踏进教室的那一刻就被我迷住了。换句话说，这一切告诉我，你不用如此相信你眼前所谓的“事实”，有时候那些看上去草率的幻想竟然会更加接近事物本质。

我爱帕特里克。我觉得我们是天造地设的一对。

我从没有跟帕特里克说过戴夫的事。我也再没有见过他。有一次我在黄页里找换天然气的工人，发现一家可能是他开的公司。我并没有在居民电话簿里找他，因为我连他姓什么都不知道。

在我跟帕特里克在一起的头几个月里，只要我一想到戴夫，就会对我之前的所作所为感到惭愧。他这个人像是个未解之谜。

我现在的生活和过去的生活是无法比较的。我幸福地嫁给了帕特里克，甚至都没有认真想一想是否要给这个我曾经垂青过的陌生人机会。那种丧失了一次机会的饥饿感仅存在我的幻想里。