Are Your Friends an Elevator or a Cage?

By Steve Pavlina

When going through major life shifts, like changing careers, I would shift the people with whom I spent the most time. We’ve all gone through periods where the people in our lives have changed—graduation, moving to a new city, getting a new job, joining a new club, etc. I don’t think I need to convince you just how much influence other people can have over your identity. If you’ve ever experienced a major shift in your people environment, then you know that you change as well.

Most people don’t make these choices consciously though. You might consciously decide to spend more time with a certain friend, or you may ask someone out on a date to begin a new relationship. But few people choose the bulk of their existing friendships deliberately.1. the bulk of: 大多数；deliberately: 慎重地，深思熟虑地。Chance meetings2. chance meeting: 邂逅，偶然相遇。may be out of your control, but the strength or weakness of your existing connections is largely under your control.

Think for a moment about the 5—10 people with whom you spend the most time.Even include online communities if you spend a lot of time reading them—which individuals are having the most influence over your thinking right now? Actually write out the list—it should only take a minute. And this includes family members.

毕业、搬家、换工作、出国……我们身边的朋友一换再换，我们自己也因身边人的变化而不断改变。面对友情，我们总会用忠诚来测量它的牢固，仿佛在任何情况下都不离不弃才是最佳的友情。有些时候，结果会令人满意，但在其他时候，彼此的羁绊反而使双方都跌入谷底。明智的友情，不应是来者不拒，而应是精挑细选，适当的取舍还可能会带来意想不到的积极效果。

Now look at the list. It’s been said that this list will give you a glimpse into your future.

Do you want to become more like these people? Yes or no. Is anyone on the list a bad influence that causes you to backslide3. backslide: 倒退。? Is anyone on the list a shining light that encourages you to reach new heights?

Now have you ever thought about consciously changing this list? Do you realize that you have the ability to populate this list by choice instead of by chance?4. 你是否意识到你有能力自主选择名单上的人，而不是单凭偶然？populate: 移民于，使人口聚集于。You’re free to say no to having certain people in your life, and you’re also free to make the effort to introduce new people you want in your life. Sometimes there are serious consequences,such as with family members and bosses, but it’s still a choice.

There’s no “getting rid of5. get rid of: 除去，摆脱。people.” People are always drifting in6. drift in: 偶然进入，随意进入。and out of each others’ lives. Associations grow into friendships, and friendships fade into associations.You don’t get rid of anyone. The truth is that in order to make room for new people and new experiences, you may need to loosen up some of your existing connections.

What about loyalty? Shouldn’t you always be loyal to your friends? Once you have a close friend, even if their influence on you is somewhat destructive, shouldn’t you stick by them?7. destructive: 破坏性的；stick by: 支持，忠于。

Loyalty is one of my personal values. But my value of loyalty means being loyal to my vision of my highest and best self and to my core values8. core value: 核心价值观。. And this runs both ways. While I know I can’t afford to hang on to friendships that conflict with my values, I also can’t hang onto friends that I may be holding back in some way. I only want to have win-win relationships where everyone benefits.

Loyalty to a friend sometimes means having to let go. It means being loyal to their highest and best self as well. If someone is destroying their health by smoking, for example, you aren’t showing loyalty by smoking right along with them. True loyalty sometimes requires that you break destructive connections,get yourself back on solid ground, and then decide what you can really do to help your friend (which sometimes requires letting them hit bottom9. hit bottom: 达到最坏的程度。).

It can take a lot of courage to tell someone, “I’m sorry, but I can’t have you in my life anymore.” But even though this might seem like a selfish act at times,it’s often the best thing for the other person too. If a relationship is holding you back in some way, understand that it’s also hurting the other person. For example,if you work for an abusive boss, your acceptance of that situation constitutes silent approval, encouraging your boss to continue to behave abusively (towards yourself and others).10. 举个例子，如果你的上司很暴虐，你的接受就是无声的认同，使得你的上司继续对你或其他人恶言相待。abusive: 施虐的，谩骂的；constitute: 被视为。

If you smoke and suddenly say to all your smoker friends, “I’m sorry, but I can’t continue to be friends with people who smoke anymore. I’ve decided I need to be a nonsmoker,” you’ll probably meet with a lot of resistance11. resistance: 反对，抗拒。. But if you follow through with it, your actions will eat away at12. eat away at: 烦扰，使……烦心。some of those old friends.And a year later when you’re a nonsmoker, one of them will contact you privately, “I’d like to quit too. Can you help me?” And you will be able to help. You might even renew your old friendship, but at a whole new level.

The kinds of relationships I seek out today are those which have the potential to be winwin, where both people can help each other to grow in positive ways without holding each other back. Not one person using the other—synergy.13. 两个人都不会利用对方，而是共同进步。synergy: 协同作用。I’m always open and inviting of new friendships of this kind. If I ever feel like I’m stuck in a cage, I know it’s time to reach out and make some new connections and/or loosen up some old ones.