Hiding My Talent No More 天生我才何必藏

郭树霞

When I was in elementary school， doing well in school was the only thing that mattered to me. I always thought that being the smartest meant being the best.

In my elementary school， a lot of kids seemed to share my attitude. It was common to see kids always wanting to do their best so that they could be teacher's pet.

When I got to junior high school， this all changed. The mood and the atmosphere of the school were totally different from what I was used to. No one seemed to care about their classes.

In that environment， you looked crazy if you were doing any work. The important thing was to have friends. If you didn't have any friends， then you were nothing. You would get picked on1）， cursed out in the hallways， and if you were to have a fight， it would never be one-on-one2）. I decided schoolwork wasn't going to be my top priority anymore. Instead， I made it a point to have friends.

Instead of always going to class and doing my homework， like I had in elementary school， I got into a new routine. I started thinking of school as a playground. It was like I could do anything there—cut class， write on the walls， hide in the bathrooms—and nobody would know about it because there were so many kids in that school.

This doesn't mean that I never did any work. I did just enough to pass. But I never let my friends find out. On the days when I did my homework， I used to wait until after the class to give it to the teacher so my friends wouldn't see. If they knew， I was sure they would give me a hard time. They would be like， "What are you doing the work for？ What， you think you're better than us？"

I've always cared about what other people thought. In elementary school I was liked and respected for being smart and always doing my work—not just by my family and the teachers， but by the other kids too. But in junior high， I thought my classmates would like me better if I acted more like them—lazy and not caring about anything except going home to watch TV.

After pretending to be lazy for a while， I started to actually get lazy. By January of 6th grade， I hated school. I hated the fact that I had to get up so early. I hated to do my homework. After class， I just wanted to go to my bed and sleep or watch TV. The less work I did， the harder it got to do any work at all.

A lot of my teachers said that I had the potential to get high marks if I spent more time in class and got rid of my friends. But I didn't listen. I thought that they were just saying that. I didn't think that they really cared. When I brought my report card home， my mom would say， "I know you can do better； next time I want this to be higher." I didn't listen to her either.

Then something happened. My class was divided up. The kids with the worst behavior and grades， including most of my friends， were sent to a different building. Since I didn't have my crew to do things with anymore， I felt I had two choices—I could either not go to school at all， or I could start doing my work.

I knew my mother would kill me if she ever heard me say anything about not going to school. So I started to go to class every day and began to do my homework on a more regular basis. My teachers were happy and， inside， so was I.

By the time I was in 8th grade （my last year in junior high）， I had worked my way up to a "B" average. I still felt that I could do better， but I didn't want to get higher grades than most of the people in my class. I thought that they would get mad at me and be like， "Oh， now she thinks that she's smarter than me."

Then came 9th grade and a big reality check3）. I had thought that high school was going be the same as junior high， only more so—a bigger playground to roam in. I was wrong. Even though most of the kids were the same， the atmosphere was very different.

My teachers knew that I was smart and saw right through my front4） of acting like I didn't care. Still， I thought that as long as I handed in a couple of pieces of work where I did my best， they would be satisfied and not bother me all the time. But they wouldn't leave me alone. For my whole freshman year， I was constantly told that I could do better. It just went in one ear and came out the other.

Then， over the summer， I was talking to a friend of mine who was in college. My friend started telling me that there was no way I would get a scholarship the way I was going. Then he told me that I should probably just forget about college because it seemed like I would never even be able to finish high school if I was so lazy.

He put so much fear in me that I spent the rest of that summer thinking about what he said. It was the same thing my teachers had been telling me for years. It finally started to sink in5）. For a long time， it had been my dream to be the first one in my family to graduate from high school and go to college. Now I realized that I was going to have to work to make that dream come true.

A week before school started， I promised myself that I was going to bring my grades up till they could not get any higher. And that's exactly what I did.

For my whole 10th grade year， I did nothing but work. I used to be in school from 8：00 in the morning until 5：30 or 6：00 in the evening. I did so well that most people were like， "I knew you had it in you， but I didn't realize how much."

I was staying after school so much that my adviser started to worry about me. The principal even started kicking me out because I was there really late practically every day. （I could never figure out why they were complaining about my staying after school. I thought that was a good thing.）

Breaking my lazy habits wasn't easy. In fact， I think it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to get used to doing my homework every night， not just when I felt like it. And I had to make a lot of sacrifices. I could not sit home and watch TV all day. I hardly listened to the radio.

And I didn't see a lot of my old friends outside of school. Every time they asked me to go out， I was always saying， "No， I can't. I have to stay after school and finish my work."

I've made a lot of new friends since junior high and I think they're part of the reason why I've been able to change. Because of them， I don't worry so much anymore about what other people will think of me if I get good marks. They accept me the way I am. If they don't see me studying， they will be like， "Why aren't you doing any work？ That's not like you. You better hurry up； this is due Friday." That makes me feel good. Because they really care， they want to see me work.

So， here I am， a junior almost ready for college—not at all ashamed of how bright I am， and not caring who knows it. It feels like that good girl I once had inside me has come back.

在我上小学时，对我来说唯一重要的事情就是要学习出色。我那时总是认为成为最聪明的就意味着是最棒的。

在我所上的小学，很多孩子似乎都和我持相同的心态。可以经常看到孩子们总是想竭尽全力做到最好，好让自己能成为老师的宠儿。

等到我上初中时，这全都变了。学校里的气氛和氛围跟我以往所习惯的完全不同，似乎没有人关心自己的课业。

在那种环境里，如果你在做什么作业，那你看上去就是个疯子。交到朋友才是要紧的事。如果你没有任何朋友，那你就一无是处。在学校走廊里有人就会找你的茬，咒骂你，如果你想打上一架，那绝对不会是一对一的较量。我下定决心不再把做功课当做我的首要任务。相反，我把交朋友当成了重中之重。

我没有像上小学时那样天天去上课、做作业，而是养成了一个新习惯。我开始把学校当做是一个游乐场，就好像我能在那儿为所欲为——逃课，在墙上乱写，躲在厕所——而且没人会知道我做了这些，因为那个学校里的学生太多了。

这并不意味着我从来不做任何作业。我还是做的，够及格就行。但我从来不会让我的朋友们发现。如果哪天我做了作业，我常常等到下课后再把作业交给老师，这样我的朋友们就不会看见了。如果他们知道了，我敢肯定他们不会让我有好日子过的。他们会说：“你做作业是为了什么啊？什么，你觉得你比我们强吗？”

我一直很在意别人的想法。小学时，因为我很聪明而且总是认真完成作业，所以不仅我的家人和老师，就连其他的孩子也喜欢我、尊重我。但到了初中，我觉得要是我在行为举止上更像他们那样懒惰，而且除了回家看电视其他什么都不关心的话，我的那些同学会更喜欢我。

装懒装了一段时间之后，我开始真得变懒了。到六年级的那个1月份时，我开始讨厌上学，我讨厌我必须起那么早这一事实，我讨厌做家庭作业。下课后，我只想上床睡觉或者看电视。我做的作业越少，做作业这件事就变得越难。

我的很多老师都说只要我在功课上多花点时间并和我那些朋友绝交，我就有得高分的潜力，但我听不进去。我觉得他们只不过是那么说说而已，觉得他们不是真的关心。当我把我的成绩报告单带回家时，我妈妈会说：“我知道你可以做得更好；下一次我希望你的分数能再高一点。”我也听不进她的话。

接着发生了一件事。我所在的班分班了。那些表现最差、成绩最差的孩子，包括我大部分朋友，被送到了另一栋楼。鉴于我再也没有那些朋友跟我一起玩了，我觉得我有两个选择——我可以干脆不去上学，或者我也可以拾起我的学业。

我知道如果我妈妈听到我说那些不去上学的鬼话，她一定会杀了我。因此我开始每天去上课，更加规律和频繁地做家庭作业。我的老师们都很高兴，而我的内心深处也很高兴。

到我上八年级（初中最后一年）的时候，我已经通过自己的努力平均成绩拿到了“B”。我仍然觉得我可以考得更好，但我不希望我的分数超过班里大部分同学的。我觉得他们会生我的气，会说：“哦，现在她认为她比我更聪明吧。”

接着我升入了九年级，认清了一个重要的现实状况。我原以为高中会和初中差不多，只不过就是多了一个更大的操场可以漫步。我想错了。虽然学生大多还是原来那些，但气氛却很不一样。

老师们知道我聪明，尽管我表现得好像不在乎，但他们一眼就看穿了我的伪装。我还是觉得只要我交几次作业而且尽全力把作业做好，他们就会满意，就不会一直烦我了。但他们却不愿放过我。整个九年级期间，不断有人和我说我能做得更好。这些话全都左耳朵进，右耳朵出了。

后来，在那年暑假，我和一个上了大学的朋友聊天。我朋友开始跟我说，如果我照现在这个样子继续下去，是绝不可能拿到大学奖学金的。然后他告诉我，或许我就应该忘了上大学这档子事，因为如果照我这个懒样，我似乎连高中毕业都没戏。

他让我着实害怕了，在那个暑假剩下的日子里我都在琢磨他说的话。这和老师们这些年一直和我说的一模一样。我终于开始领会现实了。很长一段时间以来，成为我们家从高中毕业去上大学的第一人一直是我的梦想。现在我意识到，我必须付诸努力才能够梦想成真。

开学前一周，我对自己发誓要把分数提上去，提到不能再高为止。我也正是这么做的。

十年级一整年，我除了学习什么也没做。我常常在学校从早上8：00一直待到晚上5：30或6：00。我做得相当出色，大部分人都对我说：“我早就知道你有潜力，但没想到你潜力这么大。”

我总是放学后留校学习，我的指导老师都开始担心我了。校长甚至开始撵我，因为我几乎每天都在学校学习到很晚。（我从未弄清楚过他们为什么要抱怨我放学后留校学习，我认为这是件好事啊。）

改掉懒惰的习惯并不容易。事实上，我认为这是我做过的最难的事情。我必须习惯每天晚上都做作业，而不只是想做的时候才做。我必须做出很多牺牲。我不能整天坐在家里看电视了，我也几乎不听收音机了。

我也不经常在校外和我那些老朋友见面了。每次他们叫我出去，我总是说：“不行，我不能去，我放学后得留下来做完我的作业。”

初中以后我结交了很多新朋友，在我看来，他们是我得以改变的部分原因。因为他们，我不再担心如果我考了好成绩，其他人会怎么看我。他们接受真实的我。如果他们没看见我学习，他们会说：“你怎么不做功课啊？那可不像你。你最好抓紧时间，这个作业星期五就要交的。”这让我感觉很窝心。因为他们是真的关心，他们想看到我努力学习。

所以，我才成为现在的自己，一个中学生，基本做好了上大学的准备——我一点儿也不为自己的聪明难为情，也不在乎谁知道我聪明，感觉就像是那个曾经在我内心深处的好女孩儿回来了！