书面表达精练

李志晓　闫继权

A

文章来源：英文学习网

某报纸有一讨论的栏目，讨论的主题是good health,学生、家长、老师等对此看法不一。

假设你叫李宁，请根据以下提示写一短文，发表你自己的看法，一定要从以下角度去写。

1. 健康的重要性：毫无疑问，健康与我们的幸福密不可分。不管你是谁，只有拥有健康的体魄，才能享受生活的乐趣和成功的喜悦。

2. 保持身体健康的方法：进行体育锻炼，合理的饮食习惯，乐观的态度。

3. 我是这样做的：经常打篮球，吃好睡好，勇敢面对生活。

要求：

1. 词数：100左右。

2. 注意语句连贯。

3. 不要逐句翻译。

1. 【思维导航】

这是一篇典型的提纲式作文，它是让你对某一现象发表自己的看法。要求中的三个提纲给出了文章的框架，一定要用过渡词把它们衔接起来构成一篇完整的文章。行文应用一般现在时。

2. 【学生习作】

试分析如下学生习作的优缺点并尽量改正其中的错误：

There is no doubt that everyone is thirst① for good health. No matter who you are, good health can bring you lots of success and fun. Owning a healthy body is the source of happiness. Therefore, it is very important for us to keep fit.

There are many ways to keep fit. Firstly,you can have enough exercise. Second②, you should have proper eating habits. Thirdly, you should keep good spirits③.

As a middle school student, I always keep importance of health in my mind. Playing basketball is my hobby and doing it frequently makes me enough strong④. I can face the difficulties in the life positively. As a result, now Im leading a happy life.

3. 【专家点评】

（１）总体评价

本文的作者按照所给的要求去组织材料，从正面的角度去行文。在写作的过程中运用了一些表顺序的词汇和过渡词，并且作者使这三个提纲能平行叙述下去，文章达到了一个浑然一体的境界。

（２）亮点或采分点

① Owning a healthy body is the source of happiness.

② No matter who you are, good health can bring you lots of success and fun.

③ As a result, now I am leading a happy life.

（３）错误更正

① thirst是一名词，be thirsty for是一固定短语，意思是渴望、渴求。thirst改为 thirsty。

② 因为前面使用了Firstly，最后使用了Thirdly，所以second应改为secondly。

③You should keep good spirits这句词不达意，按搭配词典这句话的意思是“你应该养善良的神灵”，应改为you should always be in (high, great, royal) spirits.。这样改了还没有达到要求，最好改为you should take an optimistic attitude towards whatever you come across.

④ strong是形容词，enough是副词，他们的位置应该交换，因为enough做副词时它修饰形容词或副词，它应位于形容词或副词之后。

（４）锦上添花

① 习作中的There is no doubt that everyone is thirsty for good health.也可改为Th-ere is no doubt about everybody being thirsty for good health.

② 在文章中有表达顺序的三个词汇，也可用First, Second, Third。

③ 要求第三点中提到了“吃好、睡好”文章中未提到此要点，应补上I have a good, regular diet every day。

（５）五彩缤纷

本文中自由发挥的空间较大，可使用下面一些短语和句型来丰富文章的内容，增加文章的可读性。例如：

① to keep fit也可用to stay healthy来代替。

② as a middle school student也可用as for me, as far as Im concerned。

③ as a result也可用consequently。

4. 【参考范文】

The desire for good health is universal. The possession of good health is the source of happiness. Good health can make us face the challenge of our life; it also brings us success and pleasure. Therefore, it is of great importance to stay healthy.

Ways to keep fit are various. First, enough exercise every day is necessary. Second, in your life, proper eating habits are essential. Third, you should take an optimistic attitude towards whatever you come across.

As for me, I bear the importance of health in my mind. After school, I frequently play basketball with my classmates. I often eat well, sleep well and hold a positive attitude toward life. Therefore, I am living a happy life.

5. 【范文背诵】

请依据如下提示词在15分钟内背下范文并于第二天早晨再朗读并背诵一遍。

desire, happiness, challenge, success,

importance, ways, exercise, habits, spirits, idea, play, attitude

6. 【重写作文】

请于三天后先用纸蒙住上述学生习作及范文并依据上述提示词重写作文，然后与范文进行比较和修改。

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B

文章来源：小学语文课本

假如你是一名美国中学生，利用暑假来中国学习汉语，在语文课上，老师要求根据下面五幅关于司马光砸缸救人的故事的图画，写一篇短文记叙这件事情。

注意：

① 短文须包括所有图画内容，可以适当增加细节以使故事连贯；

② 词数120-140左右。

生词提示：捉迷藏hide-and-seek n.缸vat 爬出来 crawl out

1. 【思维导航】

本文属于记叙文。图画描述的是司马光砸缸救人的故事，行文应使用一般过去时。文章应使用第三人称形式。

2. 【学生习作】

试分析如下学生习作的优缺点并尽量改正其中的错误：

①On one Sunday Sima Guang and his partners were playing hide-and-seek happily. One of the boys was looking for a place to hide himself. There happened to be a big vat near him. “Ill hide in the vat.” He said to himself. So he climbed up the vat and jumped into it. Bad luck! Only when he was in the vat did he find the vat was full of water. He tried to get out, but he failed, as the water was deep and the vat was high.

“Help! Help!”he cried with fear. All the other boys came to② rescue, but found they were not tall enough to save the boy. Then Sima Guang had an idea. He picked up a big stone and hit the vat broken. The water ran out to③ all directions, and the boy inside crawled out and was saved.

3. 【专家点评】

（１）总体评价

该文想像丰富，合情合理。审题到位，主题明确，层次分明，条理清晰，按事件发生、发展的先后顺序使叙述具体、完整，语言流畅，运用了较多的语法结构和英语句型，有效运用了语句间的连接成分，不失为一篇佳作，但还有一些语言错误。

（２）亮点或采分点

① There happened to be a big vat near him.

② Only when he was in the vat did he find the vat was full of water.

（３）错误更正

① On one Sunday中的介词on应该去掉。不带介词的类似状语还有one morning, this Saturday, that year等。

② to 后应添加the或his。come to the / his rescue帮助某人。

③ to all directions中的to应改为in, in all directions向四面八方。

（４）锦上添花

① 习作中用Sima Guang had an idea，也可用An idea occurred to Sima Guang.或A good idea struck Sima Guang.或It suddenly struck Sima Guang how he could save him.。

② 习作中用the boy inside crawled out,也可用the boy inside was able to crawl out。

（５）五彩缤纷

本文中自由发挥的空间较大，可使用下面一些短语和句型来丰富文章的内容，增加文章的可读性。例如：

① 表达“营救困难”这一信息用They found it difficult for them to save the boy.。

② 文章结尾处最好附上一句思想性强的结尾What a clever boy Sima Guang was!

4. 【参考范文】

One day Sima Guang, together with some playmates was playing hide-and-seek happily. One of them was looking for a place to hide himself in. There happened to be a big vat near him. So he climbed up the vat and jumped into it. Unfortunately, it was deep and full of water. He attempted to get out, but failed.

He shouted for help with fear. All the others ran over to his help, but the vat was so high that it was well out of their reach. It suddenly struck Sima Guang how he could save him. He picked up a big stone and hit the vat. The moment the water ran out, the boy inside crawled out and was saved.

What a clever boy Sima Guang was!

5. 【范文背诵】

请依据如下提示词在15分钟内背下范文并于第二天早晨再朗读并背诵一遍。

play, hide-and-seek, look for, vat, jump, water, cry, help, Sima Guang, stone, hit, save

6. 【重写作文】

请于三天后先用纸蒙住上述学生习作及范文并依据上述提示词重写作文，然后与范文进行比较和修改。

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