巧用动作链，刻画动作细节

李奕群

【问题导读】

学生在进行读后续写的过程中，势必会进行动作的描写。纵观学生习作，笔者发现学生在进行动作描写时经常会出现以下几个问题：1. 动词使用笼统，缺乏动作连贯。2. 使用单个动态动作或静态动作。3. 描述漫无目的，失去描写功能。

新课标对学生的语言技能中的表达性技能提出了要求，而高考的读后续写题恰恰需要学生展现描述能力。在读后续写中，使得人物“动”起来的一个重要方面就是动作链的细节描写。

【名师导学】

动作描写是情节推进的重要工具，好比故事的“跳动的心脏”。将一个动作分解成一步步的过程，就形成了连贯的“慢镜头描写”，这就是动作链。动作链有以下功能：1. 调整节奏，烘托氛围。2. 凸显焦点，衬托性格。动作链常用的有两种形式：1. 动作一， 动作二 and 动作三。例如：“Then she straightened up the kitchen， lit the lamp andmended the fire.”。2. 动作一， 动作二， and/then 动作三， 分词。例如：“The womandropped the clothes， looked at Mr Morel， then went on with her work， saying nothing.”。

【案例导引】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

The other shoe

Shoes are made for walking.

But Aamir， a homeless Indian boy， doubted it. Wandering at the noisy railway plat?form， he found one of his flip?flops （人字拖鞋） broken again. He hurried to a corner， satdown and tried to fix it， his bare foot pressing awkwardly against the ground. How?ever， it was beyond repair.

He gave up and looked around aimlessly， staring at peoples shoes. Suddenly， hiseyes were drawn to two boyish legs wearing flawlessly white socks and equally perfectblack leather shoes， which were glittering in the mid?day sun. It was a boy of his age. Hecouldnt treasure his possession too much， obviously， because every ten seconds， hestopped， bent down and carefully wiped a dust or two from his shoes. His father wasconstantly glancing over and urging him，“ Hurry up！ The train is coming！”

Aamirs eyes followed the father and son， but mostly the leather shoes， as if enchanted（被施了魔法的）. Imagining himself wearing them， the comfort from the good leather，jaw?dropping look on his friends faces， he couldnt help cracking a big smile.

The bell of the train drew him back. The fancy?shoe boy and his father were about toget aboard. They tried to crowd into the doorway. However， the instant the boy entered thecompartment （车厢）， one of his shoes fell off and before he could pick it up， the train beganto pull away.

The shoe was now lying alone on the platform. Aamirs eyes lit up with excitement.Like an arrow， he shot for the shoe and then picked it up， holding it with both handsas if holding the Queens crown. After a few seconds of hesitating and looking fromthe shoe to the train and back， he began racing—with only one good shoe， hisflip?flop.

He held the leather shoe up， trying to pass it to the boy through the window， who wasdesperately reaching out his hand as well. However， it was never close enough.

注意：续写词数应为150左右

Paragraph 1：

That left Aamir no choice but to throw the shoe onto the train.

Paragraph 2：

But when he raised his head， Aamir saw the other shoe thrown out of the window.

一、故事梳理

这篇文章是以第三人称的视角讲述Aamir ——一个无家可归的印度男孩与一双精美鞋子的故事。这个故事开篇以“Shoes are made for walking.”引发我们的思考。文章以鞋子这个意向贯穿全文，表达的是一种人文关怀：一只鞋再精美也没法走路，还不如把另外一只鞋也留下送给有需要的人。我们可以用“5W原则”来分析文章结构和内容：

二、语言分析

通过观察我们发现原文使用了大量动作链的描写，这些动作链的描写让动作细节更加具体、生动。比如：

1. He hurried to a corner， sat down and tried to fix it， his bare foot pressing awkwardlyagainst the ground（. Para. 2）

他急忙走到一个角落里，坐下来，试图修好它，他光着的那只脚笨拙地踩在地上。

2. He gave up and looked around aimlessly， staring at peoples shoes（. Para. 3）

他放弃了，漫无目的地环顾四周，盯着人们的鞋子。

3. He couldnt treasure his possession too much， obviously， because every ten sec?onds， he stopped， bent down and carefully wiped a dust or two from his shoes（. Para. 3）

显然，他很珍惜自己的东西，因为每隔十秒钟，他就会停下来，弯下腰，小心仔细地擦掉鞋子上的一两粒灰尘。

4. Like an arrow， he shot for the shoe and then picked it up， holding it with both handsas if holding the Queens crown（. Para. 6）

他像箭一样冲向鞋子，然后把它捡起来，双手捧着它，好像捧着女王的王冠。

5. After a few seconds of hesitating and looking from the shoe to the train and back， hebegan racing—with only one good shoe， his flip?flop（. Para. 6）

经过几秒钟的犹豫，他看看鞋子又看看火车，再回头看，然后他开始奔跑——穿着他的那只尚未损坏的人字拖鞋。

三、常用招式

动作链的实现途径可分为以下几种：

1. 庖丁解牛，按时间顺序分解大动作。

场景：Max和Charley终于追赶上了冰激凌车。

动作描写手段：“追赶上”这个大动作按时间顺序分解为“摆动双臂+拖着身躯+看到车子”。

动作链句型：Max and Charley flailed their arms， dragged their feet towards the nextstop， and finally spotted the ice cream truck again.

2. 动静结合，按中心动作创建动作面。

场景：Max和Charley终于追赶上了冰激凌车。

动作描写手段：肢体—头部/面部

动作链句型：Flailing their arms/Clutching their fists into white knots/Teeth clenched，Max and Charley strode forward and finally caught sight of the ice cream truck.

3. 和情感、环境、心理、语言等结合，形成动作面。

场景：Max和Charley 终于追赶上了冰激凌车。

动作描写手段：添加心理活动描写

动作链句型：Burning with excitement， Max and Charley kept running for a long timeand finally saw the ice cream truck again.

参考范文

（加黑部分使用了动作链。）

Paragraph 1：

That left Aamir no choice but to throw the shoe onto the train. With his eyes fixed onthe window， Aamir put all his strength in his right hand and made a powerfulthrow. However， he abruptly fell off because of the broken flip?flop. Without a secondthought， he tried again， but the shoe just flew past the window frame and fell on the plat?form like a dead leaf. Seeing this， Aamir stamped his feet， wearing a frustrated look.“Are shoes really made for walking？” Aamir thought with depression. He dropped hishead with eyes staring at the ground， not knowing what to do next.

Paragraph 2：

But when he raised his head， Aamir saw the other shoe thrown out of the window.Miraculously， it landed on the platform several steps away from him. Before he could lookup again and seek out the fancy?shoe boy， the train sped on， vanishing in the distance.What remained in sight was the meandering rail track and the rolling mountains faraway. Twenty years later， when he was launching his new footwear product at apress conference， wearing a pair of shining leather shoes， Aamir started his presentationwith a simple sentence，“ Shoes are made for walking.”

【模拟导练】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

The spot of red was what first caught Randy Heisss attention on December 16， 2018.He was hiking the remote land behind his farm in a small town near the US?Mexico border，and there was a balloon lying on the grass. He walked towards it with his dog， thinking heshould pick it up and throw it away.

Thats when he noticed the balloons string was attached to a piece of paper.“Dayami，” it read on one side， in a childs writing. Heiss flipped the paper over. On theback， he saw a numbered list， all in Spanish. His Spanish wasnt very good， but he couldsee it was a gift list before New Year！

Heiss was charmed. He suspected that a child had tried to send a wish list by balloon，something he used to do himself when he was a kid. Nobody had ever returned the lettersHeiss had sent， but he wondered whether he could find the child who had sent this one.

It would be difficult， but Heiss had a few clues. About 20 miles to the southwest， justacross the border， was the city of Nogales， Mexico， with a population of about a quarter mil?lion. Based on the wind direction， he was almost sure that was where it came from. Heissbrought the note home to his wife， who is fluent in Spanish and helped him translate thelist. They determined that Dayami， probably a girl， had asked for a doll， a dollhouse， dollclothes and art supplies.

Heiss then posted his search about finding Dayami on the Internet， attaching photos，hoping some of his friends in Nogales might know the girls family. A few days passed withno results. Heiss worried that time was running out before New Year. On December 19，2018， he decided to send a private message to Radio Xeny， an AM radio station based inNogales. To his surprise， someone from the station called him back right away andpromised him to post his search on the stations website page immediately.

注意：續写词数应为150左右。

Paragraph 1：

The next morning， Heiss awoke to a message from Radio Xeny.

Paragraph 2：

Dayamis eyes were wide open with wonder

【评价导思】

1. 我的续写文章在语言风格上与原文是否协同一致？

2. 在进行动作描写时，我使用了哪些句式结构？

3. 为了更好地刻画动作细节，哪些地方适合修改成动作链？