多样描写，增强故事张力

彭文国

【问题导读】

读后续写主要考查考生续写出好故事的能力，而要想续写出一个好的故事，除了要有符合原文风格且逻辑合理的情节构思，还要有对故事的细节的描写。故事的情节正如文章这棵大树的主干，而对细节的描写则是大树的枝叶。大树有枝又有叶，才可能是一棵完整的、美丽的大树。文章情节合理、细节描写生动传神，才可能是一篇好的文章。多样的、精彩的描写才能造就一个引人入胜的故事。那么，我们怎么才能叙述好一个故事呢？

【名师导学】

1. 描写可以分为动作描写、心理描写和场景描写等。我们在叙述故事的过程中，要根据故事的发展和情景的需要，从心理、动作和场景等方面进行合理的、生动的描写。

2. 在进行细节描写的时候，要注意多样性。我们既要照顾到信息的各个层面，如动作、心理、场景等，又要注意词汇和句子结构的多样性。

3. 在描写的过程中，我们可以用生动的词汇和高级句式结构，同时也要适当使用修辞手法，如拟人、比喻等。

【案例导引】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

I have a good neighbor， whose name is Nick. He is tall and warm-hearted. About a half-mile behind our Minnesota farm lay a little pond. In summer， my brother Harry and I would run through a stand of oak trees to skip stones there. The little pond wore a collar of black mud. It was not a place for swimming.

In late summer， the pond would be covered by a green and bubbly scum（起泡的浮垢）. Sometimes a strong， unpleasant smell rose from it. We stayed away.

When winter came， the pond was once again an inviting place. One day when ice covered it， Harry said to me， “Try walking across.”

The ice looked solid. No water showed through it， but I hesitated. “Go ahead，” Harry urged. “Try it. You're lighter than I am. If the ice holds， we can run and slide carefully on it. It'll be fun.” I wanted to please Harry， and I thought about the fun of a long slide on the ice. I began to slide across the pond.

In the middle of the pond， the ice gave way to a sudden crack（裂缝）！ I stretched out（伸展） my arms. The next thing I knew was that I was hanging on to the edge of a hole in the ice by arms outstretched on the ice. From my shoulders down I hung in icy water. I thought of the bottom of the pond. I knew it would be black and awful down there， full of mud and maybe rotting creatures.

I tried to climb out of the hole， but when I got a knee on the ice， it broke like window glass. Again and again I tried to get out. Again and again the ice broke into pieces. The hole widened. I was wearing a coat of heavy material. As it became completely wet， it dragged me down. I was tired of the struggle and rested with my arms stretched out on the ice.

I looked at Harry on shore. He seemed rooted to the spot. “I can't get out！” I screamed when I caught some breath. （選材改编自2020年浙江省十校联考）

注意：

1. 所续写短文的词数应为150左右;

2. 续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好。

Paragraph 1：

Harry turned and ran away from the pond.   _______________________________________________________________________________________________________gzslib202204011948

Paragraph 2：

Mum was shocked to see us come back in such a mess.  ________________________________________________________________________________

一、原文寫作特点分析

本文是利用细节描写来展现故事张力的比较典型的文章。文章的故事结构很简单。开篇的场景描写简单地描述了“我”家农场附近的池塘的基本情况。文章的主要内容是“我”在哥哥的怂恿下尝试在结冰的池塘上滑冰，却不幸掉进了冰窟窿。文章主要对“我”掉进冰窟窿时的惊恐心理和挣扎着要爬出来的情景和动作进行了描写。文章用多种描写充分展示了“我”掉进冰窟窿时惊恐的心理状态、试图爬出来时行动的艰难，以及冬天的寒冷场景。所以，本文很好地展示了描写在故事叙述中的重要作用。同时，本文也用了一系列的修辞手法。

1. 场景描写

a stand of oak trees 一片橡树林

The pond would be covered by a green and bubbly scum. 池塘会被绿色的泡沫状浮垢覆盖。

In the middle of the pond， the ice gave way to a sudden crack！ 在池塘中央，冰突然裂开了！

2. 动作描写

I stretched out my arms. 我伸出我的胳膊。

I was hanging on to the edge of a hole in the ice by arms outstretched on the ice. 我伸开双臂，紧紧抓住冰面上一个洞口的边缘。

I was tired of the struggle and rested with my arms stretched out on the ice. 我挣扎得累了，把双臂摊开在冰面上休息。

3. 心理描写

No water showed through it， but I hesitated. 从冰面上看不到水，但是我还是犹豫了。

I wanted to please Harry， and I thought about the fun of a long slide on the ice. 我想取悦哈里，我还想到了在冰面上滑一长段距离的乐趣。

4. 拟人的修辞手法

The pond wore a collar of black mud. 池塘边上有一圈黑泥。（池塘戴着黑泥领子。）

5. 比喻的修辞手法

When I got a knee on the ice， it broke like window glass. 当我的膝盖碰到冰时，它像窗户玻璃一样碎了。

6. 排比的修辞手法

Again and again I tried to get out. Again and again the ice broke into pieces. 我一次又一次地想出去。冰一次又一次地裂成碎片。

二、续写故事设计

根据原文故事结尾的句子“I looked at Harry on shore. He seemed rooted to the spot. ‘I can't get out！ I screamed when I caught some breath.”可知，由于事发突然，哈里非常惊恐，以至于不知所措，呆呆地站在原地。“我”对他大声叫喊求救。

根据续写第一段的段首句“Harry turned and ran away from the pond.”和续写第二段的段首句“Mum was shocked to see us come back in such a mess.”可知，听到“我”向他求救，哈里反而跑离了池塘，而续写第二段是“我”从冰窟窿里逃离了出来。

那么续写的第一段中“我”应该逃出了冰窟窿。根据情节的发展，续写第一段的主要内容是“我”逃出冰窟窿的过程。那么我们应该怎么设计呢？

根据续写第二段的段首句，本段应该主要描述“我”和哈里湿淋淋地回到家之后妈妈的反应和处理方式，以及“我”和哈里的反思等信息。

三、续写多样描写设计

第一段中，哈里转身跑走了，那么，此时描写的重点：

1. “我”的心理变化（惊恐、害怕、绝望、无助等）

e.g. Staring at his familiar figure out of sight， dismay and scare made my heart sink. 看着他那熟悉的身影远去，惊愕和恐惧使我的心沉了下去。

e.g. After what seemed to be centuries of fruitless waiting， I was on the edge of collapse. 在似乎几个世纪毫无结果的等待之后，我已经处于崩溃的边缘。

2. “我”的动作（看到哈里离开之后，“我”在惊恐中会怎么做）

e.g. I was anxious to climb out by myself， but countless previous failures froze me from struggling again. 我渴望自己爬出来，但之前无数次的失败使我无法再挣扎。

3. 哈里返回（哈里怎么来的）gzslib202204011948

e.g. Just at that moment， here dashed Harry and Nick with a long and big oak branch. 就在那一刻，哈里和尼克带着一根长长的大橡树树枝冲了过来。

4. 哈里是如何救我的？（这里是本段描写的重点，包括心理、动作、语言等）

e.g. Flopping on his stomach， he pushed the branch before him toward me. 他一下子扑倒在地上，把他面前的树枝推向我。

e.g. I grabbed it immediately and was eventually dragged out of the icy water by Harry. 我立刻抓住它，最终被哈里从冰冷的水中拖了出来。

e.g. What a narrow escape！ 真是一次九死一生的逃脱！

续写第二段中，妈妈看到“我们”如此狼狈地回到了家很吃惊。因此，本段主要写“我”回到家后妈妈是如何照顾“我”的，以及“我”对此次冒险的反思。

续写第二段应该主要描写妈妈如何给“我”换掉湿漉漉的衣服，让“我”暖和起来。动作的设计要紧凑，最好不要设计妈妈责备“我”的内容。我们可以设计以下动作：

rush over 冲过来

unbutton my coat 解开我外套的纽扣

strip my clothes 脱去我的衣服

give me a quick hot bath 让我很快洗了热水澡

quickly wrap a thick blanket over me 很快给我裹了一个厚厚的毯子

give me a cup of hot milk to warm me up 给了我一杯热牛奶让我暖暖身子

这一系列的动作描写充分表达了母亲对“我”的关心和爱护。这一连串的紧张的动作都集中于母爱这个主题，可以很好地展现文章的张力。

【范文欣赏】

Harry turned and ran away from the pond. Staring at his familiar figure out of sight， dismay and scare made my heart sink.  The icy water pierced my skin with a needle-like chill. I was anxious to climb out by myself， but countless previous failures froze me from struggling again. After what seemed to be centuries of fruitless waiting， I was on the edge of collapse. Just at that moment， here dashed Harry and Nick with a long and big oak branch. Flopping on his stomach， Nick pushed the branch before him toward me. The moment a big top branch was within reach， I grabbed it immediately and was eventually dragged out of the icy water by Nick and Harry. What a narrow escape！ Supported by Nick， I went home slowly， with water dripping all the way.

Mum was shocked to see us come back in such a mess. She rushed over from the kitchen， unbuttoned my coat， stripped （脫去） my clothes without delay. Then she gave me a quick hot bath and then quickly wrapped a thick blanket over me to stop my tooth-chattering chill. Meanwhile， she gave me a cup of hot milk to warm me up. I tearfully told her what had happened and Harry was lectured about getting his brother into such a trouble. Luckily， he called a grown-up—Nick who saved me. His head drooping， Harry murmured an apology to me. I quickly warmed up and came to life again. It was a life lesson for us.

【模拟导练】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

“Missy，” I called to my wife， “did you put the banana skin on my desk？” “No， honey. Meghan probably did.” As I'd feared， she had missed my real purpose of the question， which was to make it clear to her that she hadn't done her job： defend my desk against the invader—our naughty girl. I abandoned the conversation.gzslib202204011948

I sat here at the desk， and stared at the screen. I waited patiently for ideas to come to me—exam questions for a test I would give my English students. My wife was off to a reunion somewhere， but I was not alone. Meghan， our 22-month-old daughter， kept me company. Yet her plans that day seemed to go against mine.

She followed a daily routine that was both time-consuming and challenging. It included certain basic tasks： watching the fish， sweeping the carpet in her room and climbing up and down her bed.

At first I could concentrate on designing my test paper. But I was soon sidetracked（分心的）. I had not counted on the arrival of the “bib-bibs” （“Bib-bibs” were birds）. “Bib-bibs， bib-bibs！” Meghan screamed excitedly， her eyes alive with expectation. She insisted that I go with her to the window.

“In a second. Just let me finish this question，” I said. She pulled me by the hand （two fingers， actually） toward the window. I saw myself as a fool， being led to watch the bib-bibs. And we did watch them. They chattered and leaped back and forth on the lawn just outside our apartment window. Meghan was absorbed， but as I watched them， I still thought about my work.

Suddenly she rushed out of the room， and I heard her naked feet slapping against the wooden floor outside. She returned with her doll， Dumpty. She held him up to the window， stretching him out by his two arms and whispering into his nonexistent ear， “Bib-bibs， Dumpty， bib-bibs！” Then I left them in conversation and returned to my desk.

注意：

1. 所續写短文的词数应为150左右;

2. 续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好。

Paragraph 1：

Just a moment later， she came to me again.   _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph 2：

Out of the corner of my eye I could see the little girl sobbing. _____________________________________________________________________________________________

【评价导思】

1. 本文用到了哪些表现心理状态的好词、好句？

2. 本文在动作描写上有什么精彩之处？

3. 你有更精彩的描写吗？