You’ve got questions? she’s got answers

How do I make myself more attractive on dating apps？ Youve no idea how hard is it to meet people in real life; everyone is so busy.

Sad Seth

You complete moron！ Online dating is 白费工夫 （b1if-i g4ngfu， a waste of time）！ Heres how it should be done： On a big board， write down your 个人条件 （g-r9n ti1oji3n， personal conditions） such as 学历 （xu9l#， education level） and 收入 （sh4ur&， income）. Add some flattering but vague descriptions of yourself， like 人品好 （r9np@n h2o， good character） and 有上进心 （y6u sh3ngj#nx～n， enterprising）. Have your parents bring it down to the 相親角 （xi`ngq～nji2o， matchmaking corner） in the local park with the other retirees. Theyll find you a match thats 门当户对 （m9nd`ng h&du#， of equal status） in no time！ Forget about dating apps; its all 诈骗 （zh3pi3n， scams）， with young women pretending to be 名媛 （m！ngyu3n， socialites） by snapping photos in luxury restaurants. Or， you can get creative yourself， by posing in front of a Ferrari and using that as your profile picture…

Dear Ayi， what financial products do you recommend？ I heard you 大妈 （d3m`， middle-aged women） are experts in investments， 抄底 （ch`od@， bottom-fishing） in the gold market， and 炒房 （ch2of1ng， speculating on real estate）.

Jimmy wants to get rich

Forget about 巴菲特 （B`f8it-， Warren Buffett）， I have the secret of 一夜暴富 （y！ y- b3o f&， getting rich overnight）. Just lie down and close your eyes...right， in your 黄粱美梦 （hu1ngli1ng m0im-ng， “dream of millet，” dreams）！ You think its possible that 天上掉馅儿饼 （ti`nshang di3o xi3nrb@ng， a pie will fall from the sky）？ Because youve read some far-fetched stories， you can somehow 依样画葫芦 （y～ y3ng hu3 h%lu， “draw a gourd based on a real one，” blindly imitate）？ Wake up！ Youll just be chewed up like 韭菜 （ji^c3i， “chives，” amateur stock buyers）. Havent you heard？ 人心不足蛇吞象 （R9nx～n b& z% sh9 t$n xi3ng， Greed is like a snake trying to devour an elephant）. Itll only backfire on you！

Got questions for our Agony Ayi？ Send them to agonyayi@theworldofchinese.com