Hold Your Head Up Highby Vickie Leach

心田

I was fifteen months old， a happy carefree kid... until the day I fell. It was a bad fall. I landed on a glass rabbit， which cut my eye badly enough to blind it. Trying to save the eye， the doctors stitched the eyeball together where it was cut， leaving a big ugly scar in the middle of my eye. The attempt failed， but my mama， in all of her wisdom， found a doctor who knew that if the eye were removed entirely， my face would grow up badly distorted， so my scarred， sightless， cloudy and gray eye lived on with me. And as I grew， this sightless eye in so many ways controlled me.

I walked with my face looking at the floor so people would not see the ugly me. Sometimes people， even strangers， asked me embarrassing questions or made hurtful remarks. When the kids played games， I was always the “monster”. I grew up imagining that everyone looked at me with disdain， as if my appearance were my fault. I always felt like I was a freak.

Yet Mama would say to me， at every turn， “Hold your head up high and face the world.” It became a litany that I relied on.  I was told so when I was young. She would hold me in her arms and stroke my hair and say， “If you hold your head up high， it will be okay， and people will see your beautiful soul.” She continued this message whenever I wanted to hide.

Those words have meant different things to me over the years. As a little child， I thought Mama meant， “Be careful or you will fall down or bump into something because you are not looking.” As an adolescent， even though I tended to look down to hide my shame， I found that sometimes when I held my head up high and let people know me， they liked me. My mama's words helped me begin to realize that by letting people look at my face， I let them recognize the intelligence and beauty behind both eyes even if they couldn't see it on the surface.

In high school I was successful both academically and socially. I was even elected class president， but on the inside I still felt like a freak. All I really wanted was to look like everyone else. When things got really bad， I would cry to my mama and she would look at me with loving eyes and say， “Hold your head up high and face the world. Let them see the beauty that is inside.”

When I met the man who became my partner for life， we looked each other straight in the eye， and he told me I was beautiful inside and out. He meant it. My mama's love and encouragement was the spark that gave me the confidence to overcome my own doubt. I had faced adversity， encountered my problems head on， and learned not only to appreciate myself but

also to have deep compassion for others.

“Hold your head up high，” has been heard many times in my home. Each of my children has felt its invitation. The gift my mama gave me lives on in another generation.

15个月大的时候，我跌了一跤。在那之前，我是一个快乐的、无忧无虑的小宝宝。那一跤摔得很厉害，我跌在一个玻璃兔上面，它把我的眼睛划伤了，而且伤得非常严重，足以把我的眼睛弄瞎。为了尽量保住我的眼睛，医生们把我的眼球从被玻璃切开的地方缝合在一起，结果是在我的眼睛中间留下了一道奇丑无比的疤痕。那次尝试失败了。但我妈妈想尽一切办法，找到一位医生。那位医生知道，如果我的眼球被完全移走，我的脸就会随着我的成长而扭曲变形，因此，我的那只带有疤痕的、失明的、混浊的、灰白的眼睛就被保留了下来。当我长大以后，这只失明的眼睛在很多方面影响着我的生活。

我走路的时候，总是低着头看着地面，以便人们看不到丑陋的我。有时候，人们，甚至是一些陌生的人们，会问一些令我感到困窘的问题或者发表一些刺伤我的言论。在孩子们玩游戏的时候，我总是充当“恶人”的角色。在成长的过程中，我总是认为每一个人在看着我的时候，眼神里都充满着轻蔑，好像相貌不佳是我的过错似的。我总觉得自己是一个怪物。

但是，一有机会，妈妈就会对我说：“昂起你的头，面对这个世界。”它成为我赖以依靠的、持久的鼓勵。在我很小很小的时候，她就开始用那句话勉励我了。她会把我抱在怀里，抚摸着我的头发说：“如果昂起你的头，一切都会好的，人们将会看见你美丽的心灵。”每逢我想逃避的时候，她就会用这句话鼓励我。

在过去我成长的岁月里，那些话对我的意义是不尽相同的。当我是一个小孩子的时候，我认为妈妈的意思是：“小心一点，否则你就会摔倒或者撞到什么东西上，因为你没看。”当我是一个青少年的时候，即使我想低头向下看，以掩盖我的疤痕，我有时也会发现，当我昂起头，让人们认识我的时候，他们也会喜欢我。妈妈的话帮助我意识到，即使人们从表面上看不见隐藏在我的双眸后面的智慧和美丽，但是，通过让人们看着我的脸，我还是可以让他们赏识到这一点的。

在上中学的时候，我在学习和社交方面都获得了成功。我甚至被选为了班长，可在内心里，我仍然觉得自己像个怪物。我真正希望的是看起来和别人一样。当事情变得非常糟糕的时候，我会哭着去找妈妈，她会用一双充满怜爱的眼睛看着我说：“昂起你的头，面对这个世界。让他们看见你内在的美。”

当我遇到那个成为我的终身伴侣的男人时，我们彼此直视着对方的眼睛，他告诉我，我的内心和外表都是美丽的。他说的是真心话。妈妈的爱和鼓励让我有信心战胜自我的疑虑。现在，我已经面对了不幸，遭遇了迎面而来的困难，学会了不仅要欣赏自己，还要对别人怀以深切的同情。

“昂起你的头”，已经成为我们家里常说的一句话。我的每一个孩子都把它当作一种鼓励。妈妈给我的这份礼物在下一代人的生活中延续下去。

河北滦县  心  田  供稿