She’s Never Wrong

By Hou Changxi

Arguing is a routine occurrence in married life. Every two days a small squabble, every five days a big row and all over nothing important. When have you ever heard of couples quarreling over the gulf war, chemical weapons in Syria or political reforms at the UN? My cousin and his wife are such a couple. They’ve been married for twenty years and they’ve bickered for twenty of those years all because my cousin doesn’t watch his mouth.

One day, they were sitting around chatting with nothing else to do. My cousin-in-law asked her husband, “What do you like most about me?”

Normally, the answer would be something like “your beauty,” “your industriousness,” “your kindness,” or “you know how to live.” But, my cousin said, “What I love most is how you look from behind.”

“Why?” she asked.

“I’m sick of seeing your face.” He replied.

I’ll let you decide: is it possible for these two not to fight?

Just before the New Year my cousin-in-law went to get her hair permed. She arrived home and asked her husband, “Check out my perm, is it beautiful or what? It only cost 12 dollars.”

My cousin took one look and said, “It’s alright.”

“What does alright mean?” she asked.

He replied, “The price. It’s alright.”

That ruined it. They both started quarreling.

Another time my cousin-inlaw asked him, “Be honest, do you love another woman?”

He nodded, “Yes.”

“Who?”

“My mom.”

“Anyone else?”

“Yeah.”

“Who?”

“My auntie.”

“Anyone else?”

“Also, your mother. Is that okay?”

And they started arguing, again.

When it was evening time and they were deciding what to eat. My cousin-in-law was in the mood for fish, but her husband wanted noodles. They both stuck to their guns. They fought about it for ages and still couldn’t come to a decision. In the end they decided to flip a coin: heads and they’d go for fish, tails and they’d eat noodles.

My cousin-in-law tossed the coin in the air. It fell down, clingclang and rolled down the stairs.

With no alternative, the two of them could only go out to their local stir-fry restaurant.

After ordering their food, my cousin ordered a glass of baijiu and his wife dumped it out. He got upset, “Are you looking for trouble?”

Cousin-in-law unambiguously said, “Yeah. So what?”

My cousin put up three fingers, “Number one, we’ll fight this out.”

“You can’t beat me,” she replied.

“Number two, we’ll play rockpaper-scissors, best of three wins.”

Cousin-in-law said, “You’ll never beat me. What’s the third?”

My cousin said, “The third is the easiest: I apologize.”

Both of them were reconciled again.

(From If You’re Alive Then You Need to Be Happy, Tianjin Renmin Press. Translation: Sam Bowden)

表嫂有理

文/侯长喜

两口子过日子，吵架拌嘴是家常便饭。两天一小吵，五天一大吵，大都不为啥正事儿。您什么时候听说两口子因为讨论海湾战争、叙利亚化学武器、联合国政改吵起来的？我表哥表嫂两口子就是这样一对儿。他俩结婚二十多年，吵了二十多年，原因是表哥说话不着调。

有一天，两口子闲着没事儿，侃大山。我表嫂问她丈夫：“你最爱我什么？”

按理说，回答“好看”、“勤快”、“善良”、“会过日子”都行，我表哥的回答却是：“我最喜欢你的背影。”

表嫂问：“为什么？”

表哥说：“前脸儿看腻了。”

这句话一出口，两人就吵了起来。

快过年了，表嫂烫发了，回来问表哥：“你看我烫的发型漂亮吗？才八十块钱。”

表哥看了一眼：“还行。”

表嫂问：“什么还行？”

表哥说：“价钱还行。”

完了，两人又吵一架。

有一回，表嫂问表哥：“你说实话，心里有别的女人吗？”

表哥点点头：“有。”

“谁？”

“我妈。”

“还有没有？”

“有。”

“谁？”

“我大姨。”

“还有没有？”

“还有你妈。行了吧？”

两人又吵了起来。

晚上，讨论吃什么。表嫂要吃鱼，表哥要吃面条，各执己见。吵了半天，没有结果，最后扔硬币解决。字朝上吃鱼，花朝上吃面条。表嫂把硬币往上一扔，硬币丁零当啷滚到楼下去了。没办法，两人只能去外面下饭馆儿。

点好饭菜，表哥要了一杯白酒，表嫂把酒倒掉。表哥急了：“你要找倒霉。”

表嫂不含糊：“对，你怎么着？”

表哥伸出三个手指头：“第一，咱们PK决斗。”

表嫂说：“你打不过我。”

“第二，咱俩剪刀石头布，三局两胜。”

表嫂说：“你划不过我的。第三呢？”

表哥说：“第三最简单，我认错。”

两人又和好了。