Being Pampered Is Not a Blessing

2019-01-05 06:23ByZhangManjuan
Special Focus 2018年12期
关键词:爱里长江文艺出版社微笑

By Zhang Manjuan

The biggest crisis of being in favor is suddenly falling into disfavor.

During a chat with friends, a married man somehow complained about his wife, “God, I really don't understand women.”

Another guy, with a calm smile on his face, said, “Women are not for understanding, but for adoring.”

Hearing those words, all the ladies around looked at him with admiration, making him the most charming man of the night.

This scene reminded me of my time in college when my friends and I were looking for our Mr. Right.We always said with a dreamy smile, “I hope to meet a guy who will treat me like a princess.”

Why do women need to be pampered?

For thousands of years, women have been lacking self-confidence,economic independence, and mental freedom in their lives. Their glory and disgrace, their gain and loss, all depend on men. Therefore,being pampered means winning wealth, status, reputation, and power.

“Worry about going out of favor when in favor, and become disconsolate when falling into disfavor.” That is a line from a poem of the Tang Dynasty (618-907), which describes the lingering nightmare of women in ancient times. This long history, to this day,is still like bondage. Even after the women's liberation movement,they still desire to be pampered by men so as to prove their charm and satisfy their endless vanity.

Why do men pamper women?It is analogous to the fact that we like to keep pets if we have leisure time and it isn't too costly. Also, it is out of vanity. Pampering others and being pampered are based on similar psychology.

Pampering women or keeping pets are actually one-way relationships between a superior and subordinate. I do not really envy those pampered women. What I want is understanding in an equal,two-way relationship.

A friend told me that some women just want to be pampered,but they fail to be understood.I certainly know that for some people, even a short-lived experience of being pampered, like fireworks, makes them feel happy.However, being pampered is too passive after all. It is completely subject to others and dependent on others.

For me, I still would rather choose to be understood. I desire to be understood, and I also want to understand the other person in the relationship. I would not be presumptuous in my love,nor be spoiled. If I am helped by my loved one, I want it to be out of understanding rather than indulgence. If I am not supported by my loved one, I would like to hear rational advice that could make up for my shortcomings.Thus, I would feel at ease in such an equal relationship based on mutual respect. (From Selected Essays by Zhang Manjuan, Changjiang Literature and Art Press.Translation: Chen Jiani)

受宠不是幸福的事

文/张曼娟

受宠的最大危机是,突然失宠。

和朋友们聊天,有个已婚男人带着抱怨意味说起妻子:“天啊,真搞不懂女人。”另一个男人气定神闲地微笑说:“女人是用来宠的,不是用来懂的。”

此言一出,马上汇聚周遭女性赞赏的眼光,他成为当晚最佳风度男性代表。

我忽然想起大学时代,和女同学憧憬着另一半,总是带着梦幻的微笑说:“我希望能遇到一个男人,很宠我。”女人为什么需要宠爱?几千年来,女性生活史中欠缺自信,没有经济能力与心灵空间,所有的荣辱得失,都在男人的寸心之间,所以,受宠就表示掌握了财富、地位、名声、权力。所谓的“得宠忧移失宠愁”,也是古代女人挥之不去的梦魇。这段漫长的历史轨迹,及至今日,仍像一种束缚,女人完成独立自主革命后,依然渴望受宠,以证明自身魅力,满足无底无尽的虚荣心。

男人为什么宠爱女人?这与我们在有闲暇而不致花费太多的情况下会豢养宠物,是类似的道理,同时,这也是一种虚荣感的完成。宠人与受宠,都是建立在相似的心理背景下。

宠爱或豢养,其实都是一种上对下的、单向的关系。我并不羡慕受宠爱的女人,我想要的是了解,是一种对等的、双向的关系。朋友说,有些女人只想求得一次受宠,尚且不可得,更别说被了解这样的事。我当然明白,也知道对某些人来说,能得到宠爱,即使是短暂的,像烟火,也算是燃烧过了,也就有了幸福。受宠毕竟太被动,完全受制于人,取决于人。

我还是愿意选择了解,我渴望被懂,也懂得另一个人。不在爱里放肆,不恃宠而骄。如果获得那人的成全,是因为被了解,而不是被纵容;如果那人不支持,我也希望听见理性的建议,可以弥补我的不足,于是心安理得。这才是尊重、平等的两性关系。

(摘自《张曼娟散文精选》长江文艺出版社)

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