机器人狂想曲

什么是“脑洞大开”？

看完本文，你就知道什么才是真正的“脑洞大开”！首先，主人公是一个人，然后他假设自己是一个机器人，住在英格兰海岸边的一个农舍里，梦想着成为一只猫咪，一只不被主人赏识的猫咪。很奇特吧？这样奇葩的脑回路，加上令人忍俊不禁的细节描写，让这曲机器人狂想曲显得欢快激昂。

If I were a robot， I would probably not kill all humans. Emphasis[强调] on the “probably” part， because Im not making any absolute guarantees[保证] about my behavior[行为] as a robot. I wouldnt want to limit myself in that way. I dont necessarily know what Id be like as a robot. And while I dont want to kill all humans now， who knows how Ill feel once Im in robotic[机器人的] form？

Like， say Im a robot and I go to see that movie The Artist， and then someones like， “Hey， robot Oliver， did you like that movie The Artist？”

And Id say， “Like？ Such a comment[评论] does not input[输入] with me. It was a succession[一连串] of filmed images projected[投射] at 28 frames[帧] per second. I chose to watch it in infrared[红外线] because I never get to use my infrared goggles[护目镜].”

“Yeah， but did you like it？” whoever will say.

“Like？” Id say， and Jesus， do you see how annoying[令人恼火的] this conversation is getting already？ Id kill the person to make it stop and then Id have to go kill all the other humans to avoid[避免] getting in trouble for killing the original[最初的] human. Anyway， where was I？

After killing the humans， I think Id build a cottage[小农舍] with a thatched[茅草盖的] roof， on the coast of England somewhere， by the cliffs of Dover. Ive always wanted to live in a cottage， and as a robot， Id have time to build one. Because the thing about being a robot is that you dont get old and you dont die， so you have time to do stuff…And then， once the cottage was done， Id read all the great books， I guess， while not really“liking” them or understanding them…

God， being a robot sounds awful， actually， when you think about it. Never getting old？ Never dying？ The thought sounds appealing[吸引人的] for one， two seconds. But then， what meaning does life have if one can never taste death and other such existential[存在的] questions？ Not being able to die would be like never being able to go to sleep…Have you ever thought about that， never being able to go to sleep？ This is actually a parable[寓言] that youre not totally getting； but dont worry about that， not right now. Anyway—not being able to sleep. Itd be awful. Things would go on and on. Robots never sleep.

Instead of being a robot who cant sleep like that， Id rather be a cat. A little kitty. Oh， Id be a good cat； the best cat youve ever seen. Id be a tortoise-shell[龜甲]. I wouldnt be an indoor cat， but I wouldnt be an outdoor cat either， not exactly. Id be inbetween， just a cat， but my owners would have a cat-house on the porch with an electric blanket[电热毯] for when it got cold， so that I could be not-inside， but also nearby at all times. And there， I would dream my dreamy cat dreams. First， you flex[收缩] your cat paws， then you pounce[猛扑] and catch the mouse， but youre just dreaming the whole time， well， arent you？

For breakfast， I would eat breakfast， and then I would hunt. Id catch baby bunnies[小兔子] in the yard； theyre very prevalent[普遍的] in the Spring； more baby bunnies than you could ever imagine. I would catch one and then leave it on my masters porch—you have this expectant[期待的] look when you leave them a bunny or a mouse， but then， youre always disappointed. With your tender[温柔的] eyes， youre like—Look！ Look please at what I have done！ But then the children just turn away， appalled[惊骇的]， and then its all very disappointing.

And after that， Id sleep again， and flex， but Im not a cat， am I？

Im not a cat. Im a robot. I was a robot the whole time. It was a dream that I had； I lied when I said that robots couldnt sleep.

I was a robot the whole time， living on the coast of England， dreaming that I was a cat. Its just a dream； sad. A single cybernetic[控制论的] tear trickles[滴] down my aluminum-alloy[铝合金] cheek.

如果我是个机器人的话，我可能不会杀光全人类。重点在“可能”这个部分，因为作为一个机器人，我可没法对自己的行为做绝对的保证。我也不想那样限制自己的自由。我不太需要知道自己作为一个机器人会是什么样子。而且尽管我现在还不想杀死全人类，谁知道一旦我进入机器人模式后，我的感觉会是怎样的呢？

比如说，我是个机器人，去看那部名为《艺术家》的电影，接着某人说道：“嗨，机器人奥利弗，你喜欢那部叫《艺术家》的电影吗？”

而我会说：“喜欢？我可没被输入过这样的评论。它就是一连串拍摄好的影像被以每秒二十八帧的速度投射出来。我之所以选择以红外线模式观看它，只是因为我从来没用过我的红外线护目镜而已。”

“是啊，但你喜欢它吗？”其他随便什么人会说。

“喜欢？”我会说，天啊，你没发现这样的对话已经变得多么让人厌烦了吗？我会杀掉那个家伙来停止这段对话，但接着我将不得不杀掉其他所有人类，以便摆脱最初杀掉那个人所带来的麻烦。哦，我说到哪里了？

在杀掉这些人类之后，我想我会在英格兰海岸边的某个地方建一个茅草屋顶的小农舍，就在多佛悬崖附近。我以前一直想要住在一间小农舍里，而作为一个机器人，我有时间来建一个。因为作为一个机器人的好处就是，你不会老，也不会死，所以你有时间来干活……接着，等农舍建好后，我猜我将会阅读所有的伟大书籍，虽然并不能真的“喜欢”或理解它们……

天啊，成为一个机器人听起来糟透了，真的，当你好好想想的时候。永远也不会老？永远也不会死？这个想法听起来很有吸引力——在那么一两秒的时间里。但再想想，如果一个人永远品尝不到死亡以及其他这种关于存在的问题时，生命还有什么意义呢？永远不会死将会像永远不能睡觉一样……你有没有想过这个问题呢，永远不能睡觉？这就像是一个你不能完全理解的寓言一样；但是不要担心那个问题了，至少现在还不用。无论如何——不能睡觉，那会很糟糕的。万物周而复始。机器人永远不能睡觉。

我宁愿变成一只猫，而不是一个像那样不能睡觉的机器人。一只小猫咪。噢，我会变成一只乖猫的；你所见过的最好的猫。我会缩在一个龟壳里。我不会是一只室内宅猫，但我也不会是一只户外野猫，不完全是。我会在两者之间，就是只猫，但天冷的时候，我的主人们要在門廊上放置一个带有电热毯的猫窝，这样我可以不用宅在屋里，却又总是在附近溜达。在猫窝里，我可以做着我的梦幻猫咪美梦。首先，你要收起你的猫爪子，接着猛扑过去抓住老鼠，但你只不过是一直在做着美梦呢，嗯，对吧？

对于早餐，我会吃早餐的，接着我会去狩猎。我会在院子里逮兔宝宝；它们在春天里到处都是；兔宝宝比你能想象的要多得多了。我会逮住一个，然后把它留在我主人家的门廊上——当你给他们留下一只兔子或老鼠时，你会有这种期待的样子，但接下来，你总是会失望。带着那温柔的眼神，你会像是——看啊！请看看我干了些什么！但随后，孩子们只会转过身去，惊慌失措，接下来一切都会让人非常失望了。

在那之后，我会再去睡觉，蜷缩起来，但我并不是只猫，对吧？

我不是只猫。我是个机器人。我一直都是个机器人。那不过是我所做的一个梦；当我说机器人不能睡觉时，我撒谎了。

我一直都是个机器人，住在英格兰的海岸边，梦想自己是只猫。那只不过是个梦，一个悲伤的梦。一滴机器人的眼泪滑下我的铝合金面颊。