你真的会道歉吗？

By+Berna+Anat++周佳

谁都不可避免地会有做错事而需要向别人道歉的时候。然而，道歉不仅仅是一句简单的“对不起”就可以完成的，它其实是一门学问与艺术。读罢此文，试着扪心自问：我真的会道歉吗？

A good apology can help you skip over the messiest drama， bringing your relationship back to a happy place faster. "An effective apology doesn't just heal the wound for the other person，" says Guy Winch， psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid. "It'll remove your guilt too." On the flip side1）， a bad apology can ruin a friendship even faster than total silence， meaning： You've got to seize your chance to say "sorry" and get it right.

So how do you make a sincere apology without messing it up？ Experts have actually studied what makes an "I'm sorry" statement fly2） or flop3）. Read the following part to test your sorry skills—then learn how to construct4） your own perfect apology to patch things up5）.

诚挚的道歉能帮你避开最棘手的闹剧，使你们的关系更快地恢复到和谐的状态。“一个有效的道歉不仅可以治愈对方的伤口，”《情感急救》一书的作者、心理学家盖伊·温奇说，“它还能消除你的内疚感。”反之，不当的道歉比完全保持沉默还能更快地毁掉一段友情，这也就意味着：你必须抓住道歉的机会，并且要正确道歉。

那你怎样才能做出诚挚的道歉而不把事情搞砸呢？实际上，专家们已经研究过什么因素会使一句“对不起”奏效或是搞砸。阅读下面的部分来测一测你会不会道歉，然后学习一下如何构思你自己的完美道歉，从而使你们和好如初。

Test Your Sorry Talent 测一测你会不会道歉

The Apology： You're crazy late for band practice， so you rush up to your conductor6）： "Sorry！ I was planning to be here early， but it's raining， so the train wasn't on time." You want to back up your lateness with facts—he needs to know it's not your fault！

Does it fly or flop？

Flop！ Yup， it's a total fail. "This is about you， when it should be about the person you hurt，" Winch says.

Fix it！ Don't make excuses！ Say what you should have done differently and how your mistake affected the other person： "I know my lateness kept you waiting and probably frustrated you too. Next time， I'll leave earlier."

道歉场景：你参加乐队排练迟到了，而且晚得离谱，于是你冲到你们指挥面前说：“对不起！我本来打算早点到这儿的，但却下雨了，所以火车就没能准点到站。”你想用事实来证明自己为什么迟到——他需要知道这不是你的错！

这样的道歉管不管用？

不管用！没错，这样的道歉完全不行。“它是围绕着你自己展开的，而在这种情形下，道歉应围绕着被你伤害的那一方展开。”温奇说。

如何补救？不要找借口！说出你原本应该如何以另一种方式来做这件事，以及你的错误如何影响到了对方：“我知道因为我迟到让您久等了，可能还令您十分懊恼。下次我会再早一点出门的。”

The Apology： You're with your crew when you start playing a joke on one of them. Everyone thinks you're hilarious7）—except that friend. Later， you pull him aside and say， "Hey， I'm sorry， but it's no big deal. And c'mon， everyone laughed at the joke—not at you！"

Does it fly or flop？

Flop！ Winch says this apology is only half-baked： "There's a violation of loyalty that you didn't address."

Fix it！ Your friend has to hear that you acknowledge his pain and respect his feelings： "I can imagine that you felt betrayed. I don't want to make you feel that way， and I promise I won't do it again. Will you please forgive me？"

道歉场景：你和一帮朋友在一起，这时你开起了其中一个朋友的玩笑。每个人都觉得你很搞笑，除了被你开玩笑的那个朋友。过了一会儿，你把他拉到一边说：“嘿，对不起啊，不过这也没什么大不了的吧。别生气了，大家笑的是这个玩笑，不是笑你啦！”

这样的道歉管不管用？

不管用！温奇说这样的道歉是半生不熟的：“你这么做违背了朋友之间的忠诚，而你却没有设法解决这个问题。”

如何补救？你的朋友必须听到你亲口承认他的痛苦以及你是尊重他的感受的。“我能想象你有一种被出卖了的感觉。我不想让你有那种感觉，我保证我下次不会再这么做了。请原谅我好吗？”

The Apology： You lost track of time on Friday night. When your dad catches you sneaking in， you say： "I'm sorry that I missed my curfew8）. I know I'm wrong， and I understand if I can't go out again until I've regained your trust."

Does it fly or flop？

Fly！ This apology works because you point out exactly where you had a small mistake. "It's important to acknowledge that you're apologizing because you knew a rule but broke it anyway，" explains Winch. （Without that， you're really only apologizing for getting caught， which sounds shady9）！） You're also expressing that you've learned from your mistakes—an admission10） your dad can take as proof that you're mature enough to be trusted again.

道歉场景：周五晚上你玩得忘了时间。当你偷偷溜进门却被爸爸逮了个正着时，你说：“对不起，我没按规定时间回家。我知道自己错了，而且如果我在重新获得您的信任之前都不能再出去玩，我也可以理解。”

这样的道歉管不管用？

管用！这样的道歉是有效的，因为你准确地指出了你在哪里犯了一个小错。“你道歉是因为自己明明知道有一条规定但还是违反了这条规定，承认这一点很重要。”温奇解释说。（如果不这样做的话，那你实际上只是因为被抓了个正着而道歉，这听起来就有点不诚恳！）你同时还表达了你已经从自己的错误中得到了教训——你爸爸可以把你的承认当做是一种证明，它证明你已经足够成熟，值得他再次信任。

假如你犯错了……

A sincere "Sorry！" is a tricky deal—but these tips will get it done right.

Do

1. Apologize as soon as possible in person. Texts can come off as harsh11） and sarcastic12）. For an apology to sound sincere， you need to talk face-to-face.

2. Watch your body language. Make eye contact， put your phone down and keep your arms uncrossed. These signals will show you take the apology seriously.

3. Have a post-apology check-in. At the end of your conversation， ask if there's anything else you can say or do. It shows how much you want to rebuild trust.

Don't

1. Don't be defensive. When you say， "Sorry， but [insert excuse here]，" you're not taking responsibility， says Jennifer Thomas， co-author of When Sorry Isn't Enough.

2. Don't forget to actually ask： "Will you please forgive me？" You may think it's implied， but no apology is complete without these magic words.

3. Don't apologize just to make peace. If you truly don't feel you have any fault， don't apologize. Apologies lose their power if they aren't genuinely given！

真诚的道歉是一件需要谨慎对待的事情，不过以下这些小窍门将帮你把这件事搞定。

请这样做

1. 尽快当面道歉。文字会显得无情而讽刺。如果想让道歉听起来真诚，你需要面对面地去沟通。

2. 注意你的肢体语言。进行眼神交流，放下你的电话，不要双臂交叉。这些信号将表明你对这次道歉是认真的。

3. 道歉后不忘再次过问。在你们的对话结束时，问一下对方还有没有什么是你能说或是能做的。这表明你是多么想要重建信任。

请不要这样做

1. 不要摆出一副防御姿态。当你说“对不起，不过[此处插入借口]”时，你是在逃避责任，《当道歉还不够》一书的作者之一珍妮弗·托马斯说。

2. 不要忘记实实在在地问一句：“请原谅我好吗？”你也许觉得这句话不言而喻，但如果不说出这几个神奇的字，任何一个道歉都是不完整的。

3. 不要只是为了和解而道歉。如果你真心不觉得自己有任何错误，那就不要道歉。道歉如果不是真心实意而为，就失去了力量！