Different Connotations of ‘Sorry'

By Li Gang



Different Connotations of ‘Sorry'

By Li Gang

About the author：

Li Gang is a professor at the Beijing University of Posts and

Telecommunications.

Observant foreigners who have spent time in China may notice that， unlike themselves， Chinese people rarely say “sorry” in their everyday lives. Many mistake this for a Chinese fear of admitting personal mistakes， resulting in an unwillingness to apologize. But such a conclusion is misguided. In truth， Chinese reluctance to say sorry is due to an adherence to the practice of shen shi， a traditional Chinese way of examining something deeply and considering the likelihood of causing inconvenience to others. If a Chinese person is to say sorry， it is only because they have caused great offence. In China，unlike in the West， “sorry” is not something one says casually. It comes from the heart.

The concept of shen shi is one that influences Chinese people to be constantly wary of their actions and avoid doing anything “regretful” to themselves or others. Only by maintaining constant vigilance with regards to one's actions can an action requiring an apology be avoided. The idea is to prevent a mistake from happening before it is too late.

Lu Kun， a renowned Ming Dynasty （1368-1644）philosopher， explained that “One should do things carefully； otherwise， he regrets afterwards. If he already regrets， he should make corrections in time. It is no good regretting only.”

In other words， though a wise person may carry the burden of some regret， the risk of carrying such regret is smaller because of prudence when handling important matters. “Look before you leap” would be the most comparable English phrase.

Lu's words go on to explain that regret alone is useless， and mistakes must be learned from.

This sentiment is indicative of Chinese culture in regards to everyday conduct. From a young age，Chinese are taught to think twice before acting or speaking. Saying or doing the wrong thing can lead to a person being held responsible for a very long time. Thus， Chinese approach even the simplest conversation with caution， with the intention of avoiding mistakes rather than depending on apologizing for them later.

Such caution dates back thousands of years in China. Zhuge Liang， a military strategist and chancellor of the Shu Han during the Three Kingdoms Period （220-280）， is renowned in Chinese historical studies as a cautious yet effective military leader.

Zhuge Liang's cautious approach served him well in battle. During an attack on the Kingdom of Wei as part of his Northern Expeditions （228-234）， Zhuge Liang found himself facing off against Sima Yi， a Wei politician. From the protection of a city wall， Sima Yi examined Zhuge Liang's troop formations but was unable to identify any tactical advantage. Zhuge Liang， too， was unable to pinpoint any strategic weaknesses in his opponent and opted to wait instead of risking a battle that would have resulted in widespread bloodshed. Such an approach showed his embrace for shen shi — causing massive casualties would have rendered a “sorry” entirely meaningless.

Not to say to err is not human. A Confucian teaching states that one should do his utmost to not make the same mistake again.

“No good is greater for a person who is aware of his error and able to correct it，” the teaching goes.

Today， this teaching carries even more relevance. In an era of ever-increasing connectivity， everyday interaction carries even more risk of making mistakes. However， people shouldn't be afraid to make an error， and being able to learn from one's mistake is a sign of strength in character.

As China has become more integrated with the rest of the world， use of the word “sorry” has become more common. Some young people have made a habit of saying sorry， even in situations of little importance. But such usage is not traditional in a Chinese sense — approach every action with caution，but if that doesn't work， apologize from the heart and learn from your mistake.