You’ve got questions, she’s got answers (but you probably won’t like them)

I just graduated from university and am looking for a job， but its so hard！ Any suggestions？

Amy Fang

What nonsense！ Back in the good old days， no one needed to apply for anything. You were 分配 （f8np-i， assigned） to whatever post the country saw fit. I was a 光荣的 （gu`ngr5ng de， glorious） factory worker！ Certainly beats answering stupid emails. But， since you asked， have you tried to Photoshop the picture on the resume？ How else are you going to be noticed if you dont show a 漂亮脸蛋儿（pi3oliang li2nd3nr， pretty face）？ Also， include every single award youve gotten since kindergarten， even if its just your primary schools ping pong contest， 多多益善 （du4du4 y#sh3n， the more the better）！ Many positions are reserved for male applicants because men are sexist pigs， so dont your waste time on those. Good luck not ending up a 啃老族 （k0nl2oz%， boomerang kid）.

I just made a huge mistake at work. Should I tell my boss？ I dont want to get fired！

Jobless Jason

Well， if youre a doctor， your patients relatives will get to your before your boss does. 你疯了吗？（N@ f8ng le ma？ Are you mad？） Never blame yourself when you can easily pin it on someone else： the intern， a low-level associate， your coworker， whoever. Do it like a 成功人士 （ch9ngg4ng r9nsh#， successful person）. Be aggressive， 指鹿为马 （zh@ l& w9i m2， call a stag a horse， distort facts）. If you act with 自信 （z#x#n， confidence）， it doesnt matter if you are 错得离谱 （cu7de l！p^， very wrong）， the world is full of 盲目的 （m1ngm& de， ignorant） people.

I just made a huge mistake at work. Should I tell my boss？ I dont want to get fired！

Jobless Jason

Well， if youre a doctor， your patients relatives will get to your before your boss does. 你瘋了吗？（N@ f8ng le ma？ Are you mad？） Never blame yourself when you can easily pin it on someone else： the intern， a low-level associate， your coworker， whoever. Do it like a 成功人士 （ch9ngg4ng r9nsh#， successful person）. Be aggressive， 指鹿为马 （zh@ l& w9i m2， call a stag a horse， distort facts）. If you act with 自信 （z#x#n， confidence）， it doesnt matter if you are 错得离谱 （cu7de l！p^， very wrong）， the world is full of 盲目的 （m1ngm& de， ignorant） people.