说“不”，没那么简单

文/Elizabeth+Bernstein+译/阿诺

Lesley Ronson Brown knew the woman on the phone asking her to serve on the board of a nonprofit was making a good point， detailing how the group would benefit from her leadership skills. Ms. Brown politely explained that she was busy with other volunteer activities and wanted to spend more time with her family.

The woman kept pleading. So Ms. Brown did the only thing she could think to do： She climbed up on the chair in her office—to feel bigger and more powerful， she says—and “practically growled1）” her answer. “I was trying to say ‘no in a lower-octave2）， tall brunette3） voice，” says Ms. Brown， who is petite （and was blonde at the time）.

One tiny word can be very hard to say.

When asked to help or to do a favor， whether it is to donate money to charity， fill out a questionnaire or let a stranger use a cellphone， research has shown many people will say “yes” simply because saying “no” would make them even more uncomfortable. This is especially true when people have to give their answer face to face rather than by email.

And even when people do say “no，” they become more likely to say “yes” to subsequent4） requests. “They feel so guilty about saying ‘no. They feel they need to salvage5） the relationship，” says Vanessa Bohns， assistant professor of management sciences at the University of Waterloo in Ontario， Canada.

People will even agree to unethical requests rather than risk the discomfort of saying “no.” In one of four studies earlier this year in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin， Dr. Bohns and her team had 25 college students ask 108 strangers to vandalize6） a library book by writing the word “pickle” in ink on one of the pages. While many of the strangers protested， or asked the students to take responsibility for any repercussions7）， half of the strangers agreed to deface8） the book—much more than the average of 29% that the students predicted.

“One of our most fundamental needs is for social connection and a feeling that we belong，” Dr. Bohns says. “Saying ‘no feels threatening to our relationships and that feeling of connectedness.” And we worry that saying “no” will change the way the other person views us， and make him or her feel badly.

Sadly， it often does hurt feelings. “No” is a rejection. Neuroscience has shown our brains have a greater reaction to the negative than to the positive. Negative information produces a bigger and swifter surge of electrical activity in the cerebral cortex9） than does positive information. Negative memories are stronger than positive ones. All of this is to protect us： A strong memory of something hurtful helps us remember to avoid it in the future.

Even so， psychologists say， most people probably wont take our “no” as badly as we think they will. Thats because of something called a “harshness bias”—our tendency to believe others will judge us more severely than they actually do. “Chances are the consequences of saying ‘no are much worse in our heads than they would ever be in reality，” Dr. Bohns says.

Of course， not everyone has trouble saying “no.” Some folks seem to do it reflexively10）. Psychologists believe certain individuals have a harder time than others.

“Pleasers” hate to let others down； “doormats” are conflict-averse. And while Dr. Bohns says she hasnt found gender differences in her research， some experts believe women may have a harder time than men， since they often are the ones conditioned to maintain relationships and worry about other peoples needs.

All these people especially learn to appreciate the importance of saying “no.” “I can only protect my agenda， my priorities， the job I need to get done if I have the ability to say ‘no sometimes，” says Judith Sills， a psychologist in Philadelphia. “Otherwise， I am fulfilling everyone elses agenda.”

Another important reason to say “no，” Dr. Sills says： It keeps us from caving in11） to peer pressure. （Refuse to write “pickle” in a library book！） “To have your own values， sometimes you have to say ‘no to people with whom you dont agree，” Dr. Sills says.

But what is the best way to decline a request， so that the other person gets the message and it sticks？

Plan ahead. If you know a request is coming， think in advance about your response. Use a gentle tone of voice to say “no.” Blaming external circumstances may help alleviate your guilt and embarrassment at not being able to comply.

If a request takes you by surprise， dont allow yourself to assent12） on the spot. Keep a version of “Ill get back to you” in your back pocket. You need to step back before committing， says the University of Waterloos Dr. Bohns. You want to think rationally， distance yourself from feelings of guilt， and come up with a polite answer.

If a person refuses to take “no” for an answer， dont give up. Repeat your polite refusal as often as necessary.

Ms. Brown， of the swivel chair13）， has become so proficient14） at saying “no” that her friends now call her “the Queen of Setting Healthy Boundaries.” She credits her experiences dealing with diabetes and breast cancer with helping her learn to take care of herself first. “I feel I should reward myself by spending time doing things I really enjoy versus things I feel I should do，” says Ms. Brown， a 62-year-old yoga and Pilates15） instructor from Wheaton， Ill. “Im also OK if something just doesnt get done.”

Now， when someone asks her to do something， she asks herself one question： “Will this bring me joy？” If the answer is no， then that is her answer. “I am aware that I have only so much energy and time， so I treat them like money and invest them wisely，” Ms. Brown says.

She has developed her own technique for declining a request that someone just keeps lobbying16）： She repeats her refusal—“I am sorry， I am not able to do that”—in exactly the same words for as long as it takes. “Eventually they will get bored and defeated and stop asking，” she says.

“And for goodness sake， dont add something like， ‘Well， maybe next year， to soften the blow，” Ms. Brown warns. “The person on the other end of the phone has just thought， ‘Gotcha. For next year.”

莱斯莉·龙森·布朗听着电话那头的女士邀请她出任一家非营利机构的董事，并详细阐述该机构将如何受益于她的领导才能，她知道对方说得很有道理。布朗女士礼貌地解释说，她还要忙于其他一些志愿活动，并想多花些时间陪伴自己的家人。

那位女士仍在不停恳求。于是，布朗女士做了她唯一能想到的事。她爬上办公室的椅子——她说这样会感觉自己更加高大有力——“几乎是咆哮着”说出了自己的回答。“我努力用低八度的声音说‘不，让自己听起来像是个身材高大的棕发女性。”布朗女士说。她其实身材娇小（而且当时是金发）。

一个简单的字眼却可能让人难以开口。

研究表明，当遇到别人求助或请求帮忙时，无论是为慈善机构捐款，填写调查问卷，还是将手机借给陌生人，许多人都会答应，仅仅因为说“不”会让他们更加不舒服。特别是当人们不得不当面作答，而不能通过电邮回复时，情况更是如此。

即使人们真的说了“不”，他们也会变得更倾向于接受随后的请求。“人们对说‘不感到非常内疚，感到有必要挽回和对方的关系。”加拿大安大略省滑铁卢大学的管理科学助理教授瓦妮莎·博恩斯表示。

人们甚至宁愿答应一些不道德的请求，也不愿承担因为说“不”而感到不安的风险。今年早些时候，《人格与社会心理学公报》发布了四项研究，在其中一项研究中，博恩斯博士和她的团队找来25名大学生，让他们请108位陌生人破坏图书馆的图书，在某一页用墨水写下“泡菜”一词。虽然这些人中有许多表示反对，或要求学生们承担所有后果，但还是有一半的人同意在书上乱涂——这一比例远高于学生们此前预测的29%的平均值。

“我们最基本的需求之一就是社会联系和归属感，”博恩斯博士说，“我们感觉说‘不会危及我们的人际关系和那种相互关联的感觉。”我们也担心说“不”会改变别人对我们的看法，并让对方感到不快。

遗憾的是，说“不”确实常常让人感觉受伤。“不”表示拒绝。神经系统科学的研究表明，我们的大脑对负面事物的反应要比对正面事物的反应更强烈。相较于正面信息，负面信息会在大脑皮层引发更剧烈、更快速的脑电活动。不愉快的记忆要比愉快的记忆更为清晰持久。所有这些都是为了自我保护：对伤害性事件的清晰记忆有助于让我们记着在日后对其进行规避。

即便如此，心理学家称，大多数人或许并不会像我们以为的那样把拒绝看得那么严重。这是由于一种叫做“严厉度偏见”的现象——我们倾向于认为别人对我们的评判比实际情况更严厉。“很可能是我们自己把说‘不的后果想得比实际情况要严重得多。”博恩斯博士说。

当然，并不是所有人都觉得“不”字难以开口。有些人似乎就能脱口而出。心理学家相信，某些人比其他人更难对人说“不”。

“好好先生”不喜欢让别人失望，“受气包”不愿与人发生冲突。虽然博恩斯博士说她在研究中没有发现因性别造成的差异，但有些专家认为女性可能比男性更难拒绝别人，因为女性往往习惯于维持良好的人际关系，也会顾及他人的需要。

这些人尤其能学会领悟说“不”的重要性。“只有能适时说‘不，我才能维护自己的日程安排，做那些应该优先做的事和需要完成的工作，”费城的心理学家朱迪丝·西尔斯说，“否则，我只是在按照别人的日程安排做事。”

西尔斯博士表示，说“不”还有一个重要的理由：它可以避免人们屈服于同伴压力。（拒绝在图书馆的图书上写“泡菜”两个字！）“为了坚持自己的原则，有时你必须要对自己不赞同的人说‘不。”西尔斯博士说。

但怎样才是拒绝别人请求的最佳方式，让对方明白你的意思，不再继续强求呢？

提前计划。如果你知道别人将会向你提出请求，事先想好应该如何回答。说“不”时语调要温和。归咎于客观原因也许有助于减轻无法应允别人时的内疚和尴尬。

如果请求来得让你措手不及，不要让自己当场同意。备一些“我会再联系你”之类的话。滑铁卢大学的博恩斯博士说，在承诺之前你需要先退一步思考一下。你要理性思考，从内疚感中脱离出来，想出一个礼貌的回答。

如果对方不肯接受被拒绝的结果，你也不要让步。必要的话，可以经常重复你礼貌的回绝。

曾经为拒绝别人而站到转椅上的那位布朗女士已经变得非常善于说“不”，以至于朋友们现在都叫她“划定合理界限女王”。她将这归功于自己对抗糖尿病和乳腺癌的经历，那些经历帮助她学会把照顾自己放在第一位。“我觉得应该花时间去做自己真正喜欢的事来犒劳自己，而不是做那些我感觉应该做的事。”布朗女士说。现年62岁的她是伊利诺伊州惠顿市的一名瑜伽和普拉提教练。“如果有些事没能做到，我也觉得没关系。”

现在，当别人请她做什么事时，她会问自己一个问题：“这能让我快乐吗？”如果答案是否定的，她就会拒绝对方。“我知道我只有那么多的精力和时间，所以我会把它们视为金钱一样，明智地投资。”布朗女士说。

对那些不停劝说让她接受某个请求的人，她已经摸索出自己的一套拒绝策略：她会重复说拒绝的话——“抱歉，我做不了”—— 一字不差地重复，需要说多久就说多久。“最后他们就听烦了，就会知难而退，不再要求。”她说。

“千万不要为了缓和语气而加上‘嗯，明年也许可以这样的话，”布朗女士提醒说，“电话那头的人就会想：‘这下逮着你了，来年再见。”

1. growl [ɡra?l] vt. 低吼；咆哮

2. octave [??kt?v] n. [音]八度音

3. brunette [bru??net] n. 深褐色头发的女子

4. subsequent [?s?bs?kw?nt] adj. 随后的，后来的

5. salvage [?s?lv?d?] vt. 挽救；挽回

6. vandalize [?v?nd?la?z] vt. 故意破坏

7. repercussion [?ri?p?（r）?k??（?）n] n. [常作～s]后果

8. deface [d??fe?s] vt. 损伤……的外貌；损坏

9. cerebral cortex：大脑皮层

10. reflexively [r??fleks?vli] adv. 条件反射式地，本能反应地

11. cave in：屈服；被迫让步

12. assent [??sent] vi. 同意

13. swivel chair：转椅

14. proficient [pr??f??（?）nt] adj. 熟练的；精通的

15. Pilates [p??lɑ?te?z] n. 普拉提（类似瑜伽的一种健身锻炼）

16. lobby [?l?bi] vt. 游说