感受一位母亲的爱

At 17, I knew one thing for certain: I didnt want to be like my mother. I longed for normal and dependable[可靠的]-and that wasnt her. She didnt cook or clean; her main ambition was to enjoy her friends, her family and her life. When she was afraid to be alone after my father left, I slept on the floor in her room. When she went to doctors appointments, I went with her, acting as her confidante[知己]. My friends thought I was lucky: in my house there were no rules and no chores. My mother loved rock music, shopping, concerts-but she was more like my friend than my vision of what a mother should be. And though I loved that she stood with me outside hotels where my favorite bands were staying and took me to plays and museums, there was a downside[反面] to all that fun: unruly[不受拘束的] dogs sleeping on the couches; pizza boxes in the kitchen; no clean towels; and no food in the fridge. Sometimes I felt angry and resentful[怨恨的]. I wanted a normal “real” mother-and that didnt seem to be what I got with my mother.

At 21, I went off to graduate school in California. I was busy becoming the person I wanted to be—the woman who was nothing like my mother. I was always the student who did extra work and got straight As. But one Saturday as I was at home in my neat apartment, I suddenly realized I was missing something—FUN. I wasnt happy with the“normal”life I created for myself. Sure, I was successful and lived in an orderly[整齐的] way. But all of a sudden, I wished that I lived somewhere that was messy[凌乱的] and interesting again, where my roommates and I didnt spend Sunday afternoons cleaning the bathroom. I actually missed my mother—and all of the adventures we had together.

As I thought even more about the life I made for myself, I realized something else: My new friends were rigid[刚硬的] and not always there for me. They often werent around to see a concert I was dying to go to or help me with a problem. The only person who had always been there for me and been on my side was…my mom. She never told me my skirts were too short, or that I wore too much makeup, or that I was dating the wrong boy. I had wanted my mother to be something completely different than she was—but she had let me be myself. There was no battle that my mom wouldnt fight for me. She supported my dream of becoming a writer when others thought it was foolish. She was a fan of dreams, so she was a fan of my dreams. She may not have cleaned the house or done the laundry[洗衣], she may have forgotten dinner—but she had believed in me.

As my mother battled several strokes[中风] and breast cancer[乳腺癌] a few years ago, she remained my No.1 fan. And just as important, she continued to enjoy life. Even on the day she passed away, she had a date with a friend to go to the movies. She was very brave and courageous. No matter what, she kept having fun. Looking back, its clear to me that all the qualities in my mother that I resented the most were the ones I ended up admiring the most. Unfortunately, it had taken our whole lives for me to fully understand what should have been evident[明显的] from the beginning.

My mother went from the person who I never wanted to talk to again to the one I miss more than anyone else. Now shes gone. Today I wish I had more of my mothers sense of fun and adventure. But I will always be grateful for what she did give me: one person in this world who, no matter what, was always on my side.

17岁时，我便对一件事情非常确定，那就是我不想变得像妈妈那样。我希望自己成为正常可靠的人——而那并不是她的特点。我妈妈不做饭也不打扫房间，她最大的抱负就是享受友谊，享受家庭及她的生活。当爸爸离开后，她害怕独处，我便睡在她房间的地板上。当她预约了见医生，我便和她一起去，就好像是她的知己密友。我的朋友觉得我很幸运——因为在我家里没有家规也不用做家务。妈妈喜爱摇滚音乐、逛街购物和听演唱会，但她更像是我的朋友，而不是我想象中的妈妈。虽然我喜欢她跟我一起站在我最喜爱的乐队入住的酒店外，也喜欢她带我去看戏剧和逛博物馆，但所有这些乐趣都不能弥补其缺点——不受管教的小狗睡在沙发上，厨房里放着比萨饼盒子，没有干净的毛巾，冰箱里没有食物。有时候我会感到生气和怨恨。我想要一个正常的“真”妈妈——而这好像并不是我妈妈所拥有的特质。

21岁时，我去加利福尼亚州读硕士课程。我成了个大忙人，这正是我想要的——一个一点都不像妈妈的女人。我总是很勤奋，做许多额外作业，成绩名列前茅。但某个周末，当我呆在自己整洁的宿舍里，我忽然发觉自己错过了某样东西——乐趣。对于自己所创造的“正常”生活，我并不感到高兴。当然，我很成功，拥有井井有条的生活。但在一刹那间，我希望自己能住进一个杂乱无章的地方，再次感受乐趣，一处我的室友和我不用在每个星期天下午打扫洗手间的地方。事实上，我很想念妈妈——还有我们一起尝试过的所有冒险经历。

当我对自己所创造的生活想得更多时，我便发觉到另外一点——我的新朋友都较独立，不会总在我身旁。他们不常在我身旁陪我看盼望已久的演唱会，或者帮助我解决问题。只有一个人总在我身旁并时刻支持我，那就是……我的妈妈。她从来不会说，我的裙子太短，或我化的妆太浓，或我约会的男孩不适合我。我曾希望妈妈会成为与她本人完全不同的人——但她让我做我自己。妈妈不会放过任何支持我的机会。她支持我实现成为作家的梦想，当时其他人都觉得这个想法很愚蠢。她是梦想的支持者，因此她是我梦想的支持者。她或许没有打扫房子或洗衣服，甚至可能忘记做饭——但她一直信任我。 几年前，尽管我妈妈与中风和乳腺癌抗争了几趟，她仍然是我的头号拥趸。同样重要的是，她继续享受生活。即使在她临终的那天，她还跟一个朋友相约去看电影。她非常坚强，而且胆量过人。无论发生什么事情，她总会寻找乐趣。回想起来，我很清晰地看到在我妈妈身上所有特质中，最令我怨恨的最终都变成了令我最为佩服的。不幸的是，我花了一生的时间才完全明白这件从一开始便显而易见的事情。

我妈妈从一个我再也不想跟她谈话的人变成了我最想念的人。现在她走了。如今，我希望自己能拥有更多妈妈的幽默感与冒险勇气。但我将永远感激她给予我的东西——在这世上，无论发生什么事情，她永远是支持我的人。